Last week I ran into a woman that I don’t know very well at the local lunch place, and in a quick discussion I learned that she was skeptical about how and why parents could get together to talk with one another in a parent discussion group. I can understand that. Sometimes people think these are therapy groups…and they are not. Let me say that again: these are NOT therapy groups.
The best way I can think of sharing what the experience is like, is by sharing an interview I did a while back with a woman who organized a Rollercoaster! discussion group. Karen Donoghue is an involved, caring mother of three boys, and as her eldest was going through his early high school years she was in a group, and functioned as the group coordinator. Her experience was so positive she ran several groups after that. I’m going to share the interview in its entirety so you can hear in her words, not mine, what the group dynamic and experience was like. Enjoy!
Sue Blaney: What made your experience in the parenting discussion group valuable?
Karen Donoghue: Our group experience was supportive, engaging, respectful, challenging, and FUN. It was very interesting because we were, in some ways, a pretty diverse group. Our group was made up of 12 women, which was a rather large group, and it worked just fine. Not all of us parent the same way and each of us has different kinds of relationships with our kids. It really helped us to see that each relationship is different and unique, and our discussions helped us understand these differences.
The greatest value to me was gaining concrete knowledge about what actually changes as teenagers grow. The reading in each chapter provided the research and background information. Then, when we would get together, we’d get into exploring the gray areas. Discussing those gray areas is what brought me the most useful information – I’d pick and choose what I wanted to apply to my family’s dynamics.
SB: Can you give me a specific example about what you learned and how it impacted you?
KD: For instance, there was a discussion in the group about a teenager who was sullen, and not talking to his mom, and this mom was worried. Another group member suggested a strategy that she had had success with, and that was sharing a journal with her teen. The whole group learned from this approach, and several of us tried it with success. It was a great example of how we were able to help each other by sharing a new approach.
Another specific example was on the topic of sleep-overs. I have some firm rules about this, and it was helpful talking it over with others. We don’t always hear about this if we just listen to our kids – but finding that other parents are holding firm on rules, too, was very reassuring.
Our discussions highlighted some of the issues that parents need to be attentive to, and we also helped each other by identifying the resources available to us. When we covered the chapter in the book about supporting your teenager in school, we talked a lot about how parents can gain access there. I was surprised to learn just how uncomfortable this is for some parents. For example, there were several people in our group who really didn’t view the guidance counselors at the high school as a resource for them, and others among us discussed the help we had received from specific counselors. And people didn’t know about the program at the high school that helps kids quit smoking. Between all of us we could share information about resources and how to use them.
SB: How would you describe the group dynamic?
KB: It’s amazing to me to see how many parents lack self-confidence in dealing with their teenagers. We were able to help bolster each other in this area both through what we learned by reading the book and through our discussions. If I were to use one word to describe it, I’d say our group dynamic was “reassuring.” Although people did things differently, we all helped each other. One dynamic that surfaced was that husbands and wives often had very different parenting styles; this presented some big challenges for some of our group members. It helped to be able to talk about it in the group. The group provided an opportunity to vent in a safe place.
SB: How did you handle confidentiality?
KD: Confidentiality was a non-issue. We immediately had respect for one another and our differences. We didn’t sign a confidentially agreement because we never felt the need; it was just presumed in our group.
SB: Did you all know each other before the group started? How did the group get formed?
KD: Most of us did not know each other. We have a community group called CAFY: Community Alliance for Youth. They were sponsoring the program, and had advertised that they were going to offer these discussion groups. Interested parents signed up through CAFY, and I was asked to be a group coordinator. It was a role I felt comfortable in because I’ve been involved in various volunteer positions in the schools and community over the years.
SB: In what ways were the parents in your group alike and different from one another?
KD: Our group was all moms; some worked part time and about half were stay-at-home moms. We all had kids in high school; that was an important common denominator. All of us were married, but that’s about where the similarities ended. Personality-wise we were all over the map. And we all had different dynamics with our teens: some teens were “talkers,” some had teens who didn’t talk to them at all. Some had “envelope- pushers,” some had teens who were straight and narrow. It’s amazing how alike we can be in some ways, and yet be dealing with such different issues. Yet we were able to help each other – it was really rewarding.
SB: Were the kids friends?
KD: Not really. And for some of the moms, this experience happened without a lot of discussion at home. In my case, it opened discussion for me and my boys; we used it as a launching pad for some great talks and insight. I know I have improved my relationship/communication with my teenagers as a result of this experience.
SB: Tell me about the group logistics.
KD: We met every week for eight weeks, and the continuity was great. The best thing we did was that we used the “take-aways.*” We would end each meeting by writing down our “take-aways” from the discussion, and we’d begin there at the next meeting. Inevitably one person would say “I tried this is a result of our last meeting and it really worked!” Everyone found it inspiring to see the changes and to hear about what was working.
SB: What recommendations do you have for other groups?
KD: I’d say others really should use the “take-aways” and begin each meeting with how they applied what they learned. It’s really powerful when we see improvements in our relationships with our teens and when we gain confidence from what we learn together. I’d also say it’s really important for participants to have a commitment to the group. Without that, people are less willing and less comfortable to share, and to develop connections. We found that we still wanted to get together after we had completed the eight sessions. So we do that occasionally, and it’s great. It’s like meeting an old friend; it’s a safe and comfortable place to process the changes and our feelings.
Author’s note: Each of eight chapters in Please Stop the Rollercoaster! is addressed in a discussion group meeting. Participants are asked, at the close of each meeting, to write down their “take-aways” – to identify what points were the most important for them to remember from the discussion and reading. They are then asked to identify what specific things they are going to do differently as a result of what they’ve learned.
