Casey knew how to be a good cheerleader. She had been a Pop Warner cheerleader for five years, and she was about to walk onto the stage for the finals of the 8^th grade cheering tryouts. She was among ten finalists, which was to be narrowed down to eight cheerleaders.

Her turn came, and she walked onto the stage to perform the tryout routine. The first jump went well, and then a terrifying thought came into her mind: “I don’t belong here! What if I make this team? I’ll be forever inferior to these cool, beautiful, rich girls.” Right in that instant – which she still remembers poignantly – she stopped trying, and as she fumbled through the rest of the routine, she set the stage for her next 25 years.

This is a true story, and Casey, now in her fifties, still looks back on that moment on the stage as a turning point that affected her life in every way. “I can’t help but wonder how different my life might have been if I hadn’t allowed my low self-esteem to take over, as I did in that moment.”

For Casey, the sense of not belonging, of not measuring up, of simply not being good-enough, haunted her for years. Naturally shy, many of her peers misunderstood her withdrawal, thinking she was stuck-up. High school was not fun; she ate lunch alone, wandered the hallways alone. Her sense of self was infected with a deep and intense self loathing.

What is it about self-esteem? What kind of actions can one take to increase their self-esteem? What does it really mean, and why is it so important?

These are important questions for parents to ask. And know that this is not a cut and dried issue; one’s self esteem can vary over time and in different circumstances. It is a core element of our experiences; indeed our self-esteem influences how we act, and how we act influences our self-esteem. Let’s take a deeper look.

According to Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, “Self esteem is the ability to cope with the basic challenges of life and to feel worthy of happiness.” The two key components of self-esteem, competence and self-respect overlap and interact with one another.

Some adults make the mistake of thinking they are building this attribute with exuberant award-giving and empty accolades. These efforts don’t build self esteem because self-esteem is not an external quality. It is internally based; it’s having confidence in your ability to think and cope with life’s challenges; it’s feeling worthy of success and deserving of happiness; it’s believing we’re entitled to express our needs and wants.

What does high self-esteem and low self-esteem look like? Like shyness, behavior that is impacted by low self-esteem can be misleading. Defensive behavior, fearing new and unfamiliar things, feeling angry, settling for less, an unwillingness to set goals, being unreasonable or blind to reality; these are often expressions of low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are able to adapt to changes, recognize and correct mistakes, express themselves, be helpful to others, seek worthwhile goals and have the energy to cope with challenges.

Nathaniel Brandon identifies the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. They are:

• The practice of living consciously
• The practice of self-acceptance
• The practice of self-responsibility
• The practice of self-assertiveness
• The practice of living purposefully
• The practice of personal integrity

Here’s an example of each pillar: Living consciously means facing fear and pain as signals to look more closely, rather than look away.

Self acceptance means being willing to experience what you feel and think, and to accept responsibility for your actions rather than justifying them.

Self-responsibility indicates accepting responsibility for your choices and how you spend your time.

Self-assertiveness means you will stand up for your beliefs and think for yourself.

Those who live purposefully focus on goals and living productively.

Personal integrity means your behavior matches your values and beliefs.

Parents can help teens develop their sense of self-esteem. The two primary ways are through modeling and support.

Here are some ways:

• Adults need to model the behavior that demonstrates our willingness to look at challenges and address them, rather than avoid them.
• Adults need to accept responsibility for our actions, and encourage and reward the teen who does the same thing.
• When kids invest time in activities that take them off track, natural consequences will often teach them a lesson. Encourage kids to take responsibility for their choices, and gently help them see alternative choices that they can make that will move them closer to their goals.
• Encourage and support teens’ ability to stand up for their beliefs. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can recognize and applaud their efforts to express themselves.
• The goals that matter most are your teen’s goals for him/her self, not your goals for your teen. Support goal setting, and help your teen have personal choices in the matter.
• Point out the stress and discomfort you see when people don’t match their behavior to their values. Help teens see how important this is.
• Give kids responsibility; encourage, reward and recognize them when they live up to their responsibilities.

Middle school kids in particular, often associate their social status and their material possessions with power and esteem. Wise parents will know that popularity and material things are not what drive this essential quality, self-esteem. In fact, the girl who surrounds herself with the “in crowd” and the “right” clothes may in fact be covering up for low self-esteem. The boastful and “cool” ninth grade boy may be the most insecure of all.

Parents can support their kids the most by helping them develop competencies and skills, understanding that self esteem is internally based and must be built brick by brick through experience and interactions. It is through the feeling of competence that kids develop confidence in their ability to cope with life’s challenges, and believe that they are worthy of happiness.

It often doesn’t even matter in what areas one develops competencies, because feeling confident and competent in one area will generate the drive to explore new areas. This is why many a high school guidance counselor will advise parents not to punish a child who is achieving poor grades by removing him from a favorite sports activity. In fact, the success that is obtained from participating in an extra-curricular activity can drive success in academics. Success in one area can spill over into another.

Casey’s trial Casey no longer suffers from poor self-confidence, and she attributes her development to taking a risk – and surviving it. She was in her thirties when she decided to move away from the area in which she was raised. On her own, she took a job in a distant state. Her ability to first survive, and then thrive, was dramatic growth for her. She discovered her resilience, and was thrilled to discover new abilities. As she successfully pushed out beyond her comfort zone and mastered new challenges, she liked the feeling of success. This promoted a desire to grow and develop more, and shed the old limiting beliefs. She is a different person today, and wishes she had made these discoveries years earlier.

Our self-esteem impacts our choices. Casey learned something just a year ago that has caused her to again ponder how her life could have been different had positive self-esteem allowed different choices. Her Dad, now in his late seventies, shared a story she had not previously heard. Upon returning from World War II he was given an opportunity to attend the University of Chicago on a full scholarship. He had been a whiz at decoding during the war, and the army saw a great deal of potential in him. But he had not graduated from high school, and he was intimidated at the prospect of going to college, especially such a prestigious university. He turned down this tremendous opportunity – he didn’t have the courage to face it. One wonders what other paths his life could have taken, had he had the confidence in his abilities, and the self-respect to believe he was worthy of such an opportunity.

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