Complaints about the stress in our lives is not constrained to the adult population; more and more we hear about the problems teenagers have trying to manage stress. Many parents find themselves searching for ways they can help their kids deal with the stress, not wanting to pass along this unfortunate, yet common, malaise.

In seeking professional input to this important topic area, I interviewed Deborah Weinstock-Savoy, Ph.D., a psychologist trained in working with children and families, specializing in parenting education.

Sue Blaney: What are the primary sources of stress for teenagers?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: The ups and downs of peer relationships will be right near the top of list. When kids have a sense of belonging, they have a buffer to help them deal with stress. Without that sense of belonging, they confront loneliness, which adds more stress. The other areas at the top of the list include managing their life at school and all that entails. Additionally, and this is a bit more abstract but also very important, teens are developing their identity – and this too, creates stress. They are confronting important questions as they explore their similarity, and differences, to their parents and their friends.

SB: The developmental part of teens’ experiences – are parents tuned in to this?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: It is easy for parents to forget about this identity exploration this part in the day-to-day busyness, because it’s less obvious. But once reminded about it, parents really can identify with it. It helps parents to remember this because it helps them to take the daily struggles with their teens a little less personally.

SB: What can parents do to help their teens deal with stress?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: There are two major areas of intervention that parents can focus on. The basic nurturing that parents offer in providing a loving and comfortable home is the first line of defense. Making home a place where kids can re-charge their batteries, feel safe and supported; this is very important. Parents need to make sure their teenagers are eating well, getting enough sleep, and it’s extremely important that teenagers get the message that their parents are there for them.

The second type of intervention has to do with engaging the teen’s own sense of what he/she needs. This can be explored together through conversation by asking kids what they think will help the situation. Kids often have ideas about this, and engaging them in the problem solving is important and beneficial. Additionally, and this brings out yet another level of intervention, parents should help teens develop their own sense of self-awareness. In becoming more self-aware, teenagers begin to see strategies emerge and develop that will help them deal with stress. These strategies will be important to them throughout their lives. Parents can assist kids in becoming more self-aware through some sympathetic coaching as they help their kids deal with peer issues or academic issues.

SB: How do parents know how much they should get involved in helping their teenager solve a problem?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: This can be tricky, and it is likely to be a bit different for each child and each parent. Obviously, the younger the child is, the more parents will be directly involved in problem solving. As teens get older, parents must encourage and empower them to do more of the solution-finding themselves, with parents simply providing behind-the-scenes support.

However, many parents I see tell me their kids won’t share what is going on in their lives, let alone accept some coaching from their parents, so let’s be realistic about this.

SB: You seem to be in touch with the sense of rejection that some parents feel.

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: You bet. Parents need to accept the fact that sometimes their kids won’t allow them to share their wisdom with them. Sometimes parents need to accept on faith that their kids really do know that they are there for them. And, by the way, parents should not try to do this all alone; they should try to extend the network of support – both for their child’s sake and for their own. Parents need to identify for themselves who else is out there, who else will help provide advice, help keep their teens safe, and offer support. They should ask their teenager: “Suppose you did have a situation and you didn’t want to come to me first; who would you go to?” Parents can, and should, intentionally extend the mantle of protection.

SB: What are some of the warning signs that parents should be aware of?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: This can be difficult, even for professionals, because it is, naturally, such a tumultuous time. Parents need to compare their child’s behavior to that same child’s typical behavior… because it’s the significance of the changes that matters the most. Examine the severity of the behavioral changes – how much of the child’s life is being affected? Are the changes affecting just home life, or school as well? Is it affecting extra-curricular activities? Relationships with friends? How long has this been going on and how extreme is this behavioral change? The answers to these questions should provide some guidelines for parents in knowing whether they should seek professional help.

SB: What else do parents need to watch out for in regards to stress in teenagers?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: Sometimes, too often actually, parents inadvertently contribute to stress. Often parents have extremely high expectations of their children, and this can make things worse for kids. In wanting the best for our children, parents can get over-wrought about any individual decision. It’s easy to get caught up in thinking that one’s career is a linear path; but it’s not. For most people there is a bit of wandering around, experimenting; parents can benefit from having a longer vision and more flexibility. Parents need to remember that this is a time for exploration, and even for making mistakes, and that is often how people learn.

SB: That is a difficult balance for parents – that balance between giving kids more freedom and yet keeping them safe and productive.

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: Yes, there is a constant tension between encouraging and pushing inappropriately. Parents need to step back occasionally, separate our feelings from our kids’ feelings and ask ourselves “Is this working? Is this helpful to my teenager? Is it about us or about our child? What if we didn’t do it? What might be the consequences?” Parents can really benefit when they reflect back on their own adolescence and ask themselves what made them develop the way they are. This helps them understand more about their teens’ experiences and developmental journey.

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