The facts are in: Kids who bully in middle school are five times more likely to have a criminal record by the time they are 25 years old.

Bullying does matter, and that statistic should help explain why. Bullying is behavior that deserves attention and intervention, and parents must understand that their behavior makes a difference.

What is bullying today? And why is everyone talking about it as though it’s new? Hasn’t it been going on for centuries? These are questions that many parents are asking, and Stan Davis, an expert on the topic, was willing to provide valuable input.

First, the definition: Bullying is a quest for power and status in a social environment. To put it another way, bullying takes place when those with a higher degree of power use that power to solidify it.

Bullying has taken place throughout history, and examples abound: racism, sexual discrimination, prohibiting women from the right to vote…in every time period in the history of man there are people with power who solidify it by holding others back. And, just as in the examples of racism and discrimination, it has taken changes in laws to disallow this behavior.

Unfortunately, bullying behavior is too commonly seen. We see it on the playground, but we also see it in adult interactions. We see it exhibited on reality TV. Parents and teachers find the messages are difficult to combat when we see bullies portrayed as funny, or we see people use social power over others to win.

The powerful don’t give up their power willingly; society must decide the values it will promote, and society makes and defends laws accordingly. We’ve seen fundamental changes in values in our lifetime as we’ve become a more diverse and tolerant culture. These examples help us put the topic of bullying in a larger, and more meaningful, context.  Today we are aware of the consequences of allowing this dangerous behavior, and our culture no longer wants to tolerate bullying. 

Although the horrific school shootings in recent years have been the catalyst for the anti-bullying movement, there are many important reasons to support this change of heart, and the reasons are visible in every school yard. 10% of kids will behave as bullies, and 10% of kids will be the target of bullies. The toll bullying takes on the targets is akin to the toll suffered by victims of domestic violence… it can last a lifetime.

“Coaching the targets of bullying is not the answer,” says Stan Davis. “We have to change the system, rather than the target.” You see, a victim doesn’t have the power to stop the bully, so our only recourse is to change the system around it. This makes sense, when you consider our earlier examples such as racism and gender discrimination. In order to change the system, adults must play a key role. To make changes, playground behaviors previously tolerated are no longer allowed. This requires adults to clearly articulate expectations, and adults need to be consistent when applying consequences when transgressions do occur.

Davis says targets need protection and supervision; coaching or advice won’t help. We shouldn’t ask targets if they want to “press charges;” the adults must develop the system in such a way that consequences are applied automatically. Teaching victims how to defend themselves is not addressing the causal behavior; it’s the bullying behavior that must be addressed and forbidden.

Parents’ behavior plays an important role in preventing bullying. Parents don’t have to model bullying for their kids to be bullies; so the connection between parental behavior and bullying may not be obvious at first. Parents who are loving, and who spend positive time with their kids, help them develop into balanced individuals who are less likely to exhibit problem behavior. Kids who develop their sense of responsibility, and empathy, grow in healthy ways. They do this when they have lasting, positive relationships with adults.

Additionally, parents need to know that it is in homes where discipline is inconsistent that kids are more likely to learn to use power through bullying. Davis cites Dr. Dan Olweus’ research, which states that the two most important ways parents can help their children develop well – and not develop bullying behavior - is to spend time with them, and to apply discipline and limits consistently and fairly.

The media often portrays bullies in television, in reality shows, or in dramas where the bully wins the power. As is always the case, parents’ voices should be there to counteract the messages kids receive from such potentially powerful media.

Bullying today may or may not be different than it was when today’s adults were growing up, but certainly our culture has changed. We now can document the serious long term consequences of this behavior, and will no longer tolerate it. But it will take vigilance from all of us to make these cultural changes last over time.

Eleanor Roosevelt offers context for us all: “Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college she attends; the factory, farm, or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerted citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.”

You can visit Stan Davis’ website at www.StopBullyingNow.com

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