Comments on: Teenagers Lying: Why It Happens and What Parents Can Do

By: Sandy

Sandy — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 02:09:54 +0000

Jeff from Feb 9th, 2011 – Thank you for your post.

It’s 3 days away from Christmas. My 1 year old daughter is with her father because I couldn’t keep an eye on her from sneaking out of house while I have to work. I miss her and wish she was home. I miss her so bad and it’s tearing me apart.

She started lying around the age of 12 and at 13-14ish she seemed to finally give it a rest. It seemed like on her very birthday when she turned 15, she woke up that morning and automatically became the worlds largest compulsive liar and she has not stopped lying since. There isn’t anything she doesn’t lie about, good bad or otherwise. She will find a way to make up lies to lie about those lies.

I tried to loosen the leash so to speak. My gut instinct was to give her some more independence and to let her stretch her wings some. I also let her keep journals and online network sites. Never looked through her things I always felt it was her privacy and it belonged to her. Praise her for her good work and reward her for her performance with school and extra help at home. I also added some responsibility along the way to enable her the opportunity to make a little money to spend out with her friends and to buy herself a couple things. When she was in trouble for something I gave her consequences and explained why she was getting consequences and gave her a chance to earn things back. I always tell her I love her regardless of how bad she can get. I have always been open with dialogue and communication to understand and help her if she asks my advise. I got to know her friends and her friends parents as well.

She started failing her classes back in September, she was a A/B student. I was worried and took action right away. I got in contact with the student counselor and her teachers and with conversations with my daughter, I was working to find out the root cause of her problems with her school work. She seemed to just give up. She told me she needed help with her school work that she needed aids and tutoring and help reorganizing. I listened carefully and watched her progress. She told me “I need more support from home and my teachers.” Later she told me “I need someone to help me be accountable.” The school and I set out to develop a program. We created a team to talk about her needs and what she identified success to look like. I got her an after school aid. Changed her schedule slightly at school and provided her with check in’s at night to help her talk through many questions to ask her teachers. She is now almost passing all of her classes. She said she needed more of me so I provided that to her.

One night after I was so proud of her for increasing her GPA 7-10% in most classes in a short 6 weeks, I hugged her – high five’d her and told her she did awesome. That was the night she snuck out of my house and spent the night at a boyfriends house.

Sneaking out isn’t the half of it. She had been lying to her teachers about her homework missing. She lied to me about her teachers not giving her assignments. She stole her brothers phone and lost it. She lies about who she hangs out with and where she goes. She lies about lying. She makes up stories about her friends and family members. She says awful things about them. She talks to one of her friends on the phone and is so nice to them and then she hangs up with them calls another friend and calls her other friend names. She makes up stories about our family that never happened in front of mixed company.

When I confront her and ask her why she feels the need to lie, she lies to me about why she needs to lie. She will make up a story about why she is lying with known facts of not having any creditability.

I apologize, the past few days have been so hard. I finally gave up and went through her things trying to find answers. I found letters between her and her friends talking about how she is having sex with this boy and sneaking out and spending the night with him. I found letters between her and her friends talking about how she wants to have a baby. I found knives and razors under her bed. I am beside myself.

I have read all of these articles online and I have read so much parenting advise and I have tried it all with no little to no results. I am so lost and beside myself. I am going to take her to counseling next. But I remember being in counseling as a teen and it was a big joke to me. I just went because my mom made me go. Why should she feel any different?

By: Brigitte

Brigitte — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:09:01 +0000

I have been going through all the same issues with my 14 year old daughter. Who has failed classes and near failed. She is a Freshman now. Over the past two to three years my family has been on a roller coaster of emotion and lying. I have found when my daughter lies about important things and things that will eventually get found out, Her mood changes the more she has to hide something the more angry and emotional she gets around her family. She is angry that has to carry this big burden of a lie around. The when the lie is finally revealed and consequences are put in place, she is a lovely girl and pleasant to everyone. Until the next big deception comes along. It is truly unfair to my other children who have to deal with all this turmoil that she places on the family. I don’t trust her I assume she lies to me every time she speaks. I have come to accept her stage, but I am sad for my other children who have to deal with her lies as well.

By: Michele Wilson

Michele Wilson — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 05:12:25 +0000

I am also the parent of a homework avoiding teenager. Ironically, I am a teacher of homework avoiding students. As a parent, we did get “over involved” in having our daughter get her homework done. All that really accomplished was strained relationships. I recently REread Barbara Coloroso’s book “Kids Are Worth It”. Although I had already realized I had to give her room to make her own decisions, and live with whatever comes from them, rereading the book confirmed it for me. As parents we need to be supportive but the responsibility for getting homework done is the child’s. What is the worst that will happen if they don’t???? They have to redo the work or the class or a year. I have a homework avoiding sister who after high school decided she wanted more and is now a speech pathologist and a homework avoiding husband who later decided to also become a teacher and has won awards. We don’t all mature at the same rate or learn good work ethic at the same age, but I am confident that I am teaching the right values to my children through my actions. Eventually, my daughter will have to live with a natural consequence that hurts enough to change her behavior and I will be there to be supportive of the changes she makes. Until then, I will gently remind, offer help if needed and then back off. After all, it’s not MY work and I don’t need to make it my issue.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 03:01:26 +0000

Hi everyone. I’m going through a similar thing with my daughter who feels the urge to lie and about really stupid things too. To her credit tho she does get to a stage where she feels bad about lying and does confess. I’ve gotten to a point where I have become numb and don’t take it as personally as I did in the beginning. She has a great family home environment, she is treated with respect and her opinion is sought when its something that affects the whole family, she does have a certain degree of freedom but with rules (rules are everywhere so I do not think this is unfair). She works, is a great student and does do a bit of community work too – so basically a dream child. But she does have this need to lie. Everyone that knows her tells me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful child, she’s bright, attractive, intelligent – a basic all rounder. However I do not share with anyone her little bad point and that’s the lying. She says that she doesnt deserve me and I’ve told her that she deserves all good things. What I’ve come to realise is that she is a child, notwithstanding all her gifts, talents and abilities. She will test the boundaries and she will rebel in her own way. I’m grateful that she hasnt done drugs or somthing that would put her life at risk. She lies. She’s not perfect and do I love her any less – no. I am disappointed but I need to deal with that – not her. There are consequences to her actions and she does get disciplined by way of no outings or no technology etc and she takes that on board beautifully. I just hope that we will get past this stage of her life (she’s 15 and has been doing the lying on and off since she was 13). I wont stop loving her nor will I stop disciplining her when she does do something wrong – because at the end of the day I want her to know that I care enough to react. I did hug her this morning (after a lying incident last night) and said to her that i love her and that we’ll get thru this together. She cried and hugged me back. At the end of the day, they are just children and there’s a lot to take on for them – more than we had at their ages – so we need to just learn not to take it personally and to be there for them.

By: jeff

jeff — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:28:53 +0000

i’m a 17 year old boy who is going through all of these things and from my perspective, the more you restrict your child, the more they will rebel and want to go against you. if they cant tell you the truth without you blowing it way out of proportion and punishing them they will never tell you the truth at all. let your child know they can talk to you, give them freedom but still give them your presence and authority, just dont over do it.

By: Mia Jones

Mia Jones — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 03:03:51 +0000

To add, I feel sorry for those who are going down this path. There is no help…. I have called every mental help facility, counslers, hospitals, specialty schools, and when the money runs out, or your child is just to much for these so called professionals to handle him, they kick them out and keep your money or whats left of it. I will never give up on my child, but I don’t feel quilty about wanting to take the locks of the door, hide my keys and my purse and guard his room at night, just incase he might decide today he wants to murder me in my sleep,. As you can see i am frustrated as Hell!@!!

By: Mia Jones

Mia Jones — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:58:46 +0000

what is this a fantasy world. Really, my son has stole since the age of three and I am not talking about candy. We have seen doctors, prescribed medicines, had cat scan taken. He has had physch evaluations. He has tried to stab me with a knife. He lies with no guilt. AND We have tried to help him, I have spent most of my life saving trying to help him. when do i get to breath. There is no reasoning with this child. He will tell you in a quick minute that he doesn’t give a fuck. Example, he went to court on Thursday, they let him of with a misdemeanor. And on Friday he was caught shop lifting from Wal-mart. Add to insult that night he asked if he could go spend the night at a friend house. And was fumming mad that we said no. Why, what did I do? Are you serious. But theres more the next day he steals the sim card out of my brand new phone, for what i do not know he has no phone. No I will not give my child any slack. I have been dealing with this for 10 years. I have no respect for someone who does not care. But that does not mean I don’t love my son with all my heart. But what do you do when you tried everything you have and NO ONE will help YOu. Believe me Unless you are a millionaire. You are …. Literally. Who ever wrote this article should let my child live with them for a year. And then they’ll see.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:31:41 +0000

David,

My husband and I are currently going through the SAME situation with my 14yr old daughter.

The lies she is telling seems almost identical. My daughter is a freshman in HS and is currently an honor student. However, my daughter IS cutting! We were in therapy and the therapist was not a match for my daughter and we switched.

We feel like we are banging our head against the wall. She tells lies about myself, my husband (her stepfather) and her bio dad (that she has no contact with), family members have died, her friends parent s abuse them. She lies about drugs, alcohol and sex.

Its pretty intense. We have considered homeschooling her since we recognized that school seems to be a huge trigger for her. The socialization part. She has no privelages currently because she needs to earn them back via trust. When she does, it takes a few days and she is off and lying again. She is currently telling everyone she is not lying (including therapist) but I am finding notes quite the contrary!

We are at a loss as well and just don’t know what to do.
The one recommendation I can make is take her for full medical and psychological work up and document the hell out of everything. We have also asked our daughter to periodically write a statement regarding the things she lies about and acknowledging the fact that they are lies and understands the impact they might have. She signs and dates it. We keep a copy, and all of her health care providers receive one. We also have notified the guidance counselor at the school and discussed the issues frankly with her so that the school is aware as well. Be open and honest with everyone!!! Exposing your daughter is unfortunate but protects everyone until she is healthy again.

I am also considering contacting all of her friends and notifying their parents and possibly homeschooling.

I am struggling to find others in my area with this problem. My hope is to find a support group for her and us! No luck so far.