In my morning inspirational reading I reopened a favorite book The Art of Possibility by Ben and Roz Zander. In it, Ben Zander notes

“The drive to be successful and the fear of failure are, like the head and tail of a coin, inseparably linked. They goaded me on to unusual efforts and caused me, and those around me, considerable suffering. Of course, the surprising thing was that my increasing success did little to lessen the tension…. {Eventually} I settled on a game called I am a contribution. Unlike success and failure, ‘contribution’ has no other side. It is not arrived at by comparison. All at once I found that the fearful question, ‘Am I loved for who I am, or for what I have accomplished?’ could be replaced by the joyful question, ‘How will I be a contribution today?’

When we measure our success by external measurements – our accomplishment, awards, money, fame, material acquisitions – we are playing in a “measurement model.” A measurement model is usually based upon a sense of scarcity… “better get yours before someone else does.” Zander suggests this is not only unhealthy, it is unnecessary. By reframing our definition of success we open up a world of possibilities – and joy. Rather than live in a stress-inducing scarcity model, we can live in a “widespread array of abundance.”

Let’s consider the high-stress world our teenagers inhabit in the context of the Zanders’ philosophy.

There is an epidemic of stress disorders among our young people. According to a new study, five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who grew up during the Great Depression. Comments I hear from parents reflect this; like “My daughter is obsessed with doing everything perfectly. She doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate anything less than perfection, whether it’s grades, friends, her looks, or anything else. And yet she is fragile and on the edge.” “The competition to get into the college of his choice is so intense it is impacting his relationship with his friends because they are competing for the limited slots.” “My child isn’t in bed before 2am on a typical school night.” Parents know this is unhealthy and you ask: “What can I do?”

Maybe you need to redefine “success.”

Many mental health professionals, educators, parenting experts, and cultural observers note that today’s teens put a high value on the external and visible measures of success. It seems today’s teens have different values to some degree, and we wonder if these values are linked to this rise in anxiety. While a valid cause-and-effect relationship has not been proven, it must be considered. Professionals speculate that the sources of the increased stress come from “a popular culture that focuses on the external – wealth, looks, status” to “over-protective parents who have left their children with few real-world coping skills.” And the students? “Students themselves point to everything from pressure to succeed – self imposed and otherwise – to a fast paced world that’s only sped up by the technology they love so much.”

One 21 year old in the study is quoted:

“The unrealistic feelings that are ingrained in us from a young age – that we need to have massive amounts of money to be considered a success – not only lead us to a higher likelihood of feeling inadequate, anxious or depressed, but also make us think that the only value in getting an education is to make a lot of money…”

How do you frame and define “success?” The way you define success, the way you express goals and reward your teens are how you teach them values.

The Zanders raise a good point: How would your teenager’s experience be different if rather than focusing on achieving a certain gpa, accolade or reward, he were to consider how he could “be a contribution?” How would you communicate and teach this change in attitude? How would you provide rewards?

While parents tend to blame a materialistic culture and images and experiences that influence teens toward this externally based focus, we must take responsibility for being the primary teachers of values. While parents are worried about the high rates of anxiety and depression we must realize we may be part of the problem and we most certainly can be part of the solution.

How can you be a contribution to your teen’s well being today?

Last week the Kaiser Family Foundation released data that seemed to shock adults, stating that kids 8 – 18 spend more than 7 1/2 hours plugged in to entertainment media daily. It is interesting to consider this figure while looking at another report that polled parents on the role of technology in education, which puts a different perspective on this subject entirely. And it indicates that parents value technology and want their kids to engage with it in the classroom. [Should we dig in to the distinction between technology used for "entertainment" vs for educational purposes? I think not... it's the same technology and with everyone multi-tasking it seems a bit like splitting hairs. Well, maybe it's not "splitting hairs' if you are trying to get your son to complete his homework, but for this discussion it is!]

Learning in the 21st Century: Parents’ Perspectives, Parents’ Priorities, was released by Blackboard K-12 and Project Tomorrow in March 2009. Data was collected from more than 21,000 parents of K-12 students, 218,000 students and over 3100 administrators across a broad socio-economic spectrum. In this report, parents, educators and students make it very clear that more technology is better, and 80% of parents in this broad-based study think that students are not spending enough time using technology in education. Only one third of parents responding in the survey felt their child’s school was doing a good job of preparing students for the 21st century. They feel schools need to do a better job integrating technology throughout the learning environment. Complaints range from schools not placing the right emphasis on technology to unacceptable quality of hardware and software. Only one third of parents feel that teachers’ skills in using technology are acceptable.

How are your teens using technology in school? Have them show you what they are learning and how technology is playing a role in their education. Make sure you go to the open house at school and are aware of the way technology is being used at the school. It’s changing quickly and parents need to invest time to understand the value and implications of how your teen’s education is evolving with the times.

Mobile technology opens new doors: The study highlights rather different values and priorities between students and parents in regard to mobile devices. While there is some agreement that mobile technology devices (smart phones, PDAs and MP3 players etc.) can help a child’s education by improving communication, preparing students for the world of work and helping to increase student engagement, students place a much higher value on its utilization than parents. Students express a desire to be untethered from the classroom, wanting to be “free agent learners”, in control of their own education. They see mobile technology as bringing them the opportunity to get beyond the school walls, to engage in experiential, collaborative and participatory learning. Indeed, these are some of the big buzz words in education today, and this kind of learning is infinitely more possible now precisely because of mobile devices, applications and tools.

At this time parents typically use mobile devices less than their kids do, and the writers of the study expect that as parents’ use of such devices increase they will more fully see the potential of this technology as having a positive impact on students and learning. What may not be obvious to you now is likely to become more clear when you gain familiarity with what mobile devices can do for you. When you do, you can see new possibilities and understand better what your kids are experiencing.

If it makes you feel better, I too, am new with these devices. I took the plunge by getting an i-phone at Christmastime, and I’ll tell you honestly – I LOVE it! I’m amazed at the apps that are available to me – and many of them truly do make my life easier! And the only way I can really appreciate how communication and education are changing with these devices is to immerse myself. While it takes precious time, it’s time well spent – especially if you are raising teenagers.

*over 21,000 parents responded to this national survey

We are delighted to have been named a recipient of the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award for our audio program You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love. To have been named among the best in family-friendly media products and services is an honor, and validation of our commitment to truly meet the unique needs of parents of teenagers.

Audiobooks such as this one provide a unique way for parents to access valuable information. We recognize that parents are way too busy, and this audio program was designed for parents who don’t have time to sit and read a book. This program can be enjoyed in the car, at the gym or on the commuter train. Available on CD and as an MP3 download, the audio is complemented by a 28 page companion workbook which highlights key points and provides additional tips and information.

Here are comments from parents who recently enjoyed the program:

Here are other award-winning products receiving the prestigious “Moms Choice Award” in the “Family and Parenting Books” category Congratulations to all the winners!

You can better understand your teen, increase communication and improve your relationship today by downloading this action oriented 3-hour program. Available immediately via download, or order the CD set and accompanying workbook. More info about our award-winning audio program for parenting teenagers.

Even though parents are sometimes struggling to catch up with their kids’ use of technology, parents do value its use as a vital part of education. There is a PBS special titled Digital Nation coming up Tuesday, February 2 that will discuss parenting in the digital age, and will touch upon many of the topics I know parents are concerned about. The accompanying website Digital Workshops: Online Resources for Parents and Educators that takes the PBS special one step further with interactive surveys, resources and more. Renee Hobbs at Temple University’s Media Education Lab has once again developed an outstanding, informative and insightful resource for parents of teenagers.

Technology in education is one topic area that is a hot item for parents. If you are curious about its importance in your teen’s education, or unclear about how computers are used in the classroom, this video (from the PBS special) spells out the impact it has made in a middle school in a tough inner city neighborhood. The principal says “technology is like oxygen” to his students and by making it available he has turned his school around by almost every measure.

Be sure to watch the PBS special and view the resources at the website… it’s vitally important information for parenting kids in the digital age.

The media-saturated world that surrounds your kids has made an indelible impact on them… thing is, nobody is quite sure just what that impact is. Has technology caused damage to kids’ ability to focus, to interact, and to relax without outside stimulation? Or has our tech-driven culture expanded opportunities, creativity, and taught new skills in ways we should be heralding? Experts aren’t sure… it’s that simple. Because it’s complicated.

Earlier this week the Kaiser Family Foundation released the third wave of a large national study about young people’s media use. Every day I hear parents express concerns about their teen’s media use; it seems to be the “hot-button” issue for parents today. The video below lays the problem out in black and white terms.

It will take some time to sort through the implications of the findings in the study and to process the issues it raises. In the meantime, parents who read this blog, our Facebook page, and are otherwise involved in our work and community want to know what to do. One thing stands out to me for those kids who are over-consuming media: Set limits. Parents need to understand you have an important role to play, particularly if your teen is not involved in a balance and range of activities.

While, as stated at the beginning of this post we don’t know that this level of media consumption is inherently bad, the study does share two important points:

Here’s some more relevant data:

And – catch this – this study did NOT take into account the amount of time kids spend TEXTING!

There have been many interesting stories in the press over the past several days as we are all absorbing this information. It is easy to jump to premature conclusions because the figures are rather shocking. But there is another point of view: many kids are involved in media in ways that truly expand their creativity, skills and even connection with others. Ann Collier at NetFamily News offers intelligent commentary and makes several important points to consider including this:

Probably since the beginning of modern-day-style adolescence, parents have had to adjust to unnerving new kinds and uses of media, but today’s media shift is an order of magnitude different: Not only is it mobile, multimedia, multidirectional, user-produced, one-to-many, many-to-many, and many-to-one; it’s all mixed up with traditional, professionally produced media in the same “place” – the Internet, via proliferating devices – and it’s social and behavioral (see “Youth, adults & the social-media shift”). It’s asking a lot of us adults, so there’s a strange need for both patience (with ourselves and each other as we adjust) and urgency (to hurry up and adjust!). There’s also a need to be alert to mass-media biases in what we read about youth and social media and open to the positive as well as negative implications.

Here are links to some other notable articles about the report:
If Your Kids are Awake, They are Probably Online – NYTimes

Kids’ Electronic Media Use Jumps to 53 Hours Per Week – USA Today

Kaiser Family Foundation – here’s a link to the the Full Report

And let me leave you with a question to ponder: How much media do you consume on a daily basis? I’m going to measure myself over the next few days, and make note of how I use my time. I invite you to comment here or to join the discussion on our Facebook page.

*”Heavy” users are the 21% of young people who consume more than 16 hours of media a day;
**”Light” users are the 17% of young people who consume less than 3 hours of media a day.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/20/education/20wired.html NY times article

Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

And that’s the point.

You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

Let us know about your results!

“Girl power” isn’t just a topic for youngsters. Adult women, too, sometimes discover that finding one’s voice takes intention, effort, and spending time in the company of other women in whom you can find your reflection. I’ve had the privilege in the past two weeks to have been in the company of several groups of women with whom I find such opportunity for personal exploration and growth. These deeply satisfying conversations help us bring out our best; they give us a safe place to reflect, and to give voice to our struggles and questions; they help us grow.

I was enchanted when I received my “song of the month” from singer/songwriter Anna Huckabee Tull last week. Anna’s approach is unique; she writes custom-crafted songs for which she is commissioned. Always meaningful and deep, she touches a special cord with all who know her work. Her song this month tells a beautiful story about girls, and is the new anthem for a a non-profit in the Boston area called LEAP, an organization dedicated to helping at-risk girls “unlock their voices.” One LEAP girl notes the value of her expression by saying “What you don’t express seems less and less real until you become unsure if it even exists.”

Read about the backstory, how this song came to be, and enjoy.

http://www.customcraftedsongs.com/leapstorybehindthesong

The last month has been overwhelming as a mother; joyous, exciting and filled with emotion. My son made it; he graduated from college last month, an event and accomplishment that was hard-earned and filled with challenge. I admit there must have been some doubts that it was a day we would see, because the joy feels greater and more sustained than I would have expected. I want to say to everyone I see “You are looking at the mother of a college graduate!,” and I do say it probably more than I should. Some of my friends smile to themselves with a subtle smirk of “Why is this such a big deal? My kid – same age as yours – has been out for a couple of years.” But their response doesn’t dampen my joy or rain on my parade. He did it. And that is all that matters. The world has a new, excited, engaged and talented civil engineer, and he will go great places. As I reflect on our dynamic journey with this marvelous young man, I have learned a thing or two.

Believe in your intuition and be an advocate
The annual cleaning out of the file cabinet last week yielded a large file that looked ready for serious pruning. Upon closer inspection I saw it was my son’s file, with report cards back to junior high, and paper after paper telling a compelling story about our struggles. As I read through them I was overwhelmed by a wash of feelings as I was reminded of what we experienced… memories that make his current accomplishment even more sweet. Embodied in the large file of papers were records of our struggles… and they were our struggles, as there were times I had to be his voice… he wasn’t even aware of the problem. I was reminded of the special testing, the confusing results, the myriad conversations with school counselors, psychologists, and experts. Never a behavior problem, he was the polite kid who would fall between the cracks, underperforming but not being “bad” enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows but ours. His self-confidence suffered, but he was uncomfortable with attention and scrutiny, and it was difficult to diagnose the problem. Not only did it feel like I was fighting with and intruding upon him, I felt like I was fighting the system, and even his Dad who felt uncomfortable with psychologists and anything other than a message of “straighten up.” But my intuition told me there was more going on than was obvious… and I was right. It was an uphill battle over several years, but eventually the support that facilitated the success he was capable of came through, and the positive results began to emerge. Some learning disabilities are subtle, and difficult to diagnose.

There are times to step back and allow his journey to unfold
As I speak to parents of other boys, we so often marvel at how different their college experience is compared to our daughters. I don’t know if the statistics bear that out, but the personal journeys of many families I’ve spoken to do. The boys who wander their way through college – and make parents crazy with worry – are on a different path than those who know their mission and go straight for it. We had to swallow hard to deal with our emotions when he stepped off the college track on his way through, and yet it was his journey to live, and his lessons had to be learned. We couldn’t subvert that process. Just like we couldn’t take his classes or make his daily choices. Was it working at minimum wage jobs that told him the value of the college education? Or was it that he learned he was in the wrong major? Or was it he simply had to mature a bit? Maybe it was a combination of all three and more… but we had to let go of our schedule and needs which was, at times, very difficult. I confess to more than our share of sleepless nights despite the fact that we were 2000 miles away. And what about that? Was the distance part of the problem, or was it going to help him find his solution? There are so many unknowns as you travel this path.

Appreciate and celebrate who he is at his core
One thing we always did well was appreciate what makes him tick. We didn’t ask him to be someone other than who he is… and of course more of that unfolded along the way through his extended college years. He has a deep physical and psychological need to be outdoors, connected to it through physical exertion. He is happiest when he is screaming down the sides of mountains on skiis or a bike; this physical challenge is a need that is in his DNA. I’m sure when he’s 65 he will still be skiing in the back country, sleeping in snow caves and teaching safety in avalanche country. There were times when those gifts didn’t seem as important to us as the calculus quiz or thermodynamics grade, but in the big picture of his life they are probably far more important. And I’m happy we encouraged him to explore and develop these important parts of him.

His graduation party was at 10,000 feet; an outdoor tailgate party in the mountains of Colorado in December. 25 young people and six dogs celebrated his accomplishment; we ate and drank and skied all day. And we celebrated – in his language and in his world of joy – not only his achievement, but the magnificent person he is today.