The relationship between parents and their teenager’s school counselor can be a microcosm of the parent’s relationship with the school as a whole. For some parents, the counselor is a person with whom they develop an important relationship, while other parents never even meet their teen’s school counselor. We’ll examine what this relationship will look like when it is most advantageous for your teenager.

Dr. Joachim Pengel instructs school counselors at the University of Hartford in Connecticut. He also runs a private practice in family counseling, so he works with both counselors and parents. I recently spoke to Dr. Pengel about the relationship between parents and school counselors to explore how the two groups can work together to support the development of teenagers.

Sue Blaney: What does appropriate parent involvement look like at the middle school and high school levels?

Dr Pengel: Parents should collaborate with the school to support and strengthen the basic skills of the students. This is particularly important as kids transition from middle school into high school, because this is often when kids are put onto a particular track depending on post-high school plans. Obviously, this involves some very important decisions, and parents must collaborate with the school in this process, otherwise the school will make a de facto decision.

Parents need to model and teach their family values, so parent input about the appropriate track for their teen is important.  And, parents must help their teens understand the importance of their education. I like to say that “learning is earning.” Learning is directly connected to the career and income opportunities each teen will have. So, you see, decisions made at the transition time from 8^th to 9^th grade are really important. Honestly, I’m not sure that parents or school boards really understand the critical nature of this transition.

Sue Blaney: What prevents parents from finding the appropriate level of involvement?

Dr. Pengel: We can view parent involvement along a continuum, with parents high in involvement at one end, and parents low in involvement at the other. Unfortunately, I see a strong correlation with the high involvement parents coming from a higher socio-economic environment than those at the low end. But extremes at both ends are problematic.

At the low end, poorer parents are less likely to “get” the important connection between learning and earning. They are less likely, then, to share this value with their kids. They are also less likely to feel empowered enough to stand their ground with the college educated people who are interacting with their child at school. And yet, they still must play a critical role in sharing and teaching their values, and in ensuring their child’s best interests are met. Parents must learn to join in a coalition with the teachers and school support personnel to help their kids learn that personal discipline is essential to learning, and to teens’ ultimate success.

Schools need to reach out to disenfranchised parents. School personnel should create incentives to get parents into the schools so they can participate in this coalition. When parents don’t participate, it limits the school’s flexibility and hurts the kids. And if parents are unsure that their input is valuable, schools need to work with them on this. Parents need a degree of confidence and self-efficacy themselves. I tell counselors to meet parents where they are.

At the other end of the spectrum, I see well-off parents micro-managing their kids, which is just another variation on dis-functionality. Schools are trying to help kids learn discipline and responsibility, and to link learning to self-efficacy. Parents who undermine this by micromanaging their kids are not only undermining their kids’ development, they are setting up an adversarial role with the school. These parents can be extremely difficult to reason with. And some parents think that as long as Johnny goes to Harvard the problem is solved. That just isn’t the way it works.

Clearly, the best way for parents is to be in the middle ground between the two extremes.

Sue Blaney: What do parents need to be able to better support their teens?

Dr. Pengel: Too often parents are missing a reasonable understanding of the developmental process that their kids are experiencing. One way this is evident is that parents sometimes don’t encourage the type of self-exploration that kids need to experience as a part of growing and maturing. You see, adolescence is extended today in our culture and this has consequences that parents are often not aware of. Parents ought to be encouraging their kids to do more self- exploration, and actually this exploration would help kids take more responsibility for their choices.

Sue Blaney: What’s the worst mistake a parent can make?

Dr. Pengel: For me, the worst thing a parent can do is to convey to the child that the parent is going to make all the decisions. Parents who disregard their teen’s will and desire undermine their child’s sense of competence. That is counter to all that they should be trying to achieve;  it’s definitely counter to what the school is trying to achieve.

Sue Blaney: What are the best ways parents can support their teens in school?

Dr. Pengel: By being educated about how the schools are actively trying to assist their child. Kids need to develop in three areas: they need to develop emotional intelligence, combine it with academic achievement, and career direction…all three elements are an essential part of the whole.

Schools must take the leadership role in building trust with the parents. It is ideal when parents are emotionally secure so they get on board with the process in an objective and constructive manner. If schools don’t build the trust, and if the schools aren’t doing a good job of communicating with parents, it’s the kids who suffer.

Sue Blaney: What role can school counselors play in helping parents do their job well?

Dr. Pengel: School counselors have the daunting task of educating both children and their parents. Counselors and school personnel need to help parents understand the efforts they are making to help kids discover who they are by helping them merge skills, interests and values.

It’s really an essential partnership between parents and schools, and all parties have to invest time and energy in it to benefit the kids.

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