Carla had many strengths as a parent. Comfortable and confident in her role, she believed in keeping firm boundaries, and she had had few problems with her children. But when she noticed that the battling with her teenage son had increased substantially, she spoke with some friends and realized she had to take a good look at her own communication style. “One of my friends asked me a good question,” she said. “She asked me if I had changed the way I talk about the rules with my son. And I realized that I really hadn’t changed my communication style at all.”

The need to change your communication style to reflect your teenager’s growing maturity is not always obvious to parents, and yet it is one of the simplest and most effective ways to improve the dynamics in your relationship. Interestingly enough, sometimes the rules aren’t the problem, but the way the rules are communicated can work against the compliance, and relationship, you seek.

Here are several ways parents can use their communication style to positively affect their relationship with their teenagers:

Negotiation is good: It is appropriate to negotiate with teens. Negotiation gives you a great deal of worthwhile information about your teenager’s values, interests and needs. It gives you a sense of what is really important to her, and it teaches her to express herself and communicate her ideas. And most importantly, while teaching life lessons that have real value, you are allowing her the opportunity to have input into the rules for which she is held accountable. Negotiation doesn’t have to turn into a win/lose proposition; skillful parents can make the discussion a “win” for both of you.

Demonstrate respect: Parents expect their teenagers to show respect, yet there are often times when parents don’t model that behavior to the kids. Modeling the behavior we wish to see is the most powerful way to teach our teens how to behave. Hopefully you have demonstrated your respect for your child throughout his life; this is essential now as he is building confidence in his decision-making ability and growing into adulthood.

Take a “relational” approach: Parents of teenagers need to keep important rules in place, and the rules can be communicated in such as way as to encourage “buy in” from the kids. To communicate in such a way places important focus on a positive relationship, rather than on managing in an authoritarian way. Think about the tone and manner in which you want to be spoken to, and offer that style when in communication with your teenager – especially when discussing important rules and expectations.

Keep your goals in mind: Is your goal to raise a competent young person who will be prepared to thrive and compete in the world upon high school graduation? If so, be mindful about the skills your teenager needs to acquire by that time. Make sure that you are helping to teach and support those skills in the way you share information, expectations and responsibility. Kids don’t learn these things overnight, it’s a gradual process. Be sure that your communication style supports your teenager’s growing independence and developing skills.

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