Any parent who has caught their child in a lie knows that sinking, sick feeling you get in your stomach. Your relationship is based on trust, and the wound feels very deep when that trust is breached. Lying isn’t always what it seems, though. It may not mean your teenager is embarking on a lifetime of deceit and dishonesty. Let’s take a look at the common causes for this behavior.
There are three fundamental reasons why otherwise respectable teenagers may lie to their parents. One is a developmental issue, one is a communication issue and thirdly, it’s a test. Let me explain through some scenarios.
Scenario One: Adam is a sophomore, and his best friend, Charles, is 8 months older and already has his drivers license. Charles has a junior operators license making it illegal for him to drive with friends in the car for his first six months, but he often does it anyway. Adam’s parents have forbidden him to drive with Charles – a rule which feels very restrictive to him. Last Friday after school, a group of boys were heading out with Charles to attend a tournament soccer game in a nearby town, and Adam couldn’t stand it anymore. After telling his mom that he would be spending the afternoon at school working on a group project for his English class, he hopped into Charles’ car with the rest of the boys and spent the afternoon at the game. When, in front of his mom, his next door neighbor mentioned having seen him at the game, it didn’t take his mom long to start asking pointed questions. He was caught red-handed in his lie.
Developmental reasons: As teenagers grow, they face a developmental imperative; they must separate from their parents and learn to function, thrive and compete in the world of their peers. This means they must transition from a family-centric view of their world to a peer-centric view. When parents view it this way, it is easier to see a teenager’s process of separation and understand the adolescent drive to become independent, masters of their own lives. There are times when the world of teens’ peers becomes more compelling than the “pull” from parents. A teenager is likely to periodically face scenarios where s/he finds it more compelling to give credence to personal choice and his peer group than to listen to (or obey) a parent’s instruction. “Who is actually in control in my life, my parents, or me?” teens may ask. From the teenager’s perspective, there are times when making his own choice isn’t lying as much as it’s a matter of responding to a greater priority… his own voice. At some point, and in some situations, a teenager may actually feel compelled to go against parents’ orders simply to establish independence; a sense of “I am separate from you; I can make my own decisions.” In this context, you can see that lying can be viewed as a developmental issue, not a moral one.
Adam did not consider his action a lie as much as a personal choice. He had considered his options, and he chose to accept the risk of driving with a new driver and disobeying his parents’ rule. He had chosen to make his own decision on the matter despite his parents’ rules.
Scenario Two: Sara’s parents had a rule that she was not permitted to go to kids’ homes without an adult present. She was a senior in high school and, as she was a pretty straight-laced kid, she found most of her parents’ rules didn’t interfere with her activities. But one Saturday night her group of friends was planning to go to Marc’s home, and she knew that his parents were away. She went too, and everything worked out fine - there wasn’t any alcohol, and the kids were hanging out safely …no big deal. But a few days later Sara’s mom was speaking to another parent and discovered that Sara had not been where she had told her mother she was on Saturday night. Sara was caught in her deception. Why had she lied?
Communication problems: Lying can be a result of a communication problem. This occurs when a teenager expects that her point of view will not be respected or heard. While sometimes kids don’t ask because they don’t want to hear your answer, it could also reflect the quality of parent-teen communication. When a parent denies the recognition of a teenager’s growing independence and good judgment, you may be hurting your relationship.
In this case, Sara felt that her parents wouldn’t listen to her and would deny her permission to go to this friend’s home. Sara had developed this opinion because her parents had previously been unwilling to consider her point of view.
Honest conversations between parents and teenagers aren’t always easy, and will sometimes cover ground that can make parents uncomfortable. It sounds great to have real open and honest communication with your teenager, but this can actually create some sticky issues at times. What if your teenager wants to tell you that he drinks at parties? Could you handle it if your daughter told you she wants to go on birth control? How much honesty can you tolerate? Honesty is essential if you want to truly be a reliable resource for your teen. But understand this can be tricky, too. And if you can’t really tolerate honesty you may force your teen into a lie - unless of course your teen doesn’t have anything to lie about. Many parents find the issues they confront with older teens get pretty difficult to manage as the best solutions aren’t always clear. At any rate, your teen’s degree of honesty may reflect on your ability to communicate openly with your teen.
Scenario Three: Jacki was expected to come home straight from her middle school each day because her mom was still at work. She complied week after week, but was beginning to resent it. One day she allowed herself to accept an invitation to go to a boy’s home who lived near the school. “My mom will never find out,” she thought. But when she got home, she found that her mother had left work early, and was frantic with worry because she didn’t know where Jacki was.
Testing boundaries: Teenagers sometimes need to test the boundaries that support them. They are often chafing to expand their independence and the areas of their life in which they are free to explore. Testing the boundaries allows them to test you and the quality of your relationship. Teenagers may be asking: “Are you watching? Am I important enough to you for you to be aware of what I do? How far can I push that? Am I clever enough to get away with this? What are the consequences if I break this rule? Will you really enforce it?” Kids want to learn about you, about your relationship with them, and they sometimes feel safer when they know where the boundaries of their freedom lie.
What’s a parent to do? As these cases demonstrate, teenagers may not be conscious of it, but there can be underlying reasons that drive their disobedience. So, while it is upsetting when you learn that you may not truly be able to trust your teenager, this background knowledge should help you understand what’s really going on.
Here are some tips for parents to minimize lying from teenagers:
o Treat teens with respect. Listen to their point of view.
o Be willing to be flexible when appropriate.
o Negotiate.
o Safety should never be compromised. Know where you put your stake in the ground; be firm and consistent.
o Apply logical consequences.
o Confirm your love; let them know it is love that drives you, not a desire to be in control.
o Give them all the responsibility they can handle.
o As you give them additional responsibility, give them the opportunity to earn new freedom.
o Demonstrate the integrity and honesty you wish to see from them.
Click to read my article on Trusting Your Teens
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