What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research study reports that feeling “unprepared” tops the list for many parents’ causes of dissatisfaction. And parents of teenagers, in particular, may feel this acutely as so many changes converge at once: adolescents are changing in every conceivable way while they often push parents away in their search for individuality. That this often happens during parents’ own mid-life changes only adds to the poignancy of this period in a family’s life.

So how can parents prepare for this dynamic journey? Here are some tips.

1. Learn about adolescent development.
You probably read about babies before your first child was born. You had a pretty fair idea about developmental time frames – when he would see you in focus, when she would begin to crawl, etc. Adolescents are, in many ways, changing as dramatically as they were as small babies – and yet many parents don’t make the time to learn about what is happening developmentally to their teenager. Information and knowledge will shed light on this puzzle, and it will enhance your understanding and your ability to provide support.

Here’s an example: Teenagers may look like adults, but they are not. Their brains are still under development, which causes them to be more impulsive, more spontaneous and developmentally not ready to foresee the consequences of their actions. Knowing this - and knowing that developmentally they are not ready for certain levels of responsibility- can help you better manage your expectations and your relationship.

2. Put YOU into the equation.
The issues that really get intense for parents aren’t always about the teenager – sometimes, parental issues are at the heart of the situation, and adults need to be able to separate this out and view the situation objectively. Remember, you are changing and developing too, and redefining the nature of your relationship with your teenager can bring up issues for you. It is imperative that parents examine themselves, their behavior, objectives and beliefs in the context of their family dynamics.

It is too easy to be habitual in our responses to children. Yet, you can see the growth and changes that are occurring with your teenagers – they are changing in dramatic ways. It stands to reason, then, that parents need to examine the rules, roles and relationships to make sure they’re adjusting for all this change. That requires self-examination.

3. Talk to your peers.
Many parents find themselves feeling alone, and in their alone-ness they lose the ability to see the similarities in their experiences with those of other parents. There is so much you can gain by talking to other people in the same situation you are in. In sharing with others you gain additional perspective, and you are likely to see things in a new light. You may find others who have walked your road and who found other, or better, ways to address similar situations. Allow yourself to learn from them. Develop these friendships and make time to connect with them. Think of it as your own support network where “getting prepared” is one of the beneficial outcomes.

4. Find the humor.
Have you ever noticed how humor can make tension instantly melt away? Some parents just tend to take things too seriously. Consciously look for the humor in situations because it allows you to create an environment of lightness and an attitude where communication is likely to be enhanced. Used appropriately, humor is a tool and a friend.

5. Take care of yourself.
Sacrificing yourself to your children’s needs serves nobody – certainly not you, and it actually does a disservice to kids. They benefit from seeing parents as strong, fulfilled individuals who take good care of themselves, and you need nothing less if you are to thrive and grow.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, in his book Crossing Paths; How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis, says that the parents who thrive during their child’s adolescence have genuine and fulfilling interests outside of their parenting role. There is room for family life and career or other outside interests, and those who thrive are people who have both in balance.

6. Be open to learn from others.
Every day parents are given opportunities to prepare and to learn to be better as parents. Yet many times adults squander the opportunities put in front of us. It’s easy to criticize how others handle situations with their teenagers, but if instead, you ask the question “what would I do in that situation?” you can create opportunities to prepare yourself for what you may face. Parents of teenagers are likely to find themselves in situations that are unpredictable. Sometimes kids do crazy things. But if you get in the habit of promoting open-mindedness, and of asking questions and getting facts before you react, you will behave in ways that don’t embarrass you during a time of crisis. Parents can develop their own strategies by asking themselves “what would I do?”

7. Get involved in your child’s school life and social life.
Some parents pull away from their kids during adolescence. Granted, this may seem like what your teen is asking for, but it’s not. The character of your involvement may change during this time, but by all means stay connected in meaningful ways. One big way is to know your child’s friends. This not only brings pleasure into your life, but it allows you to know more about your child, and from a different perspective.

There’s a lot about this stage in a family’s life that can create pressure and challenges. Probably only a few escape without a scar or two. It is also a time that is ripe with opportunities for growth for parents - so don’t be left behind. There is opportunity for you to thrive as you grow, too.

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What is your first inclination when your teenager asks permission to do something? Most parents are naturally inclined toward “yes” or a “no” even before they hear the entire question. You may not be aware of this inclination…but notice yourself over the next several days and you’re likely to see what I mean.

There’s my friend Jonathan. He’s a nice guy; he and his wife have been family friends for 20 years. He’s always seen things in a “black and white” sort of way – you know the type. He means well, but he has some “control freak” tendencies. When his kids were little he was always the parent to step in and stop the fun. The kids were making a little too much noise, or laughing a bit too hard so he would get suspicious that they were doing something wrong. Even other adults would see this tendency, at times, and would help the kids have fun behind Uncle Jonathan’s back. It seemed to all of us that his role in life is to say “no”. Frankly, we all wish he’d lighten up.

Now, I’m the opposite. My kids may not agree, but really, I’m a big softie. My first response tends to be “yes.” I want to say yes. I’m so uncomfortable with conflict I try hard to avoid it. But this is no better than what Jonathan does. I must temper this tendency in order to do a good job as a parent. It isn’t always the most important thing that my teenagers like me – rather I must remind myself that it’s my job to keep them safe. That means asking the tough questions, being willing to do some hard negotiation, and to say “NO” at times!

Being a parent means that adult behavior is required of us…and it isn’t always easy to go against our natural tendencies.

There is so much about parenting that is about us – the parents. It requires us to look in the mirror. Our attitudes, preconceived notions, memories from our youth, the way we were parented, the issues we still deal with…this is what we bring to the table and it deeply affects our conversations, our ability to understand, listen, negotiate, and be fair with our own children.

In Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis, Laurence Steinberg explores this in detail. As most parents of teens are in mid-life, we must recognize that this can be an emotionally charged time - indeed for some, a time for that famous mid-life “crisis.” Whether or not you find yourself feeling that it’s a crisis, it is a good time to look in the mirror and do some work on yourself. And if you don’t get there on your own, the issues that get raised during your kids’ adolescence will likely force you to do that.

Carolyn Moore Newberger has created a model that illustrates four different levels of parenting; “Level Four” parenting appreciates that parents are not only responsive to their developing child, but that parents continue to develop and grow over the course of the relationship, too. The more tuned in we are to this growth, the more we are able to be responsive to our teenagers. I believe a parent’s ability to grow while parenting teenagers is a key to success.

Are you a “yes” parent, or a “no” parent? Why is that? How flexible are you in changing your response? Do you listen well? Are you willing to make the tough calls and the unpopular decisions? Are you fair in your dealings with your teenager? Would s/he agree with your assessment of that? Ask her/him. Be open to what you can learn about yourself from the discussion.

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Complaints about the stress in our lives is not constrained to the adult population; more and more we hear about the problems teenagers have trying to manage stress. Many parents find themselves searching for ways they can help their kids deal with the stress, not wanting to pass along this unfortunate, yet common, malaise.

In seeking professional input to this important topic area, I interviewed Deborah Weinstock-Savoy, Ph.D., a psychologist trained in working with children and families, specializing in parenting education.

Sue Blaney: What are the primary sources of stress for teenagers?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: The ups and downs of peer relationships will be right near the top of list. When kids have a sense of belonging, they have a buffer to help them deal with stress. Without that sense of belonging, they confront loneliness, which adds more stress. The other areas at the top of the list include managing their life at school and all that entails. Additionally, and this is a bit more abstract but also very important, teens are developing their identity – and this too, creates stress. They are confronting important questions as they explore their similarity, and differences, to their parents and their friends.

SB: The developmental part of teens’ experiences – are parents tuned in to this?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: It is easy for parents to forget about this identity exploration this part in the day-to-day busyness, because it’s less obvious. But once reminded about it, parents really can identify with it. It helps parents to remember this because it helps them to take the daily struggles with their teens a little less personally.

SB: What can parents do to help their teens deal with stress?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: There are two major areas of intervention that parents can focus on. The basic nurturing that parents offer in providing a loving and comfortable home is the first line of defense. Making home a place where kids can re-charge their batteries, feel safe and supported; this is very important. Parents need to make sure their teenagers are eating well, getting enough sleep, and it’s extremely important that teenagers get the message that their parents are there for them.

The second type of intervention has to do with engaging the teen’s own sense of what he/she needs. This can be explored together through conversation by asking kids what they think will help the situation. Kids often have ideas about this, and engaging them in the problem solving is important and beneficial. Additionally, and this brings out yet another level of intervention, parents should help teens develop their own sense of self-awareness. In becoming more self-aware, teenagers begin to see strategies emerge and develop that will help them deal with stress. These strategies will be important to them throughout their lives. Parents can assist kids in becoming more self-aware through some sympathetic coaching as they help their kids deal with peer issues or academic issues.

SB: How do parents know how much they should get involved in helping their teenager solve a problem?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: This can be tricky, and it is likely to be a bit different for each child and each parent. Obviously, the younger the child is, the more parents will be directly involved in problem solving. As teens get older, parents must encourage and empower them to do more of the solution-finding themselves, with parents simply providing behind-the-scenes support.

However, many parents I see tell me their kids won’t share what is going on in their lives, let alone accept some coaching from their parents, so let’s be realistic about this.

SB: You seem to be in touch with the sense of rejection that some parents feel.

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: You bet. Parents need to accept the fact that sometimes their kids won’t allow them to share their wisdom with them. Sometimes parents need to accept on faith that their kids really do know that they are there for them. And, by the way, parents should not try to do this all alone; they should try to extend the network of support – both for their child’s sake and for their own. Parents need to identify for themselves who else is out there, who else will help provide advice, help keep their teens safe, and offer support. They should ask their teenager: “Suppose you did have a situation and you didn’t want to come to me first; who would you go to?” Parents can, and should, intentionally extend the mantle of protection.

SB: What are some of the warning signs that parents should be aware of?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: This can be difficult, even for professionals, because it is, naturally, such a tumultuous time. Parents need to compare their child’s behavior to that same child’s typical behavior… because it’s the significance of the changes that matters the most. Examine the severity of the behavioral changes – how much of the child’s life is being affected? Are the changes affecting just home life, or school as well? Is it affecting extra-curricular activities? Relationships with friends? How long has this been going on and how extreme is this behavioral change? The answers to these questions should provide some guidelines for parents in knowing whether they should seek professional help.

SB: What else do parents need to watch out for in regards to stress in teenagers?

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: Sometimes, too often actually, parents inadvertently contribute to stress. Often parents have extremely high expectations of their children, and this can make things worse for kids. In wanting the best for our children, parents can get over-wrought about any individual decision. It’s easy to get caught up in thinking that one’s career is a linear path; but it’s not. For most people there is a bit of wandering around, experimenting; parents can benefit from having a longer vision and more flexibility. Parents need to remember that this is a time for exploration, and even for making mistakes, and that is often how people learn.

SB: That is a difficult balance for parents – that balance between giving kids more freedom and yet keeping them safe and productive.

Deborah Weinstock-Savoy: Yes, there is a constant tension between encouraging and pushing inappropriately. Parents need to step back occasionally, separate our feelings from our kids’ feelings and ask ourselves “Is this working? Is this helpful to my teenager? Is it about us or about our child? What if we didn’t do it? What might be the consequences?” Parents can really benefit when they reflect back on their own adolescence and ask themselves what made them develop the way they are. This helps them understand more about their teens’ experiences and developmental journey.

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