Where does happiness in life come from? And why is this relevant in the context of parenting teenagers?
When most parents reflect honestly on what it is they wish for their children, it usually boils down to a wish that their children will have a happy life. Parents often wish for their children to enjoy success, good health, a loving family life and a fulfilling career; “happiness” is the essence of our wishes.
“What constitutes a happy life?” then, is an apropos question, and examining what parents can do for our children to help them grow up to be happy is important, indeed.
Edward M. Hallowell has written a fascinating book on this topic titled The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness; Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy. Dr. Hallowell is a child psychiatrist, an instructor at the Harvard Medical School, and the founder of the Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health. I recently sat down with Dr. Hallowell to discuss his theory and how it applies to parents of teenagers.
Parents know that we play an essential role in helping children grow up to be happy, and yet we sometimes find ourselves battling with our teenagers over issues about control, academic performance, or developing responsibility. How do we balance these issues? How can parents provide what kids need to grow up happy?
Hallowell identifies some interesting points that pertain to parents of teenagers:
- One world authority in child development interviewed by Hallowell replied to the question of “What are the childhood roots of adult happiness?” by saying he could more easily say what the roots of unhappiness are: “Parents who expect more than a child can deliver; parents who set up goals and standards the child can never meet.”
- The principal of a secondary school replied to the same question by saying an important way in which his school prepares young people for happiness is “We teach students how to fail.” He claims that learning to deal with defeat is an essential lesson that is highly relevant to the ability to feel happy in life.
Hallowell emphasizes this point:
- There is absolutely no correlation between good grades in school, high SAT scores, attendance at prestigious schools, and happiness in adult life.
Feeling confused? Let’s take a look at Hallowell’s model for finding happiness and then we’ll help sort out the implications for parents of teenagers.
The Five Step Model
Dr. Hallowell’s model to create and sustain a life of happiness has five steps, all of which are inter-connected, and which create a circular model.
Connection – a basic need for all childhood happiness is unconditional love from an adult, usually from one or both parents. Through this a child develops a sense of security and safety which helps to instill courage and the desire to take risks.
Play – play builds imagination, teaches problem solving skills and cooperation; helps one to develop the ability to tolerate frustration and the ability to fail. Play incorporates daydreams, generates joy; and it is through play humans can enjoy the state of “flow,” an essential component to happiness in life.
Practice – learning how to perform an activity teaches us about building a skill. Whether it is playing cards, skateboarding, playing guitar, writing poetry, or performing chemistry experiments, we begin at a level of ineptitude, and tolerate frustration while we gradually learn our skill. With practice, we learn discipline, we learn how to receive help from others, and we gain mastery.
Mastery – In achieving mastery we experience the joyful feeling of “I can do it!” The resulting rise in self-esteem comes not from the praise, but from mastery. With mastery comes confidence, leadership skills, initiative and an enduring desire to work hard.
Recognition – Each act of mastery leads to recognition and approval from an outside circle of people; as one’s abilities grow the circle of people sharing approval widens. When young people feel recognition they feel a greater sense of connectedness, leading to a desire to achieve more - which leads back to step one in the circle, the feeling of connection.
Connection – the most important factor
Connection is the single most important step in Hallowell’s five step process. It is from the sense of connection that all other elements can emerge. Connection is correlated with academic achievement, and it also correlates with a decreased involvement with risky behavior in adolescents.
Parents will find it important to note that the two factors that most protect kids from negative outcomes are a sense of connection at home and a sense of connection at school. Both protect against violent behavior, use of cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana, suicidal thoughts and early sexual intercourse. The single most important element leading to happiness is connection. Parents should always focus on staying connected to their teenagers.
Success in school and happiness
While schools and parents focus on academic performance, Hallowell claims our current emphasis has become “dangerously unbalanced.” We are overemphasizing measurable achievements, while underemphasizing the things that count: “resourcefulness, optimism, ‘people skills,’ a can-do attitude, creativity, and the many forms of connectedness such as friendship, family, community, spirituality, love of nature, team play, and so forth.*” The research about happiness consistently shows that it is not outwardly defined “success” that leads to happiness; rather it is “inner qualities such as optimism, extroversion, a feeling of control over one’s life, and self-esteem, that lead to happiness in adult life.*”
So how do parents provide direction for their teenagers in their educational pursuits? Parents should have high, but realistic, expectations of their children; in fact Hallowell calls it “dangerous” not to encourage high achievement. While high achievement and happiness are not always correlated, neither are they mutually exclusive. The key is this: parents must be certain not to tie your love to your child’s meeting your expectations. To emphasize your teen’s focus on achievement to the exclusion of play and joyful pursuits, is to turn childhood into a “grim, zero-sum game.”
Hallowell’s advice for parents of teenagers
“Parents of teens sometimes make it harder on themselves than it needs to be by becoming isolated”, Hallowell observes. He believes it’s highly important for parents to stay connected with one another. He notices that parents of teens often think that things are going sour when their teenager begins to withdraw and pull back from them. However, he reassures parents of teenagers that this is perfectly normal behavior for teens; parents need to understand this and not over react.
Hallowell’s top three pieces of advice for parents of teenagers are:
- Never worry alone – find people to discuss your issues with – friends, family members, or professionals.
- Don’t look for a magical answer –. There isn’t a “magical” answer that will help you parent your teenagers; stick to the fundamentals and trust your instincts.
- Focus on connection – stay connected with your kids. When in doubt, or when all else fails, if you can stay connected to your teenager you’ll find a way to make things work out for the best.
I encourage you to read his wonderful book, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness; Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy. There is a lot there that is highly relevant for parents of teenagers. Dr. Hallowell’s newest book is a beautifully illustrated children’s book titled A Walk in the Rain with a Brain.
*p 21 The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness; Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy Edward M. Hallowell
