Middle school is a time of major change for young teenagers, and the relationships they have with their parents change as well. Middle school educators have a unique vantage point and can offer parents useful insight about adolescence, parent-teen struggles and the role that schools can play.

Middle school principals observe that parents sometimes struggle to find an appropriate balance between giving their young teens the independence they yearn for, and staying appropriately involved in their lives. This can be a tricky balance for parents to negotiate, and a good middle school can provide some guidance.

Libby Moore, principal of the Marblehead Veterans Middle School in Marblehead, MA says “The biggest mistake I see parents of middle school students make is letting go too soon.” Although she appreciates that parents’ intention may be to positively support their child’s growing independence, Ms. Moore feels that “students in middle school need their parent’s participation more than at any other time in their school career.”

Noting that the middle school years are when many major developmental changes converge, this principal feels that kids cannot properly manage these changes without parental, or adult, support. “The physical changes they go through are obvious, add on the dynamics of the kids’ social interactions, the fact that students now have six or seven teachers whom they work to satisfy, plus new demands requiring good organizational skills… I don’t think middle school students can manage all this without parental support.”

But providing support without overdoing it can be tricky. Another point of view helps to illustrate how delicate this balancing act can be for parents. Adam Fels is the principal at the Louisville Middle School in Louisville, CO, and he observes that parents struggle when their kids face a problem. The parental struggle is around finding the appropriate level of involvement. “Parents wonder ‘Should I go into school and solve my child’s problem for him, should I help him resolve it from home, or should I stay out of it completely?’”. Not knowing what to do can cause parents angst, and fear…they can be fearful about making the wrong choice, fearful about scarring their child.

Noting that this is a difficult time for parents, these middle schools have developed programs to assist parents to find the right balance, and to partner with them in educating their young teens. While not teaching parenting skills, they do offer programs and discussion groups that help parents gain a perspective about the issues they face in raising teens.

Recognizing that it’s not unusual for kids to be pushing their parents away at this age, the schools find appropriate ways for parents to be involved. In Marblehead, they encourage parents to participate by chaperoning dances and class trips, even if kids say they don’t really want their parents there. “This is an important chance for parents to learn to know their child’s friends, and to meet other parents in the community,” say Libby Moore. “These connections will become even more important to these parents when the kids are in high school, so we create opportunities for parental involvement that kids can be comfortable with.”

“Parent Partnership” is, in fact, a stated objective and is front and center in everything the Marblehead school does from daily school-parent communication via assignment notebooks, to the weekly coffees offered in their vibrant Parent Center. The coffees are attended by the principal and other staff members and create opportunities for informal discussion, and to develop these important relationships.

Parent partnership comes into play when problem solving, too. Both schools emphasize the importance of parents and educators working together. They have created a structure for problem solving that makes parents part of the process, while not depriving students their part. “Attitude is important,” says Ms. Moore. “It’s helpful if the parents come with the attitude of “What has happened here and how can we work together to fix it? This type of attitude will be easy to achieve with parents with whom we have a relationship, and when they know we truly value and want their partnership.”

Adam Fels works closely with parents, too, at his Colorado middle school and has developed specific programming to assist them. As the parent of a middle school child himself, he offers some sensitive insight to parents in noting that “parents need to know that sometimes not getting involved is the best course of action.” Parents who are on a rollercoaster of emotions are feeling uncomfortable and are more likely to over-react, or to react in fear. “I want parents to know that being uncomfortable can be an okay place to be. Just because they are uncomfortable doesn’t mean they have to take action. Sometimes it’s best to ride it out and let the child resolve their issues.” This advice may require parents to spend some time learning a new way of parenting, but it can help parents find the balance they seek.

If these caring principals could increase parents’ knowledge in key areas, it would be in “giving them a crash course in adolescent development and helping them learn how to better communicate with teenagers,” says Libby Moore, noting that the more parents understand about adolescent development, the better equipped they are to enhance their relationships. Adam Fels would like “Parents to be more aware of their own personal beliefs and biases,” and he suggests rather than viewing parenting as an area in which they should be experts, Fels suggests parents view this as an ongoing learning opportunity. “We’ll intentionally pull kids out of their comfort zone,” he says, “because that’s when they learn. Parents, too, need to learn to be outside of their comfort zone at times…it’s where learning takes place.”

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The facts are in: Kids who bully in middle school are five times more likely to have a criminal record by the time they are 25 years old.

Bullying does matter, and that statistic should help explain why. Bullying is behavior that deserves attention and intervention, and parents must understand that their behavior makes a difference.

What is bullying today? And why is everyone talking about it as though it’s new? Hasn’t it been going on for centuries? These are questions that many parents are asking, and Stan Davis, an expert on the topic, was willing to provide valuable input.

First, the definition: Bullying is a quest for power and status in a social environment. To put it another way, bullying takes place when those with a higher degree of power use that power to solidify it.

Bullying has taken place throughout history, and examples abound: racism, sexual discrimination, prohibiting women from the right to vote…in every time period in the history of man there are people with power who solidify it by holding others back. And, just as in the examples of racism and discrimination, it has taken changes in laws to disallow this behavior.

Unfortunately, bullying behavior is too commonly seen. We see it on the playground, but we also see it in adult interactions. We see it exhibited on reality TV. Parents and teachers find the messages are difficult to combat when we see bullies portrayed as funny, or we see people use social power over others to win.

The powerful don’t give up their power willingly; society must decide the values it will promote, and society makes and defends laws accordingly. We’ve seen fundamental changes in values in our lifetime as we’ve become a more diverse and tolerant culture. These examples help us put the topic of bullying in a larger, and more meaningful, context.  Today we are aware of the consequences of allowing this dangerous behavior, and our culture no longer wants to tolerate bullying. 

Although the horrific school shootings in recent years have been the catalyst for the anti-bullying movement, there are many important reasons to support this change of heart, and the reasons are visible in every school yard. 10% of kids will behave as bullies, and 10% of kids will be the target of bullies. The toll bullying takes on the targets is akin to the toll suffered by victims of domestic violence… it can last a lifetime.

“Coaching the targets of bullying is not the answer,” says Stan Davis. “We have to change the system, rather than the target.” You see, a victim doesn’t have the power to stop the bully, so our only recourse is to change the system around it. This makes sense, when you consider our earlier examples such as racism and gender discrimination. In order to change the system, adults must play a key role. To make changes, playground behaviors previously tolerated are no longer allowed. This requires adults to clearly articulate expectations, and adults need to be consistent when applying consequences when transgressions do occur.

Davis says targets need protection and supervision; coaching or advice won’t help. We shouldn’t ask targets if they want to “press charges;” the adults must develop the system in such a way that consequences are applied automatically. Teaching victims how to defend themselves is not addressing the causal behavior; it’s the bullying behavior that must be addressed and forbidden.

Parents’ behavior plays an important role in preventing bullying. Parents don’t have to model bullying for their kids to be bullies; so the connection between parental behavior and bullying may not be obvious at first. Parents who are loving, and who spend positive time with their kids, help them develop into balanced individuals who are less likely to exhibit problem behavior. Kids who develop their sense of responsibility, and empathy, grow in healthy ways. They do this when they have lasting, positive relationships with adults.

Additionally, parents need to know that it is in homes where discipline is inconsistent that kids are more likely to learn to use power through bullying. Davis cites Dr. Dan Olweus’ research, which states that the two most important ways parents can help their children develop well – and not develop bullying behavior - is to spend time with them, and to apply discipline and limits consistently and fairly.

The media often portrays bullies in television, in reality shows, or in dramas where the bully wins the power. As is always the case, parents’ voices should be there to counteract the messages kids receive from such potentially powerful media.

Bullying today may or may not be different than it was when today’s adults were growing up, but certainly our culture has changed. We now can document the serious long term consequences of this behavior, and will no longer tolerate it. But it will take vigilance from all of us to make these cultural changes last over time.

Eleanor Roosevelt offers context for us all: “Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college she attends; the factory, farm, or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerted citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.”

You can visit Stan Davis’ website at www.StopBullyingNow.com

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The relationship between parents and their teenager’s school counselor can be a microcosm of the parent’s relationship with the school as a whole. For some parents, the counselor is a person with whom they develop an important relationship, while other parents never even meet their teen’s school counselor. We’ll examine what this relationship will look like when it is most advantageous for your teenager.

Dr. Joachim Pengel instructs school counselors at the University of Hartford in Connecticut. He also runs a private practice in family counseling, so he works with both counselors and parents. I recently spoke to Dr. Pengel about the relationship between parents and school counselors to explore how the two groups can work together to support the development of teenagers.

Sue Blaney: What does appropriate parent involvement look like at the middle school and high school levels?

Dr Pengel: Parents should collaborate with the school to support and strengthen the basic skills of the students. This is particularly important as kids transition from middle school into high school, because this is often when kids are put onto a particular track depending on post-high school plans. Obviously, this involves some very important decisions, and parents must collaborate with the school in this process, otherwise the school will make a de facto decision.

Parents need to model and teach their family values, so parent input about the appropriate track for their teen is important.  And, parents must help their teens understand the importance of their education. I like to say that “learning is earning.” Learning is directly connected to the career and income opportunities each teen will have. So, you see, decisions made at the transition time from 8^th to 9^th grade are really important. Honestly, I’m not sure that parents or school boards really understand the critical nature of this transition.

Sue Blaney: What prevents parents from finding the appropriate level of involvement?

Dr. Pengel: We can view parent involvement along a continuum, with parents high in involvement at one end, and parents low in involvement at the other. Unfortunately, I see a strong correlation with the high involvement parents coming from a higher socio-economic environment than those at the low end. But extremes at both ends are problematic.

At the low end, poorer parents are less likely to “get” the important connection between learning and earning. They are less likely, then, to share this value with their kids. They are also less likely to feel empowered enough to stand their ground with the college educated people who are interacting with their child at school. And yet, they still must play a critical role in sharing and teaching their values, and in ensuring their child’s best interests are met. Parents must learn to join in a coalition with the teachers and school support personnel to help their kids learn that personal discipline is essential to learning, and to teens’ ultimate success.

Schools need to reach out to disenfranchised parents. School personnel should create incentives to get parents into the schools so they can participate in this coalition. When parents don’t participate, it limits the school’s flexibility and hurts the kids. And if parents are unsure that their input is valuable, schools need to work with them on this. Parents need a degree of confidence and self-efficacy themselves. I tell counselors to meet parents where they are.

At the other end of the spectrum, I see well-off parents micro-managing their kids, which is just another variation on dis-functionality. Schools are trying to help kids learn discipline and responsibility, and to link learning to self-efficacy. Parents who undermine this by micromanaging their kids are not only undermining their kids’ development, they are setting up an adversarial role with the school. These parents can be extremely difficult to reason with. And some parents think that as long as Johnny goes to Harvard the problem is solved. That just isn’t the way it works.

Clearly, the best way for parents is to be in the middle ground between the two extremes.

Sue Blaney: What do parents need to be able to better support their teens?

Dr. Pengel: Too often parents are missing a reasonable understanding of the developmental process that their kids are experiencing. One way this is evident is that parents sometimes don’t encourage the type of self-exploration that kids need to experience as a part of growing and maturing. You see, adolescence is extended today in our culture and this has consequences that parents are often not aware of. Parents ought to be encouraging their kids to do more self- exploration, and actually this exploration would help kids take more responsibility for their choices.

Sue Blaney: What’s the worst mistake a parent can make?

Dr. Pengel: For me, the worst thing a parent can do is to convey to the child that the parent is going to make all the decisions. Parents who disregard their teen’s will and desire undermine their child’s sense of competence. That is counter to all that they should be trying to achieve;  it’s definitely counter to what the school is trying to achieve.

Sue Blaney: What are the best ways parents can support their teens in school?

Dr. Pengel: By being educated about how the schools are actively trying to assist their child. Kids need to develop in three areas: they need to develop emotional intelligence, combine it with academic achievement, and career direction…all three elements are an essential part of the whole.

Schools must take the leadership role in building trust with the parents. It is ideal when parents are emotionally secure so they get on board with the process in an objective and constructive manner. If schools don’t build the trust, and if the schools aren’t doing a good job of communicating with parents, it’s the kids who suffer.

Sue Blaney: What role can school counselors play in helping parents do their job well?

Dr. Pengel: School counselors have the daunting task of educating both children and their parents. Counselors and school personnel need to help parents understand the efforts they are making to help kids discover who they are by helping them merge skills, interests and values.

It’s really an essential partnership between parents and schools, and all parties have to invest time and energy in it to benefit the kids.

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