There comes a time in every parent-teen relationship when trust becomes an issue. While parents tend to focus on evaluating their teen’s overall trustworthiness, a look at some more specific questions may give you tools that will help to rectify behavior problems. Know that this isn’t a simple topic; developmental issues with teens may impact their tendency to lie, along with communication problems in the family. (See my previous article Teenagers Lying: Why It Happens and What Parents Can Do.) Also, know that an honest examination of the topic may require a bit of soul-searching on your part.

Drs. Dennis and Michelle Reina are the founders of the Reina Trust Building Institute in Stowe, Vermont. They have spend many years exploring the concepts inherent in trust, and while most of their efforts are directed to the business market, they are the parents of two young adults and have years of first-hand experience applying their principles in a family setting. Dennis provides some valuable advice in his interview below. But first, let me share with you their general model as it applies to families.

According to the Reinas’ model, there are three different kinds of trust: communication trust, contractual trust and competence trust. Applying this model can be helpful in isolating and identifying relevant issues that can assist you in helping to set your teen up for success.

Communication trust: can I believe you are telling the truth?

• Can I trust your sincerity?
• Can I trust that you will share information?
• Can I trust that you will maintain confidentiality?
• Can I trust that you speak with truth?

What is the communication style in your home? Communication trust is very much a two-way street. Does your teen witness honest, respectful and open communication? Can your family tolerate discussion of challenging topics, or are tough topics not addressed? Are different points of view respected and considered, no matter who presents them? What does your teen see you modeling behaviorally in this regard? Maintaining confidentiality, speaking the truth and the whole truth…these are important issues in the teen-parent relationship. Developing positive communication skills in our children requires positive communication skills in parents. Be honest here as you assess the communication environment in your home, and if necessary make some adjustments yourself.

Contractual trust: will you do what you say you’ll do?

• Are you reliable?
• Do you keep agreements?
• Do you exhibit consistent behavior?
• Contractual trust reflects one’s overall character

Isolating the factors in the area of contractual trust may allow you to help enhance these important traits in your teen. Stress the importance of keeping agreements by encouraging and rewarding this behavior not just within the family unit, but with her peers, as well. If your teen has proven unreliable in areas around homework or duties at home, help her develop a plan of action by making expectations clear and attainable, and reward or recognize compliance. Help her see the importance of how her behavior reflects on her character as a whole, and how breaches of trust in small areas can impact others’ trust in her in the bigger issues in her life.

Competence trust: Do you have the capability? Do you have the skills, knowledge or experience necessary?

This is an important area for parents to examine. If your teen is unreliable or untrustworthy it may be that he has not received the training or doesn’t have the maturity to accomplish what you are expecting of him. Kids don’t know what they don’t know, so it’s incumbent on parents to ask the probing questions to determine if lack of knowledge, skills or experience is the real issue at hand. If it is, you now know what needs to be rectified.

Overall, parents must remember to put kids in situations in which they can be successful and trustworthy. Support their success, their skill development, and reinforce your teachings about the value and importance of consistent and trustworthy behavior.

Sue Blaney: How does trust develop in families?

Dennis Reina, Ph.D.: Trust starts with the parents- how well they practice the behaviors that build or break trust with each other. They set the standard and are the role models for the rest of the family. Trust is built or not by how well the husband and wife keep their agreements and manage expectations with one another, whether they communicate openly and honestly and admit mistakes to each other and whether they include each other in making important decisions that affect the rest of the family.

Trust continues to develop by how well these behaviors are practiced with their sons and daughters and vice versa. Do parents keep their agreements with their kids? If not, do they renegotiate? “I am going to your soccer game, but I will be late.” Or, “I will be at your piano recital on time.” Do children keep their agreements with their parents? “I will be home by 11:00pm” or “I am going to the library to study on my way home from school.”

Trust is strengthened when there is open communication and two way dialogues within families, particularly around challenging issues and troublesome problems. It is critical to solicit and gain the perspectives, insights and ownership from the kids as well as parents in resolving issues that affect the whole family.

SB: What are the elements of trust that are most important between parents and teenagers?

DR: Developing open communication and dialogue between parents and teenagers is critical to the survival and success of the both. Managing expectations and keeping agreements is also foundational. And involving each other and seeking input from one another is important in order to work through challenges, and learn and grow from those challenges.

SB: Some experts say all teenagers lie. How is a parent to deal with this? Can you put it into the context of your discussion about trust?

DR: Lying is often a symptom of low trust in oneself, starting with the teenager who may not trust in themselves or their parents that if they told the truth they would be truly heard, seen for who they are, and/or given permission to do something they really want to do.

The teenager who lies may also be testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. Parents’ best support their teenagers when they confront this behavior in their child. Of course, how that is done is paramount.

SB: When trust is breached, what should a parent do?

DR: 1. Acknowledge what happened. It is important to give the teenager the opportunity to acknowledge the lie, not deny it or try to cover up or justify their wrong doing. Help the teenager realize the impact of their actions affects not just them, but the whole family.

2. Allow feelings to surface. Both the parents and the teenager need to express their feelings regarding the lie - their disappointment, sadness, frustration. It is important that these feelings are acknowledged because they don’t go away by themselves. When they get buried and are not worked through they contribute to bigger problems later.

3. Give and get support. It takes courage for the teenager to own up to the fact they lied. Parents need to create a safe space with them and support them in admitting their mistake and telling the truth.

4. Reframe the experience. What were the extenuating circumstances surrounding the situation- not to allow anyone to get off the hook so to speak, but to understand the context under which the lie was told. Often, teenagers lie because they feel out of control in a situation and have no choice in the matter. Help the teenager realize they have choice and they have options.

5. Take responsibility. Parents can help their teenagers be accountable and take responsibility for their actions. Parents can hold up a mirror and take a look at their own behavior and take responsibility for any role of theirs that may have contributed to the situation.

6. Forgive yourself and others. Blame, criticism and sarcasm are toxic to individuals and whole families. Parents can help shift the situation from one of blame and criticism to problem solving. Ask, “What needs to be said or done to put this issue to rest?”

7. Let go and move on. Both parents and teenagers need to be able to accept what has happened without blame and criticism or making the other wrong. Acceptance without blame is not condoning what happened, it is about shifting from dwelling on the past to focusing on the present to create a different future. It takes time and commitment. You won’t always win, but if you consciously work through these steps- it will make a difference!

SB: How do kids develop trust in themselves, and what impact does this have on them?

DR: Kids start developing trust in themselves at birth. Developmentally, the first two years are critical to a child’s development and lay the foundation of their capacity for trust. We define capacity for trust as a person’s willingness and readiness to trust in themselves which affects their readiness to trust in others. The child’s trust in themselves is further developed by their experiences – positive or negative which affects their perspective and outlook on life (the glass is half empty vs. half full).

When children are raised in loving, nurturing and supportive environments by parents or guardians who establish boundaries, manage expectations with their children and hold them accountable for their actions, they teach their children responsibility and how to trust in themselves and the people around them. When parents communicate openly and honestly with their kids and give them constructive feedback along with a healthy dose of recognition and reinforcement, they help their kids develop a greater sense of themselves and nurture their self esteem. In addition, when parents allow their children to do things for themselves, learn and grow by mistakes and the lessons from those mistakes, these behaviors contribute to helping kids develop trust in themselves.

Click for more information about The Reina Trust Building Institute

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