What is your first inclination when your teenager asks permission to do something? Most parents are naturally inclined toward “yes” or a “no” even before they hear the entire question. You may not be aware of this inclination…but notice yourself over the next several days and you’re likely to see what I mean.

There’s my friend Jonathan. He’s a nice guy; he and his wife have been family friends for 20 years. He’s always seen things in a “black and white” sort of way – you know the type. He means well, but he has some “control freak” tendencies. When his kids were little he was always the parent to step in and stop the fun. The kids were making a little too much noise, or laughing a bit too hard so he would get suspicious that they were doing something wrong. Even other adults would see this tendency, at times, and would help the kids have fun behind Uncle Jonathan’s back. It seemed to all of us that his role in life is to say “no”. Frankly, we all wish he’d lighten up.

Now, I’m the opposite. My kids may not agree, but really, I’m a big softie. My first response tends to be “yes.” I want to say yes. I’m so uncomfortable with conflict I try hard to avoid it. But this is no better than what Jonathan does. I must temper this tendency in order to do a good job as a parent. It isn’t always the most important thing that my teenagers like me – rather I must remind myself that it’s my job to keep them safe. That means asking the tough questions, being willing to do some hard negotiation, and to say “NO” at times!

Being a parent means that adult behavior is required of us…and it isn’t always easy to go against our natural tendencies.

There is so much about parenting that is about us – the parents. It requires us to look in the mirror. Our attitudes, preconceived notions, memories from our youth, the way we were parented, the issues we still deal with…this is what we bring to the table and it deeply affects our conversations, our ability to understand, listen, negotiate, and be fair with our own children.

In Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis, Laurence Steinberg explores this in detail. As most parents of teens are in mid-life, we must recognize that this can be an emotionally charged time - indeed for some, a time for that famous mid-life “crisis.” Whether or not you find yourself feeling that it’s a crisis, it is a good time to look in the mirror and do some work on yourself. And if you don’t get there on your own, the issues that get raised during your kids’ adolescence will likely force you to do that.

Carolyn Moore Newberger has created a model that illustrates four different levels of parenting; “Level Four” parenting appreciates that parents are not only responsive to their developing child, but that parents continue to develop and grow over the course of the relationship, too. The more tuned in we are to this growth, the more we are able to be responsive to our teenagers. I believe a parent’s ability to grow while parenting teenagers is a key to success.

Are you a “yes” parent, or a “no” parent? Why is that? How flexible are you in changing your response? Do you listen well? Are you willing to make the tough calls and the unpopular decisions? Are you fair in your dealings with your teenager? Would s/he agree with your assessment of that? Ask her/him. Be open to what you can learn about yourself from the discussion.

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