Parenting Middle School Students – A Delicate Balancing Act

Middle school is a time of major change for young teenagers, and the relationships they have with their parents change as well. Middle school educators have a unique vantage point and can offer parents useful insight about adolescence, parent-teen struggles and the role that schools can play.

Middle school principals observe that parents sometimes struggle to find an appropriate balance between giving their young teens the independence they yearn for, and staying appropriately involved in their lives. This can be a tricky balance for parents to negotiate, and a good middle school can provide some guidance.

Libby Moore, principal of the Marblehead Veterans Middle School in Marblehead, MA says “The biggest mistake I see parents of middle school students make is letting go too soon.” Although she appreciates that parents’ intention may be to positively support their child’s growing independence, Ms. Moore feels that “students in middle school need their parent’s participation more than at any other time in their school career.”

Noting that the middle school years are when many major developmental changes converge, this principal feels that kids cannot properly manage these changes without parental, or adult, support. “The physical changes they go through are obvious, add on the dynamics of the kids’ social interactions, the fact that students now have six or seven teachers whom they work to satisfy, plus new demands requiring good organizational skills… I don’t think middle school students can manage all this without parental support.”

But providing support without overdoing it can be tricky. Another point of view helps to illustrate how delicate this balancing act can be for parents. Adam Fels is the principal at the Louisville Middle School in Louisville, CO, and he observes that parents struggle when their kids face a problem. The parental struggle is around finding the appropriate level of involvement. “Parents wonder ‘Should I go into school and solve my child’s problem for him, should I help him resolve it from home, or should I stay out of it completely?’”. Not knowing what to do can cause parents angst, and fear…they can be fearful about making the wrong choice, fearful about scarring their child.

Noting that this is a difficult time for parents, these middle schools have developed programs to assist parents to find the right balance, and to partner with them in educating their young teens. While not teaching parenting skills, they do offer programs and discussion groups that help parents gain a perspective about the issues they face in raising teens.

Recognizing that it’s not unusual for kids to be pushing their parents away at this age, the schools find appropriate ways for parents to be involved. In Marblehead, they encourage parents to participate by chaperoning dances and class trips, even if kids say they don’t really want their parents there. “This is an important chance for parents to learn to know their child’s friends, and to meet other parents in the community,” say Libby Moore. “These connections will become even more important to these parents when the kids are in high school, so we create opportunities for parental involvement that kids can be comfortable with.”

“Parent Partnership” is, in fact, a stated objective and is front and center in everything the Marblehead school does from daily school-parent communication via assignment notebooks, to the weekly coffees offered in their vibrant Parent Center. The coffees are attended by the principal and other staff members and create opportunities for informal discussion, and to develop these important relationships.

Parent partnership comes into play when problem solving, too. Both schools emphasize the importance of parents and educators working together. They have created a structure for problem solving that makes parents part of the process, while not depriving students their part. “Attitude is important,” says Ms. Moore. “It’s helpful if the parents come with the attitude of “What has happened here and how can we work together to fix it? This type of attitude will be easy to achieve with parents with whom we have a relationship, and when they know we truly value and want their partnership.”

Adam Fels works closely with parents, too, at his Colorado middle school and has developed specific programming to assist them. As the parent of a middle school child himself, he offers some sensitive insight to parents in noting that “parents need to know that sometimes not getting involved is the best course of action.” Parents who are on a rollercoaster of emotions are feeling uncomfortable and are more likely to over-react, or to react in fear. “I want parents to know that being uncomfortable can be an okay place to be. Just because they are uncomfortable doesn’t mean they have to take action. Sometimes it’s best to ride it out and let the child resolve their issues.” This advice may require parents to spend some time learning a new way of parenting, but it can help parents find the balance they seek.

If these caring principals could increase parents’ knowledge in key areas, it would be in “giving them a crash course in adolescent development and helping them learn how to better communicate with teenagers,” says Libby Moore, noting that the more parents understand about adolescent development, the better equipped they are to enhance their relationships. Adam Fels would like “Parents to be more aware of their own personal beliefs and biases,” and he suggests rather than viewing parenting as an area in which they should be experts, Fels suggests parents view this as an ongoing learning opportunity. “We’ll intentionally pull kids out of their comfort zone,” he says, “because that’s when they learn. Parents, too, need to learn to be outside of their comfort zone at times…it’s where learning takes place.”