The email messages keep coming…

“I am at a loss and don’t know where to turn from here…”
“I am worried about what is happening to her — she seems depressed.. lonely…I don’t know what to do…”
“I am so concerned for his future and he seems unconcerned. What can I do?”

Parents struggling to understand, to help; wondering what they should do. “Should I take action?” they wonder. And what action would that be?

As the recipient for parent emails above, I’m struck over and over at the concern and pain that is expressed. Parents know at a gut level when help is needed, so let’s review what options are available for parents and families who seek help.

First steps
Accepting the fact that there is a problem sounds like a fairly simple first step, but it may be the most difficult step of all. Is there a problem here? Even professionals have difficulty diagnosing this accurately, so you really need to rely on your instincts and intuition. Parents of teenagers are working in an ever-changing environment as their teens develop. Parents are sometimes wondering what “normal” is supposed to look like. Without a sense of what’s “normal,” parents may find it difficult to accurately identify if there is a problem. This is when gathering information become essential. One can gather it by reading, and by talking with friends, family and professionals.

The professionals who provide resources at your teen’s school can be an excellent place for you to begin your search for information. School counselors are well trained professionals, as are school social workers and school psychologists. They work with teenagers and families every day and they see all kinds of kids and families. They know what “normal” is. Ask them to help you gain a perspective if your issue needs special intervention or if there are more low-key ways to address your concerns and questions.

It is possible that the problem you are dealing with might have become an issue at school initially, so your first point of contact might begin there anyway. If this is the case, a parent’s attitude in addressing the school professionals is extremely important. Begin with the assumption that they are on your side, in fact try not to establish “sides” at all. Everybody is likely to be working toward the same goals, so begin by assuming this is the case and establish a positive working relationship.

Of course, school isn’t always the first or best place to address your concerns. You may begin by speaking with family or friends; ask them to respect your confidentiality if necessary. Know that you’ll be listening to people who care about you and your family, and while they may have relevant and useful experience to share, they probably have no specific training or expertise to offer you. There are times the loving support of friends and family is the most appropriate kind of support. But there are times when it is dead wrong…and you need to be able to make the distinction. Don’t be one of the many families who needs help but does not take action to get it. Listen to your intuition, and learn from your information-gathering about whether you need to take further action.

What Do Therapists See and Say?
While many families seek help from psychotherapists, for some there is reluctance to do so. What keeps people from accessing professional help? It may be they don’t want to admit some kind of inadequacy or they resist what they perceive as a loss of control. Fear, denial, wanting to avoid painful self-reflection…there are many reasons why people may avoid getting help. Clearly, seeing a therapist isn’t fun; but addressing issues appropriately is not only essential, it is the only way to a resolution. Parents have an obligation to not only do all they can to create a healthy family environment, but to show our kids good ways to address important issues. What do you want to teach your kids about problem solving?

While he doesn’t see “usual” problems, Dr David Gleason, Ph.D. does see recurrent themes: loss, learning problems, kids in trouble, family relationships and family dynamics. In fact, the “family” element has a large impact, and Dr. Gleason says that kids who do best in therapy are in families where the families are also willing to participate. “Rarely is a kid’s problem an isolated problem; it almost always is associated with a family dynamic of some kind,” he says. Dr. Gleason, whose practice focuses on adolescents, will often begin by seeing the teenager but in time his approach may include other members of the family.

Carrie Leggett, LICSW, makes another good point. She says that teens benefit from having a completely objective place to go. A good therapist offers an environment with no judgment, no punishment; a place where it’s completely safe to reveal and explore those difficult thoughts and feelings. She points out that “Kids need to address many kinds of issues, and there are lots of things that happen that aren’t in their control that have nothing to do with parents.”

Ms. Leggett also points out that parents and teens don’t always agree when things are going right or wrong. Sometimes parents bring their kid in saying “she’s not talking;” “he’s angry, anxious worried….” But the teen says “everything is fine.” If a child doesn’t want to be there and isn’t going to access the help, it is a waste of time, money and energy. However, she has also seen several instances when a parent brought in a teen who initially resisted the assistance, but at a later date wanted to take advantage of the resource. Having made the initial connection with the therapist had turned out to be an advantage.

Where Help is Available:
In today’s wired society, there are new options in accessing support. We’ve discussed two major areas – schools and local therapists – but there are other ways, too. There are parent coaches who have received some training and have some expertise, who offer individual sessions on the telephone. Today you can even access trained psychiatrists and social workers for telephone or e-mail discussions. You can find appropriate professionals by searching the web, asking your doctor, or checking with your Employee Assistance Plan at work.

In order to determine which is the best course of action for you, here are some points for you to consider:

• Identify in advance what you are looking for…does it matter if this professional is a male or a female? Is there a specialty required? What other criteria are important given your goals?
• What is your goal? If yours is a simple question, an email to a qualified, trained professional may give you what you want. However, be realistic in your assessment: if you are worried about a drug problem or serious behavior issues, your goal probably needs to include an ongoing relationship with a helping professional. This is best achieved in person. And addressing more serious problems is likely to require the participation of family members – again, best achieved with local, in-person relationships.
• Shop around. The first professional you speak with may not be the right one; you need to “click.” Don’t be afraid to speak to several people before making a commitment.
• Never give away your power. Go into any therapeutic relationship with the understanding that you can accept their recommendations, or not. Never take recommendations that don’t feel right to you…filter all recommendations through your own value system and consider that you know your family members better than any outsiders.

Bookmark this: