The “Ins and Outs” of Middle School Friendships

The social whirl of middle school can be baffling and intense for young teens, and the adults who care about them. Friendships, shifting alliances, and group behavior isn’t always kind to our children, and many a parent has wondered what to do. Let’s take a step back and examine what’s happening and why, so we can put this into context. Our children have, thus far, led lives with their family at the center. This is appropriate for young kids and families, and it gives children an important sense of security. But, think about the skills your child needs to have acquired by the time she graduates from high school: ultimately she needs to be able to thrive, and compete, in the world of her peers. In order to develop the necessary skills and mindset, early adolescence begins a natural shift toward a peer-oriented focus. It doesn’t mean that family becomes less important, but the context does begin to change. This is a shift that parents need to understand, and support.

Group behavior – the norm for many: Many kids, particularly in middle school, feel most comfortable in groups. And the groups can be rather exclusive. This provides a sense of security for the group members. What is fairly easy for parents to see, is that kids who are strongly attached to groups have transferred the security of their family to the security they feel in the group. Sometimes the walls are very high in these groups, and to those on the outside this can be difficult to watch and understand. Parents who understand this dynamic are in a good position to guide their kids, no matter what side of the “wall” they are on.

Here are 8 tips for parents to remember when your adolescent is having issues socially:

The social scene provides an opportunity to learn; help your child value friendships. Navigating the social scene is one area where your young teen is gaining important knowledge and experience. He is identifying the type of behavior he values, and the type of people he respects. He is learning what kind of friends he wants, and what kind of a friend he wants to be. These are important life lessons. Parents should be there for support, and should interject sense and morals into situations, reminding kids to treat others with respect and kindness. When in doubt, listen rather than act.

Help your young teenager explore different ways to handle problems. If your child needs your help in handling a problem with a friend, try to engage her in coming up with possible solutions rather than telling her what to do. Brainstorm, or role play various alternatives; helping your child feel empowered and able to handle situations will give her knowledge and experience she can apply in the future.

Be there to talk about friendships, but don’t push. If your teenager is going through some challenges socially, he may want to talk about it, but it will need to be on his own time. Often kids need some time before they discuss painful situations, otherwise you’re forcing him to re-live the pain while it’s too raw. Give your child time to get some emotional distance, and let him know you love and support him unconditionally.

Discuss desired outcomes and respectable behavior when helping sort out issues with peers. Your teenager is unlikely to respond well if you tell her what to do. Rather, discuss the value of various approaches and behavior that may achieve the result she wants; again, this teaches her how to approach problems in the future.

Expect new behavior that covers up insecurities. Often middle school aged kids express an exaggerated sense of confidence, one that is actually covering up for underlying insecurities. This can show up in a boy’s confident swagger, a girl’s hyper-critical attitude, or other such behaviors. Parents need to be aware that this is sometimes just a big cover-up. With this knowledge, parents can guide kids with more sensitivity. They may need to be reminded to behave with kindness and sensitivity to others. The best way for parents to guide this behavior is to model it!

Be sensitive to your teenager’s natural temperament. Temperament plays a very key role in how each of us responds to our environment. When coaching, watching, or even listening to your teenager’s issues about his social life, be mindful of his temperament. Extroverts get their energy from being around people; introverts value and need time alone. Your child may have a different temperament than you, and will have different social needs and values that result from her temperament. Be sensitive to this as you offer understanding and support.

Don’t over-do your involvement in your child’s social life; get used to taking a back seat. Kids learn through every interaction and friendship that they have. Parents who interfere too much may be preventing their child from learning important lessons. You should guide, but not direct this kind of learning. Monitor your own behavior and remember your teenager needs you to be a parent more than a friend. ‘

Make sure you are a positive role model. Kids who see their parents gossip or speak unkindly of others learn that this is acceptable behavior. Adults should model positive, supportive behavior that demonstrates not only the unselfish caring behavior that is a part of good friendships, but the effort that goes in to being a good friend. It’s best when parents take the long view, and remain mindful of the values they are trying to teach. Some of the ups and downs that are inevitable in the adolescent social scene will be more easily weathered if parents are behind the scenes offering a steady hand, a kind reminder, and a good example.