“How was your day?” you ask your teenage son as he saunters in the door, stopping momentarily while passing through the kitchen. “Fine,” he says, as he grabs a snack and heads for his room. That’s the beginning and the end of the conversation. You’re left feeling unsatisfied, uninformed and frustrated, wondering how the Spanish test went, if his new gym sneakers were comfortable, and if he received the forgotten English assignment you had dropped off at the school office. “Why won’t he talk to me when he comes home?” you ask.

The problem lies in the question. It is so easy to ask this question of our teenagers as they come in the door after a long day. But this question, while effective with adults, is rarely a conversation-opener with teenagers. There are some kids who are happy to chatter away and share the details, but with teenagers that’s pretty rare.

For one thing, teens are interested in preserving their privacy. They don’t wish to bring their parents in on the details of their school life, and to expect them to do that is to set yourself up for disappointment.

Don’t give up, though. It’s extremely important to be tuned in to what is happening in their life at school. Appropriate parental involvement includes this knowledge. So, if our teens won’t keep parents clued-in to what is happening, how are we supposed to find out?
Barbara Meltz, parenting columnist, offered some excellent advice for parents in a piece for The Boston Globe. She advises us to be mindful of three issues: timing, tone and topic.

Timing: Many kids need time to separate from their school-day experiences, to process them before speaking about them. Allowing your teenager this time to reflect and unwind may make a difference in the quality of the conversation. Later in the day, in the car, over dinner, or at bedtime, you are more likely to find your teen willing to review some events, thoughts, or details.

Tone: It’s too easy for parental questions to be loaded with judgment, and parents may not even be aware of it. “How was the Spanish test?” is a reasonable question, but if your child has learned over time that his answer sets him up for criticism he’ll avoid answering at all cost. How do you respond when he shares “It was really hard”? Instead of saying “Well, rather than watching tv last night you should have studied harder,” you might try “I had to work really hard in Spanish, too.” Because it feels like we must teach them important lessons, eliminating that part of your message can be hard for parents, but kids are ultra-sensitive to hearing it as judgment, even if none is actually intended. Tune in to your child’s response to your comments, and you’ll gain sensitivity to what is working in your conversational approach, and what seems to shut the dialogue down. She may be feeling a lack of confidence, or guilty even, about her performance, and if you want her to talk with you about it you’ll be more apt to be successful if she senses you are going to support her and not criticize her. This trust builds over time.

Topic: Focusing your conversation on topics that reflect her interests may be a more effective way to get her talking than to go directly to the subject you want to address. Try a more circuitous approach, if necessary, to establish dialogue and rapport, before approaching the discussion about that English paper. Remember, too, that asking too many questions can be a real turn-off to kids. Try using more open-ended comments that can elicit responses. “I’ll bet your new band director has a great way with kids.”

Communication with teenagers can be confusing and even feel contradictory at times. Parents have a job to do, and to do it well you must be informed, tuned-in, and engaged. Attend school functions, games and events with your teenager at his school. Gather information, carefully and appropriately, as you watch your teenager interact with her peers, and in various settings. This will serve as a good basis to know her level of maturity, and where your conversations should go. Your teenagers do want you in their life, and they want you to be informed about their life – even if they don’t act that way at times.

Getting beyond “How was your day?” requires parents to think creatively, to become comfortable with indirect communication, and to speak and listen with sensitivity and care.( And for a light-hearted approach, you might want to consider using our unique Conversation Cards: Go Ask Your Teenager!)

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