Today’s parents bemoan the culture in which we are raising our teenagers. Complaining that it’s “hard to be the voice they actually listen to,” parents criticize television programming for a lack of values and for portraying “bad behavior as being fashionable and cool.” They complain that the internet and other media gives kids “too many sources of conflicting advice” and “desensitizes kids.”

Responding to our survey titled “Three Sides of the Coin,” parents sound downright fearful for their teenagers’ safety. In fact, many parents are quite literally thinking in life and death terms, saying they hope their kids “make it out of their teens ALIVE.”

Wow. Parents, calm down. If you are living in fear you are unable to provide the kind of support your teens need from you.

I don’t mean to ridicule your sentiment; I don’t minimize the dangers kids face, nor do I erroneously believe teens are always prepared to make safe decisions. But this sense of fear can get away from you; it can spoil important time with your teenager that you will never get back again. Fear does not produce a helpful attitude for either you or your teenager. It impacts your ability to communicate effectively, it clouds your judgment, it negatively impacts your relationship with your teenager. You end up wishing this time away, rather than finding the best way to make this stage enjoyable.

What are you afraid of? I daresay the list today looks the same as the list of parent worries for decades. Alcohol and drug use, negative peer pressure and car accidents are the top three. And parents, rather than be fearful, be engaged. You really can influence your teen’s actions in all three areas.

It is possible that teens are using drugs and alcohol less than you think. While statistics showing drug and alcohol use cause just alarm, you must know that many teenagers don’t use these substances, or at least use them less than you may think. Be careful about getting caught in a self-defeating cycle of negative beliefs. Positive attitudes and a realistic belief in your teenager’s good judgment may serve you better.

What kind of Culture do you create in your home? If parents are complaining about our toxic culture, parents need to look at their approach in filtering the cultural messages received by teens. What kind of a family culture do you create and nurture? That is your single best defense. By creating a positive and supportive culture in your home you not only bolster a child’s defenses against offensive messages, you increase your chances of having teens who don’t get involved in the behaviors which so many of you fear.

Your parenting style matters. Parents who readily express their love, who apply realistic rules, who hold kids accountable, and who listen and encourage honest conversation create a culture in which kids thrive.

What is the source of the cultural messages that parents detest? Most mention the media and the internet as the primary culprits of promoting bad taste and evil messages. Yet 63% of kids 8 – 18 have a television in their bedroom, 49% of kids have a video game player and 31% have a computer in their bedroom! These parents have no right to complain about media consumption and our culture. If parents want to provide effective filters you need to be willing to limit IM, to put rules around your teen’s access to My Space, to monitor the television shows that are watched, and to hold kids accountable for curfews and chores. Parents have more control than some are willing to exercise. Truly, you provide the best filters for your kids’ cultural consumption.

This is simpler than you may think. Families in which rituals are enjoyed and valued maintain the kind of connections that enhance relationships. This is about having dinner together, talking together, respecting one another. The stronger the relationship, the more kids care what their parents think. The kids who know that their parents won’t tolerate dangerous behavior often identify that as a primary deterrent. There isn’t a one-size fits all solution, but the solution begins with you! 

For specific adult behaviors that influence alcohol consumption, we turn to Alex Packer, the founder of Freedom from Chemical Dependency, a respected organization providing information and tools to help kids stay straight. He points out the following family attributes which are associated with a decreased likelihood of substance abuse:

• Parents who drink in moderation, if they drink at all,
• Drinking is presented in morally neutral terms,
• Drunkenness is not viewed as a humorous condition,
• Family members are neither pressured to drink nor singled out for choosing not to,
• Family policies for drinking are clearly understood and agreed to by all family members.

Living in fear will not help your relationship with your teenager. Rather, relax a little and spend time building up your relationship and learning more about your teen’s interests. Find time to play together; spend time doing what s/he likes to do. Show how much you care, and teach him about the values that you hold most dear.

That will go a long way toward keeping your teen safe, and you sane.

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