Introverts experience the world very differently than extroverts - and they even process information differently in their brains, according to an article in USA Today. Extroverts gain their energy from being with people, while introverts prefer to be reflective, thinking, contemplating. New research indicates that actual brain activity varies between the two groups, as well.

Parenting teenagers of the opposite type than yourself can bring up some challenging family dynamics; the most important way parents can combat this is to gain information and an understanding about temperament as it is a tool that you can use in a very positive way. Family dynamics that have been puzzling can be explained by different temperaments; communication and understanding can be improved when you put strategies in place that take temperament into account.

The extrovert/introvert dimension is just one of the various ways temperament is expressed and evaluated, there are several others. Where to get more information? Link to this article (There’s Power in Understanding Temperament) and you’ll find several online links to web resources.

In addition, Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride devotes an entire chapter - along with a simple 20 question instrument - to the topic. Many parents have expressed their enthusiasm for this concrete tool, and one mom gushed: “I now have a new level of understanding about some of our family dynamics that have puzzled me for a long time! In some very basic ways my son and I are complete opposites – and I never saw that before.”

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“How was your day?” you ask your teenage son as he saunters in the door, stopping momentarily while passing through the kitchen. “Fine,” he says, as he grabs a snack and heads for his room. That’s the beginning and the end of the conversation. You’re left feeling unsatisfied, uninformed and frustrated, wondering how the Spanish test went, if his new gym sneakers were comfortable, and if he received the forgotten English assignment you had dropped off at the school office. “Why won’t he talk to me when he comes home?” you ask.

The problem lies in the question. It is so easy to ask this question of our teenagers as they come in the door after a long day. But this question, while effective with adults, is rarely a conversation-opener with teenagers. There are some kids who are happy to chatter away and share the details, but with teenagers that’s pretty rare.

For one thing, teens are interested in preserving their privacy. They don’t wish to bring their parents in on the details of their school life, and to expect them to do that is to set yourself up for disappointment.

Don’t give up, though. It’s extremely important to be tuned in to what is happening in their life at school. Appropriate parental involvement includes this knowledge. So, if our teens won’t keep parents clued-in to what is happening, how are we supposed to find out?
Barbara Meltz, parenting columnist, offered some excellent advice for parents in a piece for The Boston Globe. She advises us to be mindful of three issues: timing, tone and topic.

Timing: Many kids need time to separate from their school-day experiences, to process them before speaking about them. Allowing your teenager this time to reflect and unwind may make a difference in the quality of the conversation. Later in the day, in the car, over dinner, or at bedtime, you are more likely to find your teen willing to review some events, thoughts, or details.

Tone: It’s too easy for parental questions to be loaded with judgment, and parents may not even be aware of it. “How was the Spanish test?” is a reasonable question, but if your child has learned over time that his answer sets him up for criticism he’ll avoid answering at all cost. How do you respond when he shares “It was really hard”? Instead of saying “Well, rather than watching tv last night you should have studied harder,” you might try “I had to work really hard in Spanish, too.” Because it feels like we must teach them important lessons, eliminating that part of your message can be hard for parents, but kids are ultra-sensitive to hearing it as judgment, even if none is actually intended. Tune in to your child’s response to your comments, and you’ll gain sensitivity to what is working in your conversational approach, and what seems to shut the dialogue down. She may be feeling a lack of confidence, or guilty even, about her performance, and if you want her to talk with you about it you’ll be more apt to be successful if she senses you are going to support her and not criticize her. This trust builds over time.

Topic: Focusing your conversation on topics that reflect her interests may be a more effective way to get her talking than to go directly to the subject you want to address. Try a more circuitous approach, if necessary, to establish dialogue and rapport, before approaching the discussion about that English paper. Remember, too, that asking too many questions can be a real turn-off to kids. Try using more open-ended comments that can elicit responses. “I’ll bet your new band director has a great way with kids.”

Communication with teenagers can be confusing and even feel contradictory at times. Parents have a job to do, and to do it well you must be informed, tuned-in, and engaged. Attend school functions, games and events with your teenager at his school. Gather information, carefully and appropriately, as you watch your teenager interact with her peers, and in various settings. This will serve as a good basis to know her level of maturity, and where your conversations should go. Your teenagers do want you in their life, and they want you to be informed about their life – even if they don’t act that way at times.

Getting beyond “How was your day?” requires parents to think creatively, to become comfortable with indirect communication, and to speak and listen with sensitivity and care.( And for a light-hearted approach, you might want to consider using our unique Conversation Cards: Go Ask Your Teenager!)

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Casey knew how to be a good cheerleader. She had been a Pop Warner cheerleader for five years, and she was about to walk onto the stage for the finals of the 8^th grade cheering tryouts. She was among ten finalists, which was to be narrowed down to eight cheerleaders.

Her turn came, and she walked onto the stage to perform the tryout routine. The first jump went well, and then a terrifying thought came into her mind: “I don’t belong here! What if I make this team? I’ll be forever inferior to these cool, beautiful, rich girls.” Right in that instant – which she still remembers poignantly – she stopped trying, and as she fumbled through the rest of the routine, she set the stage for her next 25 years.

This is a true story, and Casey, now in her fifties, still looks back on that moment on the stage as a turning point that affected her life in every way. “I can’t help but wonder how different my life might have been if I hadn’t allowed my low self-esteem to take over, as I did in that moment.”

For Casey, the sense of not belonging, of not measuring up, of simply not being good-enough, haunted her for years. Naturally shy, many of her peers misunderstood her withdrawal, thinking she was stuck-up. High school was not fun; she ate lunch alone, wandered the hallways alone. Her sense of self was infected with a deep and intense self loathing.

What is it about self-esteem? What kind of actions can one take to increase their self-esteem? What does it really mean, and why is it so important?

These are important questions for parents to ask. And know that this is not a cut and dried issue; one’s self esteem can vary over time and in different circumstances. It is a core element of our experiences; indeed our self-esteem influences how we act, and how we act influences our self-esteem. Let’s take a deeper look.

According to Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, “Self esteem is the ability to cope with the basic challenges of life and to feel worthy of happiness.” The two key components of self-esteem, competence and self-respect overlap and interact with one another.

Some adults make the mistake of thinking they are building this attribute with exuberant award-giving and empty accolades. These efforts don’t build self esteem because self-esteem is not an external quality. It is internally based; it’s having confidence in your ability to think and cope with life’s challenges; it’s feeling worthy of success and deserving of happiness; it’s believing we’re entitled to express our needs and wants.

What does high self-esteem and low self-esteem look like? Like shyness, behavior that is impacted by low self-esteem can be misleading. Defensive behavior, fearing new and unfamiliar things, feeling angry, settling for less, an unwillingness to set goals, being unreasonable or blind to reality; these are often expressions of low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are able to adapt to changes, recognize and correct mistakes, express themselves, be helpful to others, seek worthwhile goals and have the energy to cope with challenges.

Nathaniel Brandon identifies the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. They are:

• The practice of living consciously
• The practice of self-acceptance
• The practice of self-responsibility
• The practice of self-assertiveness
• The practice of living purposefully
• The practice of personal integrity

Here’s an example of each pillar: Living consciously means facing fear and pain as signals to look more closely, rather than look away.

Self acceptance means being willing to experience what you feel and think, and to accept responsibility for your actions rather than justifying them.

Self-responsibility indicates accepting responsibility for your choices and how you spend your time.

Self-assertiveness means you will stand up for your beliefs and think for yourself.

Those who live purposefully focus on goals and living productively.

Personal integrity means your behavior matches your values and beliefs.

Parents can help teens develop their sense of self-esteem. The two primary ways are through modeling and support.

Here are some ways:

• Adults need to model the behavior that demonstrates our willingness to look at challenges and address them, rather than avoid them.
• Adults need to accept responsibility for our actions, and encourage and reward the teen who does the same thing.
• When kids invest time in activities that take them off track, natural consequences will often teach them a lesson. Encourage kids to take responsibility for their choices, and gently help them see alternative choices that they can make that will move them closer to their goals.
• Encourage and support teens’ ability to stand up for their beliefs. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can recognize and applaud their efforts to express themselves.
• The goals that matter most are your teen’s goals for him/her self, not your goals for your teen. Support goal setting, and help your teen have personal choices in the matter.
• Point out the stress and discomfort you see when people don’t match their behavior to their values. Help teens see how important this is.
• Give kids responsibility; encourage, reward and recognize them when they live up to their responsibilities.

Middle school kids in particular, often associate their social status and their material possessions with power and esteem. Wise parents will know that popularity and material things are not what drive this essential quality, self-esteem. In fact, the girl who surrounds herself with the “in crowd” and the “right” clothes may in fact be covering up for low self-esteem. The boastful and “cool” ninth grade boy may be the most insecure of all.

Parents can support their kids the most by helping them develop competencies and skills, understanding that self esteem is internally based and must be built brick by brick through experience and interactions. It is through the feeling of competence that kids develop confidence in their ability to cope with life’s challenges, and believe that they are worthy of happiness.

It often doesn’t even matter in what areas one develops competencies, because feeling confident and competent in one area will generate the drive to explore new areas. This is why many a high school guidance counselor will advise parents not to punish a child who is achieving poor grades by removing him from a favorite sports activity. In fact, the success that is obtained from participating in an extra-curricular activity can drive success in academics. Success in one area can spill over into another.

Casey’s trial Casey no longer suffers from poor self-confidence, and she attributes her development to taking a risk – and surviving it. She was in her thirties when she decided to move away from the area in which she was raised. On her own, she took a job in a distant state. Her ability to first survive, and then thrive, was dramatic growth for her. She discovered her resilience, and was thrilled to discover new abilities. As she successfully pushed out beyond her comfort zone and mastered new challenges, she liked the feeling of success. This promoted a desire to grow and develop more, and shed the old limiting beliefs. She is a different person today, and wishes she had made these discoveries years earlier.

Our self-esteem impacts our choices. Casey learned something just a year ago that has caused her to again ponder how her life could have been different had positive self-esteem allowed different choices. Her Dad, now in his late seventies, shared a story she had not previously heard. Upon returning from World War II he was given an opportunity to attend the University of Chicago on a full scholarship. He had been a whiz at decoding during the war, and the army saw a great deal of potential in him. But he had not graduated from high school, and he was intimidated at the prospect of going to college, especially such a prestigious university. He turned down this tremendous opportunity – he didn’t have the courage to face it. One wonders what other paths his life could have taken, had he had the confidence in his abilities, and the self-respect to believe he was worthy of such an opportunity.

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Can you think of a better way to handle this situation? An Oklahoma mother of a 14 year old daughter was tired of the daughter’s poor grades, poor attitude and lack of respect. So she made her daughter stand outside at a busy intersection holding a sign reading: “I don’t do my homework, and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future.Will Work for Food.” Incredible as it seems, the photo and story was picked up and distributed by the AP wire, so the public humiliation of Coretha Henderson is now extended nationally. Here’s the story:

Can you think of another way a parent in the same situation might handle things?  I’d like to hear your thoughts…comment below. (You’ll need to register first. If you need help doing that, click at “posting instructions” in the categories at the right.)

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