Dads and daughters…it conjures up a combination of the warmest, most special emotions and feelings of sweetness and love. “Daddy’s little girl”; often the relationship is so special moms are quite happy to take a back seat and simply observe it with pleasure.

Then comes adolescence. Many dad’s wonder “what happened?” as they feel the relationship shift in some fundamental ways. Not knowing what to do they often retreat, feeling safer in the back seat, no longer sure of the relationship or what they did that precipitated the attitude change.

Joe Kelly, the author of Dad’s and Daughters was generous to sit down with me to discuss this just for our readers. He offers perspective on the father – daughter dynamic, and insight that can benefit parents of both genders.

Q: What makes the father-daughter relationship unique?

A: It’s unique because it’s cross-gender. This is so obvious many dads haven’t really thought about it: the biggest hurdle we face as the father of daughters is that every one of us grew up a boy. We don’t know what it’s like to be a girl! For some dads, that generates fear about what might happen to our daughters. But in fact, we can be a great asset to our daughters by helping them understand boys. We can do this by telling them stories about us when we were growing up. We can help ease their anxieties by giving them insight into the world of boys.

Q: Many times fathers say things like “I won’t let my daughter date until she’s 35!” How do messages like this attitude “ease anxieties”?

A: I encourage dads like this to really think about their adolescence. When they examine it more closely they usually can get in touch with a more accurate picture of what it was like, and therein lies the valuable message. For teenage boys, life isn’t all about sex…there is uncertainty and confusion about girls, mystery and excitement about falling in love, moments of embarrassment, moments of real courage – these are important, and poignant memories that can help your daughters. I like to tell dads to share your memories, tell your stories, because it will give your daughters valuable insight into the world of boys and relationships. This is perspective nobody else can share quite the way a dad can. One dad said “I’m a spy into the world of boys for my daughter.”

Being in touch with these stories also helps girls’ dads be more open to befriending the boys in her life and to not feel threatened by them. There is an opportunity for relationships to develop that can be valued and special on both sides, and fathers can foster this.

Q: It sounds wonderful, and natural, but do we really see many dads opening up this way?

A: That we don’t is a sad result of a very deep gender bias that exists in our society. We raise boys to be emotionally illiterate which cripples them when it comes to parenting. Men have significant cultural barriers that can inhibit them from developing into great parents – which has impact no matter the gender of their child. Fathers must apply conscious effort to be effective as parents – and to experience the real fruits of this wonderful relationship. It requires us to be emotionally available.

Q: How can dads become “emotionally available”?

A: What our daughters need, more than anything, is for us to shut up and LISTEN. We need to take them seriously – what they are feeling and saying, to see them as people. If we don’t do that they feel invalidated. Too many times dads want to “fix” problems. That is often a male way of thinking. And if our daughter is in pain, “fixing” things may seem like a reasonable thing to want to do. But that can work against what we’re trying to achieve – which is to build trust and openness in the relationship and to support her and help her grow. If I’m trying to fix her problem it may be because I’m uncomfortable that she is in pain. I need to identify what is my discomfort and find other ways to work that out. She will feel valued if she develops her voice, her solution and works out her discomfort in her own way. I can listen, I can validate her feelings, I can support her, but I shouldn’t “solve” her problem unless, of course, she is requesting my assistance.

I’ve learned, in situations when my daughters are upset, to ask them what they want from me. “Do you want me to just listen? Or are you asking for my advice?” Their reply usually surprises me – if I’d guess I’d usually be wrong. This shift from solving their problem to giving them validation, respecting their individuality and their voice, requires deliberate and intentional effort on the part of most men. It requires us to be emotionally available and sensitive to the emotions around us, again, something we’ve not been taught in our culture. The biggest gift we can give our daughter is the opportunity to develop her voice and her confidence in herself.

Learn more about Joe Kelly and Dads & Daughters,a national advocacy nonprofit at www.dadsanddaughters.org.

Bookmark this: