Teenagers Lying: Why It Happens and What Parents Can Do
May 8th, 2007 by Sue Blaney
Any parent who has caught their child in a lie knows that sinking, sick feeling you get in your stomach. Your relationship is based on trust, and the wound feels very deep when that trust is breached. Lying isn’t always what it seems, though. It may not mean your teenager is embarking on a lifetime of deceit and dishonesty. Let’s take a look at the common causes for this behavior.
There are three fundamental reasons why otherwise respectable teenagers may lie to their parents.
This article has been updated and re-posted at our new site, www.ParentingTeensInfo.com.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 at 3:02 am and is filed under Parenting Teens, Tips and Tools. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Subscribe to Newsletter
Subscribe in a blog reader
May 8th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Oh my God, your statements hit the nail on the head. My 15 year old has gone crazy. Nasty, lies at times, tells me to leave him alone and shut up, disrespectful, angry and then can turn around and be a baby. I hope I live thru this one…I can’t give up.
May 15th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
My teenager lies about doing his homework. When he does his homework, he usually receives good grade for those. Then for some reason, he wont do assignments and receive zeros causing him to get D’s and F’s. I started checking his grades every week and talking with his teachers almost every week. He knows I do this and that he doesn’t get away with it cause i always make him do the assignment anyway. I have consistently done this all year and yet today, he is still lying about doing his homework. WHY? and HOW CAN I STOP IT???
May 17th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I just had to respond after seeing Machelle’s post. We are living the same life! We have figured out that we cannot believe our son at all when he says he does his homework. He now has to get his agenda initialed everyday/weekly progress report etc. Also, we email his teachers so he doesn’t get away with it, but he still does it! He has no motivation and doesn’t seem to care!! Dealing with our almost 14 year old is becoming a very difficult job!
May 19th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I think sometimes kids lying increases when parents are too involved. And I struggle daily to not be too involved! My teens also do not tell the truth about homework because they do not want to deal with my reaction. I have found it works better in my house to just deal with the results of their missed or late homework. When they have a missed or late assignment or a poor grade (when I know they could have done better) the consequences are no TV or IM for the week or sometimes not going out with friends on the weekend. This takes me out of the loop somewhat as they know the consequences beforehand.
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:41 am
Machelle and Karen, my husband and I feel your pain. It is like you are describing our 14 year old daughter. Have you gotten any advice you have found to be helpful?
May 28th, 2007 at 2:22 am
This is a very interesting article. I hope that there is a follow-up article describing how to stop this behavior. My daughter is also lying about homework and we have set up the same monitoring system!!! Guess what…she is 13!! At least I feel better that we are not the only ones!
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:20 am
Where is the answer to the lying about homework? My almost 13 year old daughter is just the same! HELP US!
January 18th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Hopefully someone will read this response since I didn’t see any new postings since May. I too have the same issues with my now 13yr old son and unfortunately, his 17 yr old sister has lied about many things and in trouble with the law. Their father (ex to me) has similar traits…hence ex. However, my children I know are exploring their boundaries, however, their father says to not be upset by it. He says he doesn’t agree but that is what they do. I took away my sons electronics for sneaking alcohol at my house with his friends and his father thought I was being harsh and allowed him to use electronics at his house. Then today, one week back at his father’s house, his father lets him go skiing and take a school day off, when I called my son..I could hear the in the background that he wasn’t at his dad’s house. He lied and said he was talking to his dad on his dad’s deck and he didn’t feel well so he didn’t go to school. I called his dad and his dad said that it wasn’t right that he lied, however, he knew that I would be upset. His father doesn’t respect what I am doing with my kids and I think this is a scary behavior that I am extremely concerned about. I understand kids finding their independence…but what do you do when they start lying for others,,such as parents too. God, I have gone through a nightmare already with my daughter…and the patterns are coming up with my son. I am so bummed. Does anyone have suggestions? I have been fighting similar issues with my ex for 4years and the trust for my son is now has been jeopardized. I am tired of negotiating…what happened to discipline. My mother or father would never stand for this stuff….and frankly I didn’t try a lot of anything for fear of them. I am afraid that all this negotiation is breaking down our morals and ethics for the future generation. I understand trying boundaries…but this was a blatant lie …2nd lie in a week. I am losing my faith from previous events in this family. The ex won’t go to counseling because he doesn’t think there is a problem. My heart broke a bit today when my son told me this today, especially when he knew how sensitive I am to lies in this family. I won’t see him till Monday and I am at a loss today as to what to say to him. I am hurt and don’t understand the deceit. I am a believer in taking responsibility for your actions and he knows it. He is afraid of me taking his father to court, however, doesn’t this behavior make it worse by protecting his father’s decision to let him do something that he knew I would be upset over and risking his own integrity. (My son is just as much at fault by knowing this was not going to be acceptable, but his father will cover for him too and see no problem in it.) My son and I have worked together very hard over the last two months to get his grades up and do well. Then the one week his father has him….he lets him play. My biggest issue with him doing these kind of things is that now my son will be behind a day that he can’t afford to lose after working so hard. Rewards shouldn’t compromise school and other responsibilities…in my opinion. sorry for carrying on ….I am so frustrated and at a loss in my logic and my heart. Had to get it out.
October 16th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I ask for the same answer, to the lying about the homework situation. We have taken things away from him and grounded him and have done the same things as mentioned in other peoples responses to no avail. He says we are being unfair and making his life miserable. Has there been an article published yet concerning this issue? Or has anyone found anything that has worked? Please share anything you can. Obviously there are alot of parents dealing with their children lying to them about the homework issue.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
How about a child who is from a very loving home where the parents are both there for the 17 yr old girl who lies just to lie. Told someone her dad has hit her and she is afraid of him- not true. Told someone that her parents kicked her out of the house- I can’t remember the last time she was restricted,she has not gotten into any trouble. Told her boyfriend, now ex, that she had tried to take her life and had to spend the night at a mental health facility. Also told him during their relationship that she neve ate. SHe has admitted to liking to lie
January 7th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Kerry – this sounds like a problem that falls outside of the bounds of typical scenarios and her lying sounds like a rather important problem to address. If she landed in a mental health facility as a result of her lying…and that wasn’t enough to make her stop, it sounds like some professional help would be warranted. I recommend you find a local professional and address this directly. The business about telling someone her parent has hit her could cause serious repercussions and you want to address this before something like this spins out of control. Good luck…let us know about your progress if you are comfortable sharing it.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Like Kerry, we have a 17 yr old son who lies constantly. I dont beleive a word he says anymore which breaks my hart. He lies to get out of trouble, to make himself look better, to get someone in trouble, the list is long. He won’t admit to doing it, even if caught red handed, and never says sorry. He can be the nicest kid in the world but seconds later he’s an angry, lying, nasty man that can’t be reasoned with. He dosnt see that he’s doing. anything wrong.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:22 am
I have 13yr old that is driving me crazy. She lies every time she gets caught doing something and she is very sneaky. Im a hard working single mother and she has boys in my home when i am at work and she is smoking weed. I just know i need help before things get way more out of hand.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Jess…my heart goes out to you, this sounds hard. You are right – you do need to get help because it sounds like it already is getting out of hand. My suggestion is today – immediately – you make some calls to find local mental health professionals and find one who can help you address this problem. If there is a Health and Human Services office in your town that is a good place to begin, if you have trouble knowing where to start then call the school guidance counselor or school psychologist to get some input and a referral. If you are worried about mentioning the drug use to a school person, then don’t mention it…just tell them you are having some problems with your daughter and you are looking for local referrals. They refer people all the time and love working with pro-active parents.
Good luck. Don’t wait to take action here.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Help. Daughter created a Facebook page at a friend’s house which she knows is against the rules. She has a My Space page already – which I have access to and was one of the rules of having it. I found the Facebook page by chance. What consequences do you do? I took the pages away, can take her phone and IPod away, but have done that before and doesn’t seem to phase the girl. She is a good student and good kid, and I would have let her have the Facebook page if I had her password, etc. to monitor it. What’s up with her? Now I am thinking of taking her Spring Break trip away, but will that push her more into rebellion? I am at a loss here.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Ouch…this is a tough one. Applying consequences is hard on parents – I feel your pain, but I can’t tell you what consequence you should choose. I’m sorry…this will be your personal decision. But let me say that if you were clear in your directions and expectations, and it sounds as though you were, then it sounds like your daughter made her choice and you can be guilt-free in making her live with the consequence. It sounds like you have been fair and reasonable – although it might be a good idea to ask your daughter her opinion on that in case you are missing something. (I would want to know what is driving her to need a profile that is under your radar screen.) Let her know this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Ask her what consequence she might feel is appropriate…sometimes kids are tougher than their parents are. Listen to her, then go with your gut. That is the best you can do.
Good luck Kristen.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I have 16yr old daughter that has a real problem with lying. She was involved in a car accident back in May which caused her to lose 3 of her front teeth. She told her dad and I that she was staying the night with a friend but ended up being with her then boyfriend and one of his friends. They had gone to a couple parties where the boyfriend had some shots of tequilla and his friend was just drunk. Megan had nothing to drink and was the only one wearing a seatbelt when her boyfriend hit a rock wall and then some trees. After the accident, she said she would never lie again. Well, she has been in West TN with my parents for a week and then to church camp for a week. She told us she was going to stay with a friend July 4 weekend and then they would go to camp together that Sunday. Well, she stayed the night with a friend, but it was one that lived 45min away,she is 19yrs old and lives alone, who is pregnant by a 17yr old, and there were other boys there also. I have no idea why she continues to do this and all she keeps telling me is, “I know you wouldn’t let me”, but yet she will not even ask so we can discuss it. I am so upset, disappointed and angry right now I do not know what to do.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:26 am
This is a great article because it needs to be recognized the different ways that teens lie, why they do it, and what can be done to help prevent it. I am a teen intern for a blog (radicalparenting.com) that focuses on parenting from the teen’s point of view. We have an article just like this that has very good points, feel free to look at it.
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2009/04/02/lying-teens-5-types-of-kids-fibs-white-lies-and-exaggerations/
Thanks!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I have twin boys 15. One of them is lying, we don’t know for sure which one it is, but we have a pretty good idea. The problem is we already have him in therapy for helping his anger issues and the lying, becuase of the great stress it causes in the house. How do we know that he’s not lying to his therapist? How do we punish for the lying when it just seems to make things worse?
Thanks,
tammy
August 8th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
God I hope somebody who has been here has been in a similar situation and can help. Our 15 year-old daughter (my stepdaughter) is out of control. She lies about absolutely everything, and it’s getting to the point that I am literally afraid for the future of our family. My wife’s ex is also remarried and all 4 of get along very well. We only live about 5 miles away from each other, and she’s free to spend time at whatever house she wants (we don’t believe in the ‘it’s my week or it’s dad’s week philosophy). I’d say her time is split about 60/40 between our house and her dad’s.
It all started with high school. Her grades started slipping, she failed two classes. We did the whole school follow up thing. She began lying about homework, tests, etc…The four of us sat with her and calmly explained we love her and that school comes first. We restricted her cell phone use, internet use, and told her she needed to concentrate on classwork the next semester. As soon as the grades come up, the restrictions would be relaxed. Long story short, she’s infatuated with this boy and began sneaking around with him…not coming home after school, etc. (wife and I aren’t home until after 5).
We stumbled upon some very disturbing e-mails between her and her ‘friends’. All lies about the four of us as parents. We chalked it up to her trying to save face with her friends about why her free time had been restricted.
The four of us spoke again. She was told no unsupervised visits with the boy. Grades continued to slip, even though we were working with her nightly. She managed to fail art, for god’s sake, due to lack of participation. Her cell phone was taken away. No visits to her boyfriend’s house during the week. It got worse. She ran up a $300 phone bill on the house phone while we were at work. She failed her freshmen year and had to take summer school. We made her call and check in after school, and we called and checked in on her daily.
Her dad and step mom live in the country. We’ve now found that she has at least once ridden the bus in for summer school, cut classes and gone god-knows-where (presumably to the boys house).
The lies are getting worse. I just intercepted some more emails where she’s telling this boy that we are trying to keep them apart, that her mother and I hit her (has never happened, we’ve hardly ever raised our voices to her), that we make her go hungry (she eats better than I do), that her step-mother makes her pay for her own food (untrue), that she’s becoming bulimic and has also begun ‘cutting’ herself (absolutely untrue). The lies are getting bigger as time goes on.
This is all obviously being done as a play for sympathy and attention from this boy…to keep him on the hook and interested. “You’re the only one I can talk to…you have to help me….I love you and want to be with you…etc.)”, and she’s obviously getting his attention.
We are all literally so afraid that the lies are going to get so out of control that eventually she will tell him some lie that he takes to his parents, or she will say something to another friend or someone else in an effort to get attention that can’t be taken back and then either her stepmother, I, (or all of us) will end up investigated (or worse) by the authorities. My heart is breaking…..
We’ve already got her in counseling. We’ve shown the counselor some of these e-mails and expressed our concerns. We have had multiple conversations with her about her lying and the danger of it, and how it hurts and disappoints us and how it’s becoming more difficult for us to trust her. Every time it’s the same thing…she’s sorry, she bawls, she’ll work harder to regain our trust, she hates feeling this way….it’s always the same story.
She simply will not stop. The child wants for nothing. She has two loving families that want nothing but the best for her. She went to a christian grade school. We routinely go to church. She’s got 6 grandparents living nearby that she loves dearly and are always around. She’s got a loving brother and sister.
I don’t get it. I’m literally becoming afraid to talk to her or discipline her in her mother’s absence out of fear for what lies she’ll make up next about me (or us) to her friends.
To the best of our knowledge, she’s not involved in drugs, alcohol, or sexually active. My honest impression is that she is literally teetering on the precipice of throwing her life away.
We can’t start over and pretend nothing has happened because she’s out of control. We can’t keep punishing and taking things away..that will just make it worse and give more credence to the crap she’s spewing to her ‘friends’.
I don’t know if the answer is a different counselor, a meeting with the boy and his parents with her in attendance where we confront her on the lies and find out what she’s been telling them, whether it’s boarding school, or what.
I am convinced she lies for the thrill, for the attention the stories get her, and out of defiance. Sooner or later she will say something that can’t be taken back. I just hope when it happens it doesn’t tear the families apart.
Anybody that’s experienced anything close to this….help us please.
Dave
August 14th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Dave, that is a heart-breaking note, and I’m sorry nobody else has replied to you yet. I waited a few days to see if somebody might show up for you with some comments … I’m back from vacation now and will weigh in. I can’t tell you what is in her mind or what is driving your daughter to behave so badly. But we all know that she isn’t the first teen to be defiant against all logic – sometimes teenagers behave in really strange ways. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but you are still scared that she might step things up yet another level and get in serious harm. If you don’t think your counselor is being proactive enough then that certainly is a change you can make. A counselor can be wrong, so go with your gut if you have second thoughts on the effectiveness of that relationship. Your daughter sounds like professional help would be appropriate.
I do want to validate your pain…. there are periods of time in many families that are just plain painful to get through. During times like this you are wise to reach out to other parents as you have in this note; you need to know you are not alone and that others understand your predicament. I encourage you to make such connections locally and in person too; reach out so that you have people to process this with. You won’t have to go far to find parents who have endured very similar situations.
One thing you might benefit from is reading PARENTING TEENAGERS: the Agony and the Ecstasy as it is full of quotes from other parents. You will hear similar fear in some of their voices and perhaps you’ll get some insight from your peers, “veteran” parents or young adults who are also surveyed. Hang in there and I hope things work out soon…
August 18th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
What about when the parents or other family members of your kids friends let them do something they know is wrong such as letting your child ride in the car with her friend who has her learner’s permit only. in California this is illegal. Just because there was an adult in the car does not mean it was okay. I am calling the dad today but wanted to find out how people handle those relationships with parents of friends.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
David,
My husband and I are currently going through the SAME situation with my 14yr old daughter.
The lies she is telling seems almost identical. My daughter is a freshman in HS and is currently an honor student. However, my daughter IS cutting! We were in therapy and the therapist was not a match for my daughter and we switched.
We feel like we are banging our head against the wall. She tells lies about myself, my husband (her stepfather) and her bio dad (that she has no contact with), family members have died, her friends parent s abuse them. She lies about drugs, alcohol and sex.
Its pretty intense. We have considered homeschooling her since we recognized that school seems to be a huge trigger for her. The socialization part. She has no privelages currently because she needs to earn them back via trust. When she does, it takes a few days and she is off and lying again. She is currently telling everyone she is not lying (including therapist) but I am finding notes quite the contrary!
We are at a loss as well and just don’t know what to do.
The one recommendation I can make is take her for full medical and psychological work up and document the hell out of everything. We have also asked our daughter to periodically write a statement regarding the things she lies about and acknowledging the fact that they are lies and understands the impact they might have. She signs and dates it. We keep a copy, and all of her health care providers receive one. We also have notified the guidance counselor at the school and discussed the issues frankly with her so that the school is aware as well. Be open and honest with everyone!!! Exposing your daughter is unfortunate but protects everyone until she is healthy again.
I am also considering contacting all of her friends and notifying their parents and possibly homeschooling.
I am struggling to find others in my area with this problem. My hope is to find a support group for her and us! No luck so far.
December 21st, 2009 at 2:58 am
what is this a fantasy world. Really, my son has stole since the age of three and I am not talking about candy. We have seen doctors, prescribed medicines, had cat scan taken. He has had physch evaluations. He has tried to stab me with a knife. He lies with no guilt. AND We have tried to help him, I have spent most of my life saving trying to help him. when do i get to breath. There is no reasoning with this child. He will tell you in a quick minute that he doesn’t give a fuck. Example, he went to court on Thursday, they let him of with a misdemeanor. And on Friday he was caught shop lifting from Wal-mart. Add to insult that night he asked if he could go spend the night at a friend house. And was fumming mad that we said no. Why, what did I do? Are you serious. But theres more the next day he steals the sim card out of my brand new phone, for what i do not know he has no phone. No I will not give my child any slack. I have been dealing with this for 10 years. I have no respect for someone who does not care. But that does not mean I don’t love my son with all my heart. But what do you do when you tried everything you have and NO ONE will help YOu. Believe me Unless you are a millionaire. You are …. Literally. Who ever wrote this article should let my child live with them for a year. And then they’ll see.
December 21st, 2009 at 3:03 am
To add, I feel sorry for those who are going down this path. There is no help…. I have called every mental help facility, counslers, hospitals, specialty schools, and when the money runs out, or your child is just to much for these so called professionals to handle him, they kick them out and keep your money or whats left of it. I will never give up on my child, but I don’t feel quilty about wanting to take the locks of the door, hide my keys and my purse and guard his room at night, just incase he might decide today he wants to murder me in my sleep,. As you can see i am frustrated as Hell!@!!
February 9th, 2010 at 5:28 am
i’m a 17 year old boy who is going through all of these things and from my perspective, the more you restrict your child, the more they will rebel and want to go against you. if they cant tell you the truth without you blowing it way out of proportion and punishing them they will never tell you the truth at all. let your child know they can talk to you, give them freedom but still give them your presence and authority, just dont over do it.
July 26th, 2010 at 3:01 am
Hi everyone. I’m going through a similar thing with my daughter who feels the urge to lie and about really stupid things too. To her credit tho she does get to a stage where she feels bad about lying and does confess. I’ve gotten to a point where I have become numb and don’t take it as personally as I did in the beginning. She has a great family home environment, she is treated with respect and her opinion is sought when its something that affects the whole family, she does have a certain degree of freedom but with rules (rules are everywhere so I do not think this is unfair). She works, is a great student and does do a bit of community work too – so basically a dream child. But she does have this need to lie. Everyone that knows her tells me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful child, she’s bright, attractive, intelligent – a basic all rounder. However I do not share with anyone her little bad point and that’s the lying. She says that she doesnt deserve me and I’ve told her that she deserves all good things. What I’ve come to realise is that she is a child, notwithstanding all her gifts, talents and abilities. She will test the boundaries and she will rebel in her own way. I’m grateful that she hasnt done drugs or somthing that would put her life at risk. She lies. She’s not perfect and do I love her any less – no. I am disappointed but I need to deal with that – not her. There are consequences to her actions and she does get disciplined by way of no outings or no technology etc and she takes that on board beautifully. I just hope that we will get past this stage of her life (she’s 15 and has been doing the lying on and off since she was 13). I wont stop loving her nor will I stop disciplining her when she does do something wrong – because at the end of the day I want her to know that I care enough to react. I did hug her this morning (after a lying incident last night) and said to her that i love her and that we’ll get thru this together. She cried and hugged me back. At the end of the day, they are just children and there’s a lot to take on for them – more than we had at their ages – so we need to just learn not to take it personally and to be there for them.
August 31st, 2010 at 5:12 am
I am also the parent of a homework avoiding teenager. Ironically, I am a teacher of homework avoiding students. As a parent, we did get “over involved” in having our daughter get her homework done. All that really accomplished was strained relationships. I recently REread Barbara Coloroso’s book “Kids Are Worth It”. Although I had already realized I had to give her room to make her own decisions, and live with whatever comes from them, rereading the book confirmed it for me. As parents we need to be supportive but the responsibility for getting homework done is the child’s. What is the worst that will happen if they don’t???? They have to redo the work or the class or a year. I have a homework avoiding sister who after high school decided she wanted more and is now a speech pathologist and a homework avoiding husband who later decided to also become a teacher and has won awards. We don’t all mature at the same rate or learn good work ethic at the same age, but I am confident that I am teaching the right values to my children through my actions. Eventually, my daughter will have to live with a natural consequence that hurts enough to change her behavior and I will be there to be supportive of the changes she makes. Until then, I will gently remind, offer help if needed and then back off. After all, it’s not MY work and I don’t need to make it my issue.
August 31st, 2010 at 5:09 pm
I have been going through all the same issues with my 14 year old daughter. Who has failed classes and near failed. She is a Freshman now. Over the past two to three years my family has been on a roller coaster of emotion and lying. I have found when my daughter lies about important things and things that will eventually get found out, Her mood changes the more she has to hide something the more angry and emotional she gets around her family. She is angry that has to carry this big burden of a lie around. The when the lie is finally revealed and consequences are put in place, she is a lovely girl and pleasant to everyone. Until the next big deception comes along. It is truly unfair to my other children who have to deal with all this turmoil that she places on the family. I don’t trust her I assume she lies to me every time she speaks. I have come to accept her stage, but I am sad for my other children who have to deal with her lies as well.
December 23rd, 2010 at 2:09 am
Jeff from Feb 9th, 2011 – Thank you for your post.
It’s 3 days away from Christmas. My 1 year old daughter is with her father because I couldn’t keep an eye on her from sneaking out of house while I have to work. I miss her and wish she was home. I miss her so bad and it’s tearing me apart.
She started lying around the age of 12 and at 13-14ish she seemed to finally give it a rest. It seemed like on her very birthday when she turned 15, she woke up that morning and automatically became the worlds largest compulsive liar and she has not stopped lying since. There isn’t anything she doesn’t lie about, good bad or otherwise. She will find a way to make up lies to lie about those lies.
I tried to loosen the leash so to speak. My gut instinct was to give her some more independence and to let her stretch her wings some. I also let her keep journals and online network sites. Never looked through her things I always felt it was her privacy and it belonged to her. Praise her for her good work and reward her for her performance with school and extra help at home. I also added some responsibility along the way to enable her the opportunity to make a little money to spend out with her friends and to buy herself a couple things. When she was in trouble for something I gave her consequences and explained why she was getting consequences and gave her a chance to earn things back. I always tell her I love her regardless of how bad she can get. I have always been open with dialogue and communication to understand and help her if she asks my advise. I got to know her friends and her friends parents as well.
She started failing her classes back in September, she was a A/B student. I was worried and took action right away. I got in contact with the student counselor and her teachers and with conversations with my daughter, I was working to find out the root cause of her problems with her school work. She seemed to just give up. She told me she needed help with her school work that she needed aids and tutoring and help reorganizing. I listened carefully and watched her progress. She told me “I need more support from home and my teachers.” Later she told me “I need someone to help me be accountable.” The school and I set out to develop a program. We created a team to talk about her needs and what she identified success to look like. I got her an after school aid. Changed her schedule slightly at school and provided her with check in’s at night to help her talk through many questions to ask her teachers. She is now almost passing all of her classes. She said she needed more of me so I provided that to her.
One night after I was so proud of her for increasing her GPA 7-10% in most classes in a short 6 weeks, I hugged her – high five’d her and told her she did awesome. That was the night she snuck out of my house and spent the night at a boyfriends house.
Sneaking out isn’t the half of it. She had been lying to her teachers about her homework missing. She lied to me about her teachers not giving her assignments. She stole her brothers phone and lost it. She lies about who she hangs out with and where she goes. She lies about lying. She makes up stories about her friends and family members. She says awful things about them. She talks to one of her friends on the phone and is so nice to them and then she hangs up with them calls another friend and calls her other friend names. She makes up stories about our family that never happened in front of mixed company.
When I confront her and ask her why she feels the need to lie, she lies to me about why she needs to lie. She will make up a story about why she is lying with known facts of not having any creditability.
I apologize, the past few days have been so hard. I finally gave up and went through her things trying to find answers. I found letters between her and her friends talking about how she is having sex with this boy and sneaking out and spending the night with him. I found letters between her and her friends talking about how she wants to have a baby. I found knives and razors under her bed. I am beside myself.
I have read all of these articles online and I have read so much parenting advise and I have tried it all with no little to no results. I am so lost and beside myself. I am going to take her to counseling next. But I remember being in counseling as a teen and it was a big joke to me. I just went because my mom made me go. Why should she feel any different?