KidsWin is the name of Margot Rutledge’s company, and S.T.A.R. Teens is a program you should know about if you have young teens.

Margot remembers all too well her feelings of shyness and insecurity as a child. As an adult she made conscious choices to expand beyond her limiting beliefs, and grew tremendously as she became, ultimately, a Dale Carnegie instructor. She has created an effective program for young teens so they have the opportunities to gain self-confidence early on. Margot lives her work, and that she is sharing her work with young teenagers is a gift you need to know about.

KidsWin was founded on the belief that children have the ability to achieve great and wonderful things, given the right tools and positive person-centered support by the people around them. S.T.A.R. Teens is a mentoring process that builds capability and resilience in children and encourages positive supportive relationships between adults and children. Whether you call it “self-esteem”, “self- efficacy,” “self-confidence”, or “resiliency*”, this quality affects everything you do – or don’t do. It all comes down to your belief in your ability to meet challenges.

Developing a competency is the key to building self-confidence. Once kids see that they can be successful in an area, they are more confident in their abilities. This leads them to be willing to take action in other areas, which begins a series of positive experiences that build upon themselves so that kids begin to feel that they can achieve their dreams.

How does S.T.A.R. Teens work? “In a safe, supportive environment you encourage kids to take a risk, to do something they didn’t think they could do. You build on their strengths, recognize improvement and effort, and help by providing ongoing encouragement. Over time, the child develops a sense of competency,” says Margot.

This program uses speaking as the vehicle to build confidence. It is a vehicle that can be used in the classroom, in mentoring relationships, and with parents. And improved communication skills will obviously benefit kids throughout their life.

Margot often conducts the program at a middle school level, or in the upper grades of an elementary school. Although it’s best when integrated into a grade-wide program, that isn’t required. Given the difficult budget scenarios in education today, Margot is finding creative ways to make this program affordable, often by partnering with a business or grant provider. And the program can be used in Boys and Girls Clubs, after-school programs, Scouts, churches, mentor programs and anywhere else kids and adults interact.

There are several facets to the program. Using a school implementation as an example, it begins with a consultation with the school administration and guidance staff. She then offers a training session for the faculty and an educational seminar for the parents titled Parents as Mentors. There are ten units in the kids’ program that take place over ten meetings. Of course, the amount of time required will depend on the number of kids in the program. It is completed with an assembly and magic show for parents, students and staff titled The Magic in You.

There are other, less time-intensive iterations of the program, and there is a guide for parents so they can help drive, and support, the program. However, as speaking is the primary vehicle, it is best implemented in a group environment.

Lives have been changed through this program. One parent noted “Even the most timid and the most distracted youngsters seemed to flourish under this approach.” A fifth grade teacher said “In my opinion, all children need what this program has to offer…”

Is helping to build a stronger sense of resilience, confidence, and self-esteem part of your goals for the young teens in your life? Support them in taking risks, learning new skills, and taking steps beyond their comfort zones. That in itself is self-empowering and builds to exciting new opportunities that will have an affect on a child – and adult- through life.

If you would like to learn more about this program, contact Margot Rutledge at www.KidsWin.org

* there are differences in the meaning of these phrases to many people in the field. However, our aim here is to not spend time wading through issues of semantics. Rather we focus on what these areas have in common, and why it is important to a young teen’s development.

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Here’s some insight from a “veteran” parent of teens who says: “If I could raise my teen again I would listen more. Teens need parents to just listen to their thoughts, joys, fears, dilemmas. We are often too quick to fix things for them. This is not what they need the most from us. They need us to listen and respect their process in learning how to make wise decisions. They are more apt to listen to us if they feel truly heard first.” Paula, MA

Many veteran parents in our survey indicate that if they could do it over again they would spend more time listening and less time talking. Try to enhance your ability to practice “active listening.” This is when you suspend judgment, you focus completely on what your teen is saying rather than preparing your reply, and you tune in to the emotional content as well as the spoken words. Active listening is a learned skill that requires practice. Don’t wait… using this approach will enhance your relationship and will demonstrate how much you care.

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Today’s parents bemoan the culture in which we are raising our teenagers. Complaining that it’s “hard to be the voice they actually listen to,” parents criticize television programming for a lack of values and for portraying “bad behavior as being fashionable and cool.” They complain that the internet and other media gives kids “too many sources of conflicting advice” and “desensitizes kids.”

Responding to our survey titled “Three Sides of the Coin,” parents sound downright fearful for their teenagers’ safety. In fact, many parents are quite literally thinking in life and death terms, saying they hope their kids “make it out of their teens ALIVE.”

Wow. Parents, calm down. If you are living in fear you are unable to provide the kind of support your teens need from you.

I don’t mean to ridicule your sentiment; I don’t minimize the dangers kids face, nor do I erroneously believe teens are always prepared to make safe decisions. But this sense of fear can get away from you; it can spoil important time with your teenager that you will never get back again. Fear does not produce a helpful attitude for either you or your teenager. It impacts your ability to communicate effectively, it clouds your judgment, it negatively impacts your relationship with your teenager. You end up wishing this time away, rather than finding the best way to make this stage enjoyable.

What are you afraid of? I daresay the list today looks the same as the list of parent worries for decades. Alcohol and drug use, negative peer pressure and car accidents are the top three. And parents, rather than be fearful, be engaged. You really can influence your teen’s actions in all three areas.

It is possible that teens are using drugs and alcohol less than you think. While statistics showing drug and alcohol use cause just alarm, you must know that many teenagers don’t use these substances, or at least use them less than you may think. Be careful about getting caught in a self-defeating cycle of negative beliefs. Positive attitudes and a realistic belief in your teenager’s good judgment may serve you better.

What kind of Culture do you create in your home? If parents are complaining about our toxic culture, parents need to look at their approach in filtering the cultural messages received by teens. What kind of a family culture do you create and nurture? That is your single best defense. By creating a positive and supportive culture in your home you not only bolster a child’s defenses against offensive messages, you increase your chances of having teens who don’t get involved in the behaviors which so many of you fear.

Your parenting style matters. Parents who readily express their love, who apply realistic rules, who hold kids accountable, and who listen and encourage honest conversation create a culture in which kids thrive.

What is the source of the cultural messages that parents detest? Most mention the media and the internet as the primary culprits of promoting bad taste and evil messages. Yet 63% of kids 8 – 18 have a television in their bedroom, 49% of kids have a video game player and 31% have a computer in their bedroom! These parents have no right to complain about media consumption and our culture. If parents want to provide effective filters you need to be willing to limit IM, to put rules around your teen’s access to My Space, to monitor the television shows that are watched, and to hold kids accountable for curfews and chores. Parents have more control than some are willing to exercise. Truly, you provide the best filters for your kids’ cultural consumption.

This is simpler than you may think. Families in which rituals are enjoyed and valued maintain the kind of connections that enhance relationships. This is about having dinner together, talking together, respecting one another. The stronger the relationship, the more kids care what their parents think. The kids who know that their parents won’t tolerate dangerous behavior often identify that as a primary deterrent. There isn’t a one-size fits all solution, but the solution begins with you! 

For specific adult behaviors that influence alcohol consumption, we turn to Alex Packer, the founder of Freedom from Chemical Dependency, a respected organization providing information and tools to help kids stay straight. He points out the following family attributes which are associated with a decreased likelihood of substance abuse:

• Parents who drink in moderation, if they drink at all,
• Drinking is presented in morally neutral terms,
• Drunkenness is not viewed as a humorous condition,
• Family members are neither pressured to drink nor singled out for choosing not to,
• Family policies for drinking are clearly understood and agreed to by all family members.

Living in fear will not help your relationship with your teenager. Rather, relax a little and spend time building up your relationship and learning more about your teen’s interests. Find time to play together; spend time doing what s/he likes to do. Show how much you care, and teach him about the values that you hold most dear.

That will go a long way toward keeping your teen safe, and you sane.

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