Teenagers Lying: Why It Happens and What Parents Can Do
May 8th, 2007 by Sue Blaney
Any parent who has caught their child in a lie knows that sinking, sick feeling you get in your stomach. Your relationship is based on trust, and the wound feels very deep when that trust is breached. Lying isn’t always what it seems, though. It may not mean your teenager is embarking on a lifetime of deceit and dishonesty. Let’s take a look at the common causes for this behavior.
There are three fundamental reasons why otherwise respectable teenagers may lie to their parents. One is a developmental issue, one is a communication issue and thirdly, it’s a test. Let me explain through some scenarios.
Scenario One: Adam is a sophomore, and his best friend, Charles, is 8 months older and already has his drivers license. Charles has a junior operators license making it illegal for him to drive with friends in the car for his first six months, but he often does it anyway. Adam’s parents have forbidden him to drive with Charles – a rule which feels very restrictive to him. Last Friday after school, a group of boys were heading out with Charles to attend a tournament soccer game in a nearby town, and Adam couldn’t stand it anymore. After telling his mom that he would be spending the afternoon at school working on a group project for his English class, he hopped into Charles’ car with the rest of the boys and spent the afternoon at the game. When, in front of his mom, his next door neighbor mentioned having seen him at the game, it didn’t take his mom long to start asking pointed questions. He was caught red-handed in his lie.
Developmental reasons: As teenagers grow, they face a developmental imperative; they must separate from their parents and learn to function, thrive and compete in the world of their peers. This means they must transition from a family-centric view of their world to a peer-centric view. When parents view it this way, it is easier to see a teenager’s process of separation and understand the adolescent drive to become independent, masters of their own lives. There are times when the world of teens’ peers becomes more compelling than the “pull” from parents. A teenager is likely to periodically face scenarios where s/he finds it more compelling to give credence to personal choice and his peer group than to listen to (or obey) a parent’s instruction. “Who is actually in control in my life, my parents, or me?” teens may ask. From the teenager’s perspective, there are times when making his own choice isn’t lying as much as it’s a matter of responding to a greater priority… his own voice. At some point, and in some situations, a teenager may actually feel compelled to go against parents’ orders simply to establish independence; a sense of “I am separate from you; I can make my own decisions.” In this context, you can see that lying can be viewed as a developmental issue, not a moral one.
Adam did not consider his action a lie as much as a personal choice. He had considered his options, and he chose to accept the risk of driving with a new driver and disobeying his parents’ rule. He had chosen to make his own decision on the matter despite his parents’ rules.
Scenario Two: Sara’s parents had a rule that she was not permitted to go to kids’ homes without an adult present. She was a senior in high school and, as she was a pretty straight-laced kid, she found most of her parents’ rules didn’t interfere with her activities. But one Saturday night her group of friends was planning to go to Marc’s home, and she knew that his parents were away. She went too, and everything worked out fine – there wasn’t any alcohol, and the kids were hanging out safely …no big deal. But a few days later Sara’s mom was speaking to another parent and discovered that Sara had not been where she had told her mother she was on Saturday night. Sara was caught in her deception. Why had she lied?
Communication problems: Lying can be a result of a communication problem. This occurs when a teenager expects that her point of view will not be respected or heard. While sometimes kids don’t ask because they don’t want to hear your answer, it could also reflect the quality of parent-teen communication. When a parent denies the recognition of a teenager’s growing independence and good judgment, you may be hurting your relationship.
In this case, Sara felt that her parents wouldn’t listen to her and would deny her permission to go to this friend’s home. Sara had developed this opinion because her parents had previously been unwilling to consider her point of view.
Honest conversations between parents and teenagers aren’t always easy, and will sometimes cover ground that can make parents uncomfortable. It sounds great to have real open and honest communication with your teenager, but this can actually create some sticky issues at times. What if your teenager wants to tell you that he drinks at parties? Could you handle it if your daughter told you she wants to go on birth control? How much honesty can you tolerate? Honesty is essential if you want to truly be a reliable resource for your teen. But understand this can be tricky, too. And if you can’t really tolerate honesty you may force your teen into a lie – unless of course your teen doesn’t have anything to lie about. Many parents find the issues they confront with older teens get pretty difficult to manage as the best solutions aren’t always clear. At any rate, your teen’s degree of honesty may reflect on your ability to communicate openly with your teen.
Scenario Three: Jacki was expected to come home straight from her middle school each day because her mom was still at work. She complied week after week, but was beginning to resent it. One day she allowed herself to accept an invitation to go to a boy’s home who lived near the school. “My mom will never find out,” she thought. But when she got home, she found that her mother had left work early, and was frantic with worry because she didn’t know where Jacki was.
Testing boundaries: Teenagers sometimes need to test the boundaries that support them. They are often chafing to expand their independence and the areas of their life in which they are free to explore. Testing the boundaries allows them to test you and the quality of your relationship. Teenagers may be asking: “Are you watching? Am I important enough to you for you to be aware of what I do? How far can I push that? Am I clever enough to get away with this? What are the consequences if I break this rule? Will you really enforce it?” Kids want to learn about you, about your relationship with them, and they sometimes feel safer when they know where the boundaries of their freedom lie.
What’s a parent to do? As these cases demonstrate, teenagers may not be conscious of it, but there can be underlying reasons that drive their disobedience. So, while it is upsetting when you learn that you may not truly be able to trust your teenager, this background knowledge should help you understand what’s really going on.
Here are some tips for parents to minimize lying from teenagers:
o Treat teens with respect. Listen to their point of view.
o Be willing to be flexible when appropriate.
o Negotiate.
o Safety should never be compromised. Know where you put your stake in the ground; be firm and consistent.
o Apply logical consequences.
o Confirm your love; let them know it is love that drives you, not a desire to be in control.
o Give them all the responsibility they can handle.
o As you give them additional responsibility, give them the opportunity to earn new freedom.
o Demonstrate the integrity and honesty you wish to see from them.
Click to read my article on Trusting Your Teens
Want to learn how to improve communication, strengthen your relationship with your teen, and gain confidence in your changing role…Join me for a no obligation tele-seminar.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 at 3:02 am and is filed under Parenting Teens, Tips and Tools. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 8th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Oh my God, your statements hit the nail on the head. My 15 year old has gone crazy. Nasty, lies at times, tells me to leave him alone and shut up, disrespectful, angry and then can turn around and be a baby. I hope I live thru this one…I can’t give up.
May 15th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
My teenager lies about doing his homework. When he does his homework, he usually receives good grade for those. Then for some reason, he wont do assignments and receive zeros causing him to get D’s and F’s. I started checking his grades every week and talking with his teachers almost every week. He knows I do this and that he doesn’t get away with it cause i always make him do the assignment anyway. I have consistently done this all year and yet today, he is still lying about doing his homework. WHY? and HOW CAN I STOP IT???
May 17th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I just had to respond after seeing Machelle’s post. We are living the same life! We have figured out that we cannot believe our son at all when he says he does his homework. He now has to get his agenda initialed everyday/weekly progress report etc. Also, we email his teachers so he doesn’t get away with it, but he still does it! He has no motivation and doesn’t seem to care!! Dealing with our almost 14 year old is becoming a very difficult job!
May 19th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I think sometimes kids lying increases when parents are too involved. And I struggle daily to not be too involved! My teens also do not tell the truth about homework because they do not want to deal with my reaction. I have found it works better in my house to just deal with the results of their missed or late homework. When they have a missed or late assignment or a poor grade (when I know they could have done better) the consequences are no TV or IM for the week or sometimes not going out with friends on the weekend. This takes me out of the loop somewhat as they know the consequences beforehand.
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:41 am
Machelle and Karen, my husband and I feel your pain. It is like you are describing our 14 year old daughter. Have you gotten any advice you have found to be helpful?
May 28th, 2007 at 2:22 am
This is a very interesting article. I hope that there is a follow-up article describing how to stop this behavior. My daughter is also lying about homework and we have set up the same monitoring system!!! Guess what…she is 13!! At least I feel better that we are not the only ones!
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:20 am
Where is the answer to the lying about homework? My almost 13 year old daughter is just the same! HELP US!
January 18th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Hopefully someone will read this response since I didn’t see any new postings since May. I too have the same issues with my now 13yr old son and unfortunately, his 17 yr old sister has lied about many things and in trouble with the law. Their father (ex to me) has similar traits…hence ex. However, my children I know are exploring their boundaries, however, their father says to not be upset by it. He says he doesn’t agree but that is what they do. I took away my sons electronics for sneaking alcohol at my house with his friends and his father thought I was being harsh and allowed him to use electronics at his house. Then today, one week back at his father’s house, his father lets him go skiing and take a school day off, when I called my son..I could hear the in the background that he wasn’t at his dad’s house. He lied and said he was talking to his dad on his dad’s deck and he didn’t feel well so he didn’t go to school. I called his dad and his dad said that it wasn’t right that he lied, however, he knew that I would be upset. His father doesn’t respect what I am doing with my kids and I think this is a scary behavior that I am extremely concerned about. I understand kids finding their independence…but what do you do when they start lying for others,,such as parents too. God, I have gone through a nightmare already with my daughter…and the patterns are coming up with my son. I am so bummed. Does anyone have suggestions? I have been fighting similar issues with my ex for 4years and the trust for my son is now has been jeopardized. I am tired of negotiating…what happened to discipline. My mother or father would never stand for this stuff….and frankly I didn’t try a lot of anything for fear of them. I am afraid that all this negotiation is breaking down our morals and ethics for the future generation. I understand trying boundaries…but this was a blatant lie …2nd lie in a week. I am losing my faith from previous events in this family. The ex won’t go to counseling because he doesn’t think there is a problem. My heart broke a bit today when my son told me this today, especially when he knew how sensitive I am to lies in this family. I won’t see him till Monday and I am at a loss today as to what to say to him. I am hurt and don’t understand the deceit. I am a believer in taking responsibility for your actions and he knows it. He is afraid of me taking his father to court, however, doesn’t this behavior make it worse by protecting his father’s decision to let him do something that he knew I would be upset over and risking his own integrity. (My son is just as much at fault by knowing this was not going to be acceptable, but his father will cover for him too and see no problem in it.) My son and I have worked together very hard over the last two months to get his grades up and do well. Then the one week his father has him….he lets him play. My biggest issue with him doing these kind of things is that now my son will be behind a day that he can’t afford to lose after working so hard. Rewards shouldn’t compromise school and other responsibilities…in my opinion. sorry for carrying on ….I am so frustrated and at a loss in my logic and my heart. Had to get it out.
October 16th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I ask for the same answer, to the lying about the homework situation. We have taken things away from him and grounded him and have done the same things as mentioned in other peoples responses to no avail. He says we are being unfair and making his life miserable. Has there been an article published yet concerning this issue? Or has anyone found anything that has worked? Please share anything you can. Obviously there are alot of parents dealing with their children lying to them about the homework issue.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
How about a child who is from a very loving home where the parents are both there for the 17 yr old girl who lies just to lie. Told someone her dad has hit her and she is afraid of him- not true. Told someone that her parents kicked her out of the house- I can’t remember the last time she was restricted,she has not gotten into any trouble. Told her boyfriend, now ex, that she had tried to take her life and had to spend the night at a mental health facility. Also told him during their relationship that she neve ate. SHe has admitted to liking to lie
January 7th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Kerry – this sounds like a problem that falls outside of the bounds of typical scenarios and her lying sounds like a rather important problem to address. If she landed in a mental health facility as a result of her lying…and that wasn’t enough to make her stop, it sounds like some professional help would be warranted. I recommend you find a local professional and address this directly. The business about telling someone her parent has hit her could cause serious repercussions and you want to address this before something like this spins out of control. Good luck…let us know about your progress if you are comfortable sharing it.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Like Kerry, we have a 17 yr old son who lies constantly. I dont beleive a word he says anymore which breaks my hart. He lies to get out of trouble, to make himself look better, to get someone in trouble, the list is long. He won’t admit to doing it, even if caught red handed, and never says sorry. He can be the nicest kid in the world but seconds later he’s an angry, lying, nasty man that can’t be reasoned with. He dosnt see that he’s doing. anything wrong.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:22 am
I have 13yr old that is driving me crazy. She lies every time she gets caught doing something and she is very sneaky. Im a hard working single mother and she has boys in my home when i am at work and she is smoking weed. I just know i need help before things get way more out of hand.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Jess…my heart goes out to you, this sounds hard. You are right – you do need to get help because it sounds like it already is getting out of hand. My suggestion is today – immediately – you make some calls to find local mental health professionals and find one who can help you address this problem. If there is a Health and Human Services office in your town that is a good place to begin, if you have trouble knowing where to start then call the school guidance counselor or school psychologist to get some input and a referral. If you are worried about mentioning the drug use to a school person, then don’t mention it…just tell them you are having some problems with your daughter and you are looking for local referrals. They refer people all the time and love working with pro-active parents.
Good luck. Don’t wait to take action here.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Help. Daughter created a Facebook page at a friend’s house which she knows is against the rules. She has a My Space page already – which I have access to and was one of the rules of having it. I found the Facebook page by chance. What consequences do you do? I took the pages away, can take her phone and IPod away, but have done that before and doesn’t seem to phase the girl. She is a good student and good kid, and I would have let her have the Facebook page if I had her password, etc. to monitor it. What’s up with her? Now I am thinking of taking her Spring Break trip away, but will that push her more into rebellion? I am at a loss here.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Ouch…this is a tough one. Applying consequences is hard on parents – I feel your pain, but I can’t tell you what consequence you should choose. I’m sorry…this will be your personal decision. But let me say that if you were clear in your directions and expectations, and it sounds as though you were, then it sounds like your daughter made her choice and you can be guilt-free in making her live with the consequence. It sounds like you have been fair and reasonable – although it might be a good idea to ask your daughter her opinion on that in case you are missing something. (I would want to know what is driving her to need a profile that is under your radar screen.) Let her know this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Ask her what consequence she might feel is appropriate…sometimes kids are tougher than their parents are. Listen to her, then go with your gut. That is the best you can do.
Good luck Kristen.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I have 16yr old daughter that has a real problem with lying. She was involved in a car accident back in May which caused her to lose 3 of her front teeth. She told her dad and I that she was staying the night with a friend but ended up being with her then boyfriend and one of his friends. They had gone to a couple parties where the boyfriend had some shots of tequilla and his friend was just drunk. Megan had nothing to drink and was the only one wearing a seatbelt when her boyfriend hit a rock wall and then some trees. After the accident, she said she would never lie again. Well, she has been in West TN with my parents for a week and then to church camp for a week. She told us she was going to stay with a friend July 4 weekend and then they would go to camp together that Sunday. Well, she stayed the night with a friend, but it was one that lived 45min away,she is 19yrs old and lives alone, who is pregnant by a 17yr old, and there were other boys there also. I have no idea why she continues to do this and all she keeps telling me is, “I know you wouldn’t let me”, but yet she will not even ask so we can discuss it. I am so upset, disappointed and angry right now I do not know what to do.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:26 am
This is a great article because it needs to be recognized the different ways that teens lie, why they do it, and what can be done to help prevent it. I am a teen intern for a blog (radicalparenting.com) that focuses on parenting from the teen’s point of view. We have an article just like this that has very good points, feel free to look at it.
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2009/04/02/lying-teens-5-types-of-kids-fibs-white-lies-and-exaggerations/
Thanks!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I have twin boys 15. One of them is lying, we don’t know for sure which one it is, but we have a pretty good idea. The problem is we already have him in therapy for helping his anger issues and the lying, becuase of the great stress it causes in the house. How do we know that he’s not lying to his therapist? How do we punish for the lying when it just seems to make things worse?
Thanks,
tammy
August 8th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
God I hope somebody who has been here has been in a similar situation and can help. Our 15 year-old daughter (my stepdaughter) is out of control. She lies about absolutely everything, and it’s getting to the point that I am literally afraid for the future of our family. My wife’s ex is also remarried and all 4 of get along very well. We only live about 5 miles away from each other, and she’s free to spend time at whatever house she wants (we don’t believe in the ‘it’s my week or it’s dad’s week philosophy). I’d say her time is split about 60/40 between our house and her dad’s.
It all started with high school. Her grades started slipping, she failed two classes. We did the whole school follow up thing. She began lying about homework, tests, etc…The four of us sat with her and calmly explained we love her and that school comes first. We restricted her cell phone use, internet use, and told her she needed to concentrate on classwork the next semester. As soon as the grades come up, the restrictions would be relaxed. Long story short, she’s infatuated with this boy and began sneaking around with him…not coming home after school, etc. (wife and I aren’t home until after 5).
We stumbled upon some very disturbing e-mails between her and her ‘friends’. All lies about the four of us as parents. We chalked it up to her trying to save face with her friends about why her free time had been restricted.
The four of us spoke again. She was told no unsupervised visits with the boy. Grades continued to slip, even though we were working with her nightly. She managed to fail art, for god’s sake, due to lack of participation. Her cell phone was taken away. No visits to her boyfriend’s house during the week. It got worse. She ran up a $300 phone bill on the house phone while we were at work. She failed her freshmen year and had to take summer school. We made her call and check in after school, and we called and checked in on her daily.
Her dad and step mom live in the country. We’ve now found that she has at least once ridden the bus in for summer school, cut classes and gone god-knows-where (presumably to the boys house).
The lies are getting worse. I just intercepted some more emails where she’s telling this boy that we are trying to keep them apart, that her mother and I hit her (has never happened, we’ve hardly ever raised our voices to her), that we make her go hungry (she eats better than I do), that her step-mother makes her pay for her own food (untrue), that she’s becoming bulimic and has also begun ‘cutting’ herself (absolutely untrue). The lies are getting bigger as time goes on.
This is all obviously being done as a play for sympathy and attention from this boy…to keep him on the hook and interested. “You’re the only one I can talk to…you have to help me….I love you and want to be with you…etc.)”, and she’s obviously getting his attention.
We are all literally so afraid that the lies are going to get so out of control that eventually she will tell him some lie that he takes to his parents, or she will say something to another friend or someone else in an effort to get attention that can’t be taken back and then either her stepmother, I, (or all of us) will end up investigated (or worse) by the authorities. My heart is breaking…..
We’ve already got her in counseling. We’ve shown the counselor some of these e-mails and expressed our concerns. We have had multiple conversations with her about her lying and the danger of it, and how it hurts and disappoints us and how it’s becoming more difficult for us to trust her. Every time it’s the same thing…she’s sorry, she bawls, she’ll work harder to regain our trust, she hates feeling this way….it’s always the same story.
She simply will not stop. The child wants for nothing. She has two loving families that want nothing but the best for her. She went to a christian grade school. We routinely go to church. She’s got 6 grandparents living nearby that she loves dearly and are always around. She’s got a loving brother and sister.
I don’t get it. I’m literally becoming afraid to talk to her or discipline her in her mother’s absence out of fear for what lies she’ll make up next about me (or us) to her friends.
To the best of our knowledge, she’s not involved in drugs, alcohol, or sexually active. My honest impression is that she is literally teetering on the precipice of throwing her life away.
We can’t start over and pretend nothing has happened because she’s out of control. We can’t keep punishing and taking things away..that will just make it worse and give more credence to the crap she’s spewing to her ‘friends’.
I don’t know if the answer is a different counselor, a meeting with the boy and his parents with her in attendance where we confront her on the lies and find out what she’s been telling them, whether it’s boarding school, or what.
I am convinced she lies for the thrill, for the attention the stories get her, and out of defiance. Sooner or later she will say something that can’t be taken back. I just hope when it happens it doesn’t tear the families apart.
Anybody that’s experienced anything close to this….help us please.
Dave
August 14th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Dave, that is a heart-breaking note, and I’m sorry nobody else has replied to you yet. I waited a few days to see if somebody might show up for you with some comments … I’m back from vacation now and will weigh in. I can’t tell you what is in her mind or what is driving your daughter to behave so badly. But we all know that she isn’t the first teen to be defiant against all logic – sometimes teenagers behave in really strange ways. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but you are still scared that she might step things up yet another level and get in serious harm. If you don’t think your counselor is being proactive enough then that certainly is a change you can make. A counselor can be wrong, so go with your gut if you have second thoughts on the effectiveness of that relationship. Your daughter sounds like professional help would be appropriate.
I do want to validate your pain…. there are periods of time in many families that are just plain painful to get through. During times like this you are wise to reach out to other parents as you have in this note; you need to know you are not alone and that others understand your predicament. I encourage you to make such connections locally and in person too; reach out so that you have people to process this with. You won’t have to go far to find parents who have endured very similar situations.
One thing you might benefit from is reading PARENTING TEENAGERS: the Agony and the Ecstasy as it is full of quotes from other parents. You will hear similar fear in some of their voices and perhaps you’ll get some insight from your peers, “veteran” parents or young adults who are also surveyed. Hang in there and I hope things work out soon…
August 18th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
What about when the parents or other family members of your kids friends let them do something they know is wrong such as letting your child ride in the car with her friend who has her learner’s permit only. in California this is illegal. Just because there was an adult in the car does not mean it was okay. I am calling the dad today but wanted to find out how people handle those relationships with parents of friends.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
David,
My husband and I are currently going through the SAME situation with my 14yr old daughter.
The lies she is telling seems almost identical. My daughter is a freshman in HS and is currently an honor student. However, my daughter IS cutting! We were in therapy and the therapist was not a match for my daughter and we switched.
We feel like we are banging our head against the wall. She tells lies about myself, my husband (her stepfather) and her bio dad (that she has no contact with), family members have died, her friends parent s abuse them. She lies about drugs, alcohol and sex.
Its pretty intense. We have considered homeschooling her since we recognized that school seems to be a huge trigger for her. The socialization part. She has no privelages currently because she needs to earn them back via trust. When she does, it takes a few days and she is off and lying again. She is currently telling everyone she is not lying (including therapist) but I am finding notes quite the contrary!
We are at a loss as well and just don’t know what to do.
The one recommendation I can make is take her for full medical and psychological work up and document the hell out of everything. We have also asked our daughter to periodically write a statement regarding the things she lies about and acknowledging the fact that they are lies and understands the impact they might have. She signs and dates it. We keep a copy, and all of her health care providers receive one. We also have notified the guidance counselor at the school and discussed the issues frankly with her so that the school is aware as well. Be open and honest with everyone!!! Exposing your daughter is unfortunate but protects everyone until she is healthy again.
I am also considering contacting all of her friends and notifying their parents and possibly homeschooling.
I am struggling to find others in my area with this problem. My hope is to find a support group for her and us! No luck so far.
February 9th, 2010 at 5:28 am
i’m a 17 year old boy who is going through all of these things and from my perspective, the more you restrict your child, the more they will rebel and want to go against you. if they cant tell you the truth without you blowing it way out of proportion and punishing them they will never tell you the truth at all. let your child know they can talk to you, give them freedom but still give them your presence and authority, just dont over do it.