They are called “pushy dads, and hovering moms.” TIME Magazine called parents on it in their February cover story What Teachers Hate About Parents.

Helicopter parents are hovering parents; they run interference, they pave the way, they fight their kid’s battles for them, they protect them at all cost. Helicopter parents don’t allow their kids enough rein to fail, or succeed, on their own.

Protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences – for all of you.

Undermining kids’ confidence: Here’s a story that illustrates the point. This is an excerpt from an interview with a high school counselor, published in Please Stop the Rollercoaster!

“Here’s something that happened just recently: a student here was passed over for the National Honor Society, and she felt that she should have been recommended. We have a process in situations like this, and she had the opportunity to present her case to a review board of five staff members. The student and I discussed the situation at length, and I helped coach her as she prepared her presentation. She asked that I be present at the meeting, and she also asked if her mom could be present; both of us were there but neither of us said anything.

This student did a great job. She presented her case clearly and thoughtfully. It was not an easy thing to do and I was very proud of her. In the end, however, she was still denied the Honor Society recommendation.

The next day both of her parents were in my office. They wanted another shot at it, this time playing a larger role. They were upset that the father had not come to the meeting; they were upset that the mom had not spoken up. They felt that with their involvement they could change the outcome of the case.

In reality, however, what they were doing was undermining their child. They were saying that the job she did wasn’t good enough, that she needed them to be successful. It was not productive. Their child needed to deal with the disappointment – it won’t be her first in life – without adding any feelings of incompetence. Can you see how they were hurting, not helping, their daughter?”*

One of our obligations in raising our children, is to help them develop self-reliance. Indeed, this is a trait that is essential to their success in life. Helicopter parents co-opt the very self-reliance – indeed the foundation for success – they are trying to help their children develop.

Fear of failure: No parent wants to see their child fail. In fact, it may be one of the most challenging scenarios for a parent to endure. But if we over-protect our children to the extent that they are shielded from feelings of disappointment, and never experience failure, we’ve denied them the chance to learn that they can survive a challenge. Learning that one can fail, and then get back up to try another day, is one of life’s great lessons.

Parents need to love their kids enough to allow them these experiences. And parents need to love their child through the ups and downs of their successes and failures, completely disassociating “love” and “success.” This can feel tricky when parenting teenagers, especially if your teen is going through a rough period. Think about how you express your unconditional love. Look for opportunities to express it even more if your teen is facing challenges. Talk about this with your spouse or a trusted friend so you are certain you are giving the message that you intend to give.

The degree to which you leave your teenager on his own to manage his challenges will depend on his age, maturity, and the type of challenges he faces. Often parents struggle to find the right level of support; it isn’t always obvious to know when your child really needs you to step in and when she will benefit more from being left to her own devices. But remember to value the opportunity for kids to build their muscles, their stamina, and their self-reliance. Stepping back as an act of love may be just the right move.

Helicopter parenting may be a symptom of a larger issue: Parents who have a tendency to be controllers, and who over-identify with their child’s success, report less joy and satisfaction in life, according to a study that was released recently at a conference for Research in Child Development. These parents answered positively to the statement, “My daughter’s failure can make me feel ashamed.” For those parents, the connection between their self-esteem and their child’s success is clear. What is less obvious, is these same parents continue to have less satisfaction in their life even when their child is performing well! It seems the real issue is that when your self-worth is dependent on others’ behavior, it fosters intense emotions, and greater mood swings, and less satisfaction.

The bottom line? Helicopter parenting is an approach fraught with downsides. Parents need to keep working at their degree of involvement until they get the balance right. If not for their teen, then for themselves.

Joey Green says, in The Road to Success is Paved with Failure:“…Failure builds character, helps you hone your skills, tests your determination, fortifies you with eight essential vitamins, and gives you the inner strength and courage to go back out there and fall flat on your face all over again… Just remember, everyone falls down. You’re not a failure until you don’t get back up.

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