So your teenager isn’t communicating with you. Join the club. As teenagers deal with the issues they face in their world – schoolwork, friends, social issues, the demands of extra curricular activities on their time etc., sometimes parents feel like they are at the bottom of their child’s list of important people, or worse, that they’re the last person their teenager wants to talk to.

Parents need to understand what’s going on, and what is driving this lack of communication from your teenager. Yet, if your child isn’t communicating, how do you find out why? It feels like a “catch-22,” so let’s examine some possible approaches. First, your approach needs to vary depending upon how long this has been going on, so we’ll consider time frames in our discussion.

Immediate time frame – Your teenager just arrived home from school, and you’ve been waiting to talk with her about a pressing subject – the two of you had even agreed to speak about it when she got home from school. You are stunned as she gruffly spits out “okay” to your question “How was your day?” and disappears behind her closed door. How parents deal with a situation like this requires us to tune into our teen’s mood, stress level, non-verbal communication, and behave appropriately. It’s obvious by her behavior that speaking about anything in this situation is going to be a challenge.

Your approach - In this situation, unless it’s absolutely necessary, you wait. Our approach with our kids requires us to demonstrate the patience and perspective that is expected of adults…as hard as that may be, so we have to read the situation, demonstrate our sensitivity to their needs, and act accordingly. After giving your teen a reasonable time to be by herself, a gentle approach lets her know you’re there, that you are available, and that you have an appointment with her. While being sensitive to her issues and feelings is appropriate, it may not be right to simply ignore your earlier commitment. Just don’t jump down her throat. She might be dealing with something that feels like a very major issue, and parents can make the situation worse by not going in gently.

Medium time frame - If our teenager’s behavior and closed-to-us-attitude goes on for a longer period of time, we need to take note of what is happening in his/her world on a wider scale. Is he stressed because of an upcoming event – a big test, an important try-out or game, changes in a relationship…? Getting the information you need may be helpful so that you are able to ascertain what’s behind this inability to communicate.

Your approach - Try and find out what is behind the behavior by carefully asking gentle, open questions, observing and listening, and tuning into other sources of information like their friends and teachers. This doesn’t have to be obvious or invasive of privacy – it may merely mean you’re more intentional about listening. Then you’ll want to try and create a time and space in which he might open up a bit and let you in. Here are some suggestions:

• Go out for lunch together.

• Stay up later and be available for a conversation on his time schedule – which will undoubtedly be later at night than you like.

• Send him an e-mail or a note telling him you sense something is wrong and why you’re worried about him. Parents who use this approach often receive a reply via the same medium – a note or e-mail in return. Sometimes this indirect approach is effective because it’s more comfortable for the teen.

• Plan to do an activity together that you enjoy – a tennis game, a hike, going to a movie – something that will build your connection and provide an opportunity to speak alone after you’ve re-established your rapport.

Chances are good you’ll gain enough information to determine your next move.

Long term time frame – If your child’s lack of communication with you goes on for a longer period of time, you need to ask yourself some more serious questions. Begin with yourself: look at the quality of your relationship in general. How would you describe the quality of trust and respect for each other that you share? Will your answer match up with your teenager’s answer to that question? Try it out by asking her, and if your perception about your relationship doesn’t map to hers, you’ll learn a lot of useful information that you can apply. No teenager will spend much time communicating with someone who doesn’t respect or trust him.

There are other possibilities, too. For some teens, shutting their parents out is a developmental step toward independence, and it may fall into what, for that child, is perfectly ”normal” behavior. It is possible, too, that there is something more seriously wrong in your child’s life that you need to address, or help her address. How will you know this?

Your approach - You won’t know this without gathering more information…so you need to actively solicit information from all available sources. In addition to trying to speak with your teenager as suggested in the previous example, speak to teachers, coaches, guidance counselors – adults and kids who are involved in your child’s life. Try to gain information from people who know your child in various settings so you can gain a fuller picture of his/her behavior. As you gather more information, you’ll be able to evaluate how serious this lack of communication is and learn if it’s about your relationship, if the behavior is within normal bounds, or if there just might be something more serious going on. From there, you can develop a plan of action.

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