“Brownies for Breakfast” has become a code-word for me after hearing a wonderful story from a Mom on a conference call I ran last week. We were talking about ways to connect with teenagers, and she told of the morning last summer when she found herself sitting quietly on her front porch. Her younger son joined her when he woke up, and as they had nothing pressing that day, they sat there in their pajamas and played cards, and ate left-over brownies. A little while later, the older son joined them, and they just hung around, enjoying each other’s company for quite a while. At the end of the summer, the Mom asked the boys what had been the best part of the summer, and they both said “the morning we had brownies for breakfast.” She noted it wasn’t the vacation, or some of the special day-adventures they had had, it was when they had simply taken time to hang out and enjoy one another’s company.

I’ll bet every adult you know would say the same thing…that the memories we cherish are the times when we simply connect with those we love. We need to make sure we slow down our lives enough to create the opportunities for those special moments with our teenagers.

What ideas can you share for ways to create those special opportunities for connection with our teenagers? Do you have any experiences like the one above? We’d love to hear about it.

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Yesterday, there was an article in the Boston Globe about software that allows parents instant access to their student’s records in high school - including the student’s attendance that day and even, in some cases, what the kids have eaten at lunch. How does this strike you? The attendance, and grades and records information makes sense to me, particularly if attendance is an issue with your teen…and the article indicated that the attendance component of this program is positively influencing kids’ attendance at school. This is a good thing.

But monitoring details of kids lives in high school down to points of minutia -as in what they bought at lunch - can backfire badly, in my opinion. Yes, obesity is a problem. But parents of high school kids ought to be focusing on teaching kids how to make good decisions themselves, not playing the food police.

Here is it again…another article, this time from the Houston Chronicle…parents tracking every thing a kid eats in school.* Hello? Am I alone in thinking this is a bit invasive and possibly even counter-productive to teaching kids good self-regulatory habits?

*granted, this may be at middle school rather than high school, but I don’t see much difference. Do you?

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A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of marijuana smoke that circled up and into to her kitchen window from the neighbor’s driveway during the warm summer nights. The neighbor’s teenagers and their friends were smoking out in the driveway. The mother’s response was, “Well, that’s what kids do, isn’t it?”

What parents expect of our kids often becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It seems simple, in the above example, to see the mother at fault. Many of us who are dead set against our kids using drugs don’t have trouble seeing the error in her ways.

But what about alcohol use? This issue feels much less clear to many parents.

The “Zero tolerance” policy that is present in many communities is supposed to give a clear message to teenagers. We all know that the drinking age is 21, and the statistics that indicate fewer teenaged drunken driving accidents support this law. The zero tolerance laws make the consequences of teenage drinking clear, theoretically providing an additional deterrent to this illegal behavior.

But it’s not so clear for parents. When living with teenagers who are actually in the process of making those decisions, the range of choices becomes much more complex. This was highlighted to me recently when in the company of a parent who loudly declared “My kids don’t drink!” (His kids are 18 and 20 years old.) What made his declaration so surprising is even I know this simply isn’t true. More than a little surprised at both his desire to boast of his “ideal” teenagers, and his ignorance, it caused me to re-examine this tough issue for parents. Let’s look at some of the issues parents must face around alcohol use of older teenagers.*

By the time kids have graduated from high school, 80% of them have tried alcohol. So, if most kids are going to experiment with alcohol, attentive parents must question what they can do to keep kids safe. This sticky wicket includes looking at the questions: if I allow my teenager to drink at home, am I actually encouraging the behavior? If my teenager is drinking, how do I know if he/she is do it as safely as possible? What role do I play in keeping my teen safe while not encouraging drinking? Is our relationship open enough to tolerate honest conversation about his/her behavior in drinking? Can my teen trust me to have smart, realistic, and honest discussion around this topic?

TIME magazine quoted many adults, even several college presidents who feel that the drinking age of 21 creates more problems than it solves. It pushes drinking underground, where adult supervision disappears. It forces kids to drink furtively, and may actually encourage the irresponsible behavior that it is trying to prevent. We know in most European countries teenagers are brought up with alcohol available to them, and they don’t seem to have the same struggles that we do with teenage drinking. Is Zero tolerance helping us, or hurting us?

These are really difficult questions. And many of these questions must be examined by each parent of a teenager as you sort through this challenging area. By not knowing that your kids may be drinking at parties, you may be forcing them get behind the wheel of a car at night so they get home by curfew. By not honestly facing and discussing their interest in drinking, you may be denying them the chance to learn from you how to drink responsibly, and to demonstrate their ability to make good decisions. You may have denied your chance to hear their honest opinion and to know what they think. Will your teenager be prepared to make good decisions upon leaving home after high school? Some kids, particularly those who haven’t had much freedom in their past, party too hard when they find themselves in an unsupervised environment, having little experience demonstrating balance and judgment around alcohol.

On the other hand, by allowing them to go to the homes and places where alcohol is available, your teenager is now subject to all kinds of possible consequences: is he/she going to drink too much? Can you rely on their use of designated drivers? And what if they get caught drinking while underage? The legal consequences of zero tolerance can be serious. To add another wrinkle, experts see that alcohol consumption can have a negative impact on adolescents’ brain development.

Each family must find their own way through these challenging issues. The law will tell us the issue is clear, but most parents of teenagers know that the reality of making these choices can be gut wrenching at times.

Being a parent of a teenager is one of the most challenging positions you’ll ever find yourself in. And this discussion will demonstrate what many of you have already experienced: sometimes every option you have feels undesirable for one reason or another. But sticking your head in the sand may be the option that’s the least responsible. Ask yourself: What’s more important, that your teenager make decisions you agree with, or that he/she learns to make good decisions that keep him safe?

*There are some different issues when speaking about younger teens who experiment with alcohol. Statistics show that kids who are drinking before the age of 15 are four times as likely to become dependent on alcohol as those who start drinking at 21. They are also 10 times more likely to be involved in a fight after drinking alcohol, seven times likelier to be involved in a car accident, and 12 times likelier to be injured. Experts recommend that adults do all they can to delay the start of alcohol consumption in teens.

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So your teenager isn’t communicating with you. Join the club. As teenagers deal with the issues they face in their world – schoolwork, friends, social issues, the demands of extra curricular activities on their time etc., sometimes parents feel like they are at the bottom of their child’s list of important people, or worse, that they’re the last person their teenager wants to talk to.

Parents need to understand what’s going on, and what is driving this lack of communication from your teenager. Yet, if your child isn’t communicating, how do you find out why? It feels like a “catch-22,” so let’s examine some possible approaches. First, your approach needs to vary depending upon how long this has been going on, so we’ll consider time frames in our discussion.

Immediate time frame – Your teenager just arrived home from school, and you’ve been waiting to talk with her about a pressing subject – the two of you had even agreed to speak about it when she got home from school. You are stunned as she gruffly spits out “okay” to your question “How was your day?” and disappears behind her closed door. How parents deal with a situation like this requires us to tune into our teen’s mood, stress level, non-verbal communication, and behave appropriately. It’s obvious by her behavior that speaking about anything in this situation is going to be a challenge.

Your approach - In this situation, unless it’s absolutely necessary, you wait. Our approach with our kids requires us to demonstrate the patience and perspective that is expected of adults…as hard as that may be, so we have to read the situation, demonstrate our sensitivity to their needs, and act accordingly. After giving your teen a reasonable time to be by herself, a gentle approach lets her know you’re there, that you are available, and that you have an appointment with her. While being sensitive to her issues and feelings is appropriate, it may not be right to simply ignore your earlier commitment. Just don’t jump down her throat. She might be dealing with something that feels like a very major issue, and parents can make the situation worse by not going in gently.

Medium time frame - If our teenager’s behavior and closed-to-us-attitude goes on for a longer period of time, we need to take note of what is happening in his/her world on a wider scale. Is he stressed because of an upcoming event – a big test, an important try-out or game, changes in a relationship…? Getting the information you need may be helpful so that you are able to ascertain what’s behind this inability to communicate.

Your approach - Try and find out what is behind the behavior by carefully asking gentle, open questions, observing and listening, and tuning into other sources of information like their friends and teachers. This doesn’t have to be obvious or invasive of privacy – it may merely mean you’re more intentional about listening. Then you’ll want to try and create a time and space in which he might open up a bit and let you in. Here are some suggestions:

• Go out for lunch together.

• Stay up later and be available for a conversation on his time schedule – which will undoubtedly be later at night than you like.

• Send him an e-mail or a note telling him you sense something is wrong and why you’re worried about him. Parents who use this approach often receive a reply via the same medium – a note or e-mail in return. Sometimes this indirect approach is effective because it’s more comfortable for the teen.

• Plan to do an activity together that you enjoy – a tennis game, a hike, going to a movie – something that will build your connection and provide an opportunity to speak alone after you’ve re-established your rapport.

Chances are good you’ll gain enough information to determine your next move.

Long term time frame – If your child’s lack of communication with you goes on for a longer period of time, you need to ask yourself some more serious questions. Begin with yourself: look at the quality of your relationship in general. How would you describe the quality of trust and respect for each other that you share? Will your answer match up with your teenager’s answer to that question? Try it out by asking her, and if your perception about your relationship doesn’t map to hers, you’ll learn a lot of useful information that you can apply. No teenager will spend much time communicating with someone who doesn’t respect or trust him.

There are other possibilities, too. For some teens, shutting their parents out is a developmental step toward independence, and it may fall into what, for that child, is perfectly ”normal” behavior. It is possible, too, that there is something more seriously wrong in your child’s life that you need to address, or help her address. How will you know this?

Your approach - You won’t know this without gathering more information…so you need to actively solicit information from all available sources. In addition to trying to speak with your teenager as suggested in the previous example, speak to teachers, coaches, guidance counselors – adults and kids who are involved in your child’s life. Try to gain information from people who know your child in various settings so you can gain a fuller picture of his/her behavior. As you gather more information, you’ll be able to evaluate how serious this lack of communication is and learn if it’s about your relationship, if the behavior is within normal bounds, or if there just might be something more serious going on. From there, you can develop a plan of action.

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They are called “pushy dads, and hovering moms.” TIME Magazine called parents on it in their February cover story What Teachers Hate About Parents.

Helicopter parents are hovering parents; they run interference, they pave the way, they fight their kid’s battles for them, they protect them at all cost. Helicopter parents don’t allow their kids enough rein to fail, or succeed, on their own.

Protection may be the good intention at the heart of the parents who choose this approach, but there are consequences – for all of you.

Undermining kids’ confidence: Here’s a story that illustrates the point. This is an excerpt from an interview with a high school counselor, published in Please Stop the Rollercoaster!

“Here’s something that happened just recently: a student here was passed over for the National Honor Society, and she felt that she should have been recommended. We have a process in situations like this, and she had the opportunity to present her case to a review board of five staff members. The student and I discussed the situation at length, and I helped coach her as she prepared her presentation. She asked that I be present at the meeting, and she also asked if her mom could be present; both of us were there but neither of us said anything.

This student did a great job. She presented her case clearly and thoughtfully. It was not an easy thing to do and I was very proud of her. In the end, however, she was still denied the Honor Society recommendation.

The next day both of her parents were in my office. They wanted another shot at it, this time playing a larger role. They were upset that