It’s January 2 and I still haven’t come up with my new years resolutions this year. Have you? For me the delay is from a realization that I need a fresh approach on setting goals. 2009 requires a new paradigm, attitude and effort. So I’ve done some digging and research for both of us…Here are three different approaches for your consideration to help you get a fresh start on your 2009 goals.

First, let me refer you to a thoughtful list of parenting suggestions from Lisa Belken at her blog Motherlode at the NY Times. I rarely miss Lisa’s blog, and although she addresses issues about parenting young kids too, there are frequent pieces that relate to parenting teens. This list of 10 parenting resolutions looks, at first glance to be directed to parents of young kids (and she attributes it to Parents.com.) It’s neat how these activities apply to parenting teens, too… and they have a different feel when you look at it that way.

Secondly, as an online marketer, I also read numerous blogs about that. Chris Brogan’s blog stands out among many such online resources, and he suggests we choose three words as our new years resolution. I like this approach; it’s what is resonating with me this year.

Lastly, I really am big on setting goals, and I have written about it before. This more specific hands-on approach to setting your parenting goals (excerpted from my 2004 archive) may feel right to you…

Here are some questions to guide your process of self-examination; you might consider engaging your teenager in this discussion.

On teaching and learning:
What does my teenager need to learn from me this year?
How can I best approach this teaching?
How do I hold her back?
What should I do differently so he learns the lessons he most needs to learn?

On expressing unconditional love:
How often do I express my unconditional love for her?
How often do I criticize him? Do I ever criticize him unjustly?
What are two outstanding qualities my child has? Do I remind her of this frequently?
Do I apologize when it’s appropriate to do so?

On positive role modeling:
In what ways am I a good role model?
In what ways am I deficient in my role modeling?
What behavior do I need to change?

On letting her go:
Does he have an appropriate amount of freedom for his age?
Do I make sure that she will be safe before I say “yes?”
Who are the supportive adults in his life to whom he could go if he had a problem he didn’t want to address with me?

On friendship:
Does he treat his friends with respect and care?
How does she treat those she doesn’t consider to be close friends?
What do I need to teach her (and/or model for her) about friendship?

On dreams:
What does my daughter or son want most to achieve this year in school? In extra-curricular activities?
What does he want to be when he grows up?
What is his wildest hope or dream for what he wants to do someday?
Is he setting himself up to achieve his dreams?

On fun:
Do I take time to nurture my physical, emotional, and social needs?
Do we take time as a family to have fun together?
What is my favorite thing to do with my teenagers?
What is something we used to do when the kids were little that we enjoyed, and that we can do together again?

Do take the time to reflect and consider what you want 2009 to bring to you in terms of your relationship and activities with your teenagers. I hope one of these approaches feels right to you. Let us know which one resonates and why.

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If I knew then what I know now about raising teenagers, I would have had fewer sleepless nights. Instead of succumbing as I occasionally did to panic and fear, I would have known that this boat would right itself and the passengers, though wet, would be better for the ride.

What I know now is that I never really had much control, and that you would make your choices - right or wrong - we would all learn from them. My responses, which I thought were always chosen with best intentions, I realize now were sometimes the thinly disguised emotional reactions I was trying to avoid. While I intended to be part of the solution, there were times I was very clearly part of the problem.

And I forgive myself that.

What I know now is raising children is all a part of a grand scheme. While we focus our attention on helping our teenagers develop and learn and grow and listen and experience and consider and think…. we, the parents are doing all those things too. This is all about my growth and development, too. And I am a different – and better – person for having gone through this with you. And I am grateful that I have experienced this with my eyes – and my heart – and that I have usually been open and available for learning. For I have learned. You have taught me a lot.

What I know now is that you must make your mistakes. To deny you your opportunity to make mistakes is to deny you the richest soil from which the unique you will blossom. I had the privilege of planting you as a seedling in our family way back when. You had no choice about our home, our values, or our adult decisions for how our family functions and lives and loves. But your garden is, ultimately, yours, not mine to tend. In your teen years you grabbed the spade and the rake and the trowel and took charge …. I was left with only the watering can. I tried to sprinkle the right amount of water for your healthy growth; not too much, and not too little. But it’s up to you to pull the weeds, and to allow enough sunlight in to grow strong and to ultimately flower and show the world who you are.

What I know now is that you always were going to be great; I’m sorry I doubted that at times. It was from ignorance and fear that I had a brief moment when I wasn’t so sure I believed you could – or would – do it. When you failed I felt it reflected on me. It didn’t; and it did. I felt your pain, I shared your pain, and even though I know now it isn’t mine to bear, I still share your pain.

We are deeply connected, and always will be. Even when you are two thousand miles away from me, I can embrace your heart, and feel your closeness. Our connection transcends the limits of the physical world; of this I am certain.

As I have had the gift and privilege of raising you, I know that this has been and is the best part of my journey here on earth. Knowing you as an adult brings greater joy than I could have imagined. You made it. Through the thick and thin, through the testy meetings with teachers, through the tearful visits to the shrink, through the emergency-room runs and the wee-hours rants and raves.

The hugs smooth and soothe us; a sincere “I love you” completes every conversation now. And although there remain mountains to climb and tears to shed, I know you’ll make it. And so will I.

That’s what I know now. And I’m grateful for the journey.

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Each year from the time my kids were toddlers, my Mom would give my daughter an angel ornament, and my son a drummer boy. I honestly didn’t know how much my kids loved these until a year or two ago when we were decorating the Christmas tree. My daughter assembled all her angels - and there was quite a array of them - and told us excitedly how she already had the beginnings of her own Christmas tree decor. She’s a funny one; she already envisions her own home… she’s already picked out her colors, her dishes…and her own Christmas tree is a fully formed vision in her head.

Giving your teens their own special ornaments is something that can be fun for you and you are limited only by your imagination. Donna Silva sent me this note; her ideas for taking this to the next level are inspiring:

“I have purchased each of my boys (ages 16, 14 and 12)a Christmas ornament each year pertaining to something that they have accomplished during that year. By the time they are adults and are out on their own, they will have all their life story in Christmas ornaments to start their own traditions and share their memories with the special people in their lives. My 16-year-old has a license plate ornament that has the year, and the words “STEER CLEAR! Andy’s got his LP”. My middle son is Scrooge in a play this year (so his ornament goes without saying), and my youngest was in a junior police academy over the summer, so he has a policeman ornament with his name and year. It’s really fun to see their faces when they see the ornaments that I picked out for them for that year…oh yeah, I keep it a surprise from them till it’s time to hang it on the tree. It’s also nice for me, as a parent, to be able to think back on the year, and pick out something that I feel is important or an accomplishment for each one of them.”

ShopChristmasOnline.com is one easy online ordering center. Here you’ll find ornaments celebrating cell phones, braces, drivers licenses and much more.

Another approach to the ornament theme is to make handmade ornaments for your teens, or with your teens. My Mom used to make us a Temari Ball each year and these, too, are favorites on our tree. My mother has shared her presence with us for many years through her ornament gifts, and even though she is now too frail to join us for Christmas she is with us in spirit throughout the holidays.

Food for thought for more ways to connect with your teens during the holidays.
Enjoy!

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Do you find, like many of us, that our friends and peers come up with the best suggestions? As we are getting really close to school vacation and lots of holiday family-time, this is a good time to plan out some activities with your teenagers. I invite you to share your good ideas for holiday traditions, events, and outings that your teenagers enjoy with your family…so others can hear your good ideas. I have 7 copies of Chicken Soup for the Teenagers Soul from the Top 100 stories series to give away to the first 7 contributors with good ideas.

I’ll begin with a simple idea from the Blaneys. A few years ago when The Polar Express came out as a movie our family couldn’t wait to go see it. Of course that had been a favorite book each holiday season, going back to when my kids were very young, so even though my oldest was in college by this time, we all couldn’t wait to see the movie. And it has sparked an interest in seeing, as a family, a Christmas movie each year since. Even the movies that are targeted towards young children are fun, and being Christmastime it seems quite okay to get just as sentimental and hokey as we want. Between the movie and our dinner out, its special and satisfying time for our family.

What ideas do you have? You can leave them here on the blog or check out our page on Facebook. You can join the discussion right there on the discussion board and don’t forget to become a fan while you’re there. By the way, all these blog entries are posted on the Facebook page for those of you who find that an easier way to keep up with us.

Enjoy!

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Here’s a creative, low cost and effective way to combine SAT/ACT or GRE study prep with your holiday gift-giving. Verbalearn guides your student in studying for the verbal portion of their upcoming college entry exam. This innovative online system is actually FREE, and it offers customized study lists and review and even offers audio so your student can listen and learn on the go. And a sponsorship reward can make a unique gift-giving option for your student’s mastery of the vocabulary.

This program has caught the attention of Boston Public Schools who are, like many other schools, trying to find ways to improve test scores for all students. This free service is particularly attractive because it levels the playing field for all students, making SAT/ACT prep available for everyone.

It works like this:
Students identify the words they don’t know by taking short quizzes online, then each word answered incorrectly will appear on their studylist. This way students can focus just on the words they don’t know and not waste time. The Verbalearn system includes examples and word facts online and personalized studylists that students can view or listen to on their computer or download to an MP3 player. Additionally, they can review all their words from their own homepage when they need a brush-up. Verbalearn’s patent pending system offers user-friendly features not seen in study programs that cost way more than their FREE price!

Give a gift that motivates your student:
Verbalearn2Earn adds a unique twist…and here’s the gift idea: You can provide cash incentives to your student that are tied to his successful mastery of his list of words. You put a desired amount of money into a holding account for your student, and for each word she learns she earns back some of that money. She can access the money in increments of $10 which will come to her in the form of a pre-paid debit card called the Verbalearn Cash Card - it’s just like a pre-paid gift card. And, get this: if you put $40 in your student’s holding account, your student will earn back all of that $40 by successfully learning all of the words in the course. How’s that for incentive?!

Verbalearn just launched their website this month; whether you elect to try it completely free, or reward your student’s efforts with the cash card, this service is unique and valuable. I suggest you check it out.

Please note: I receive no compensation from the vendors I select for this gift-giving series.

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This is a powerful gift that can help set intentions, change behavior and support an at-risk adolescent girl at the same time.

New Leaf Touchstone, recently launched by Cindy Loughran, Certified Professional Coach and Change Agent, offers beautiful, hand-made bracelets that are intended as reminders to “turn over a new leaf.”

(The bracelet shown is just one of many colors and versions.)

All of Cindy’s clients have one thing in common: they are all trying to make changes to better their lives. Cindy frequently suggests to her clients that they create visual cues to help them remember to make the behavioral changes that will get them the results they want. Then she had a brainstorm…to create lovely bracelets that serve as visual and tactile reminders to act on their intentions. During those times when emotions are high and they are apt to use old, ineffective responses, their bracelet grounds them and reminds them to choose new responses.

This is where it gets interesting and unique: When you get your bracelet, you need to create a link between the bracelet and your intention/goal. Here’s what Cindy says to do:

“You’ll need to “charge” your bracelet to give it its power. Sit quietly for a moment and imagine yourself successfully using your new behavior or new way of being. Visualize where you are, who you are with, what is happening and how you are feeling. As you get a clear picture, touch one of the stones or rub the leaf. Continue to hold that vision of your most effective self for a minute or two…Now you are ready. As “life happens” and you begin to notice triggers to old behaviors, touch the bracelet and you’ll be able to proceed, using the responses you choose - rather than those that choose you.”

Now- picture this: Is your relationship with your daughter all you want it to be? Is it your desire to strengthen your connection? Would you like to have your relationship more kind, supportive, open, honest? How about if you and your daughter each have one these lovely bracelets…and you charge them together while you vow to make some changes that will enhance your relationship? I just love this idea! :>

And here’s the best part: The bracelets are made by a group of at-risk adolescent girls who are students at The Germaine Lawrence School in Arlington, MA. So your purchase helps the good go full circle: These special girls, who are struggling with self-esteem issues among other serious psychological and emotional challenges earn money and the joy of contributing to YOUR improved self-esteem as you successfully turn over a new leaf.

Like it? You can find Cindy’s website at www.NewLeafTouchstone.com

[By the way, I’m highlighting products and services I love - and I receive no bonus or financial benefit from any of the products I highlight in this holiday series.]

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It’s not difficult to find news stories circulating about suburban teens using drugs, alcohol and what have you. The latest such story from a wealthy suburb outside of Hartford, CT made me recall a recent conversation with a mom whose 28 year old son is struggling to make it on his own. We’ll call him Tom. He’s affable, kind, and bright, but he has yet to graduate from college after no less than five attempts. He’s not quite able to support himself, he seems emotionally and socially behind most of his peers, and he’s never had a mature loving relationship with a young woman. (No, he’s not gay.) These things worry his mom greatly, as she wants nothing more than for him to be the wonderful, mature man she believes he is capable of being. He is 27. It’s time.

What’s this got to do with the title of this piece? It happens he comes from a community much like the town mentioned in this article, which may be why it jumped out at me. Tom’s mom attributes his developmental delays and emotional problems to the alcohol and drugs he consumed during his high school years. She knew he was drinking (and more) at the time, and felt she was handling it correctly by allowing him and his friends to indulge in her basement - so they weren’t out driving. Looking back on it now, she wishes she had managed things very differently. Tom and his various therapists all feel that his delayed developmental state is due to his alcohol and drug use in high school.

Parents who worry about teens and risky behavior usually focus on the car accidents, the overdoses, and obvious life-threatening consequences of the abuse of drugs and alcohol. But sometimes the consequences are much more subtle and insidious. When teens use alcohol and drugs they are doing so at a critical time of development…and this can interfere with and even delay their normal development in very significant ways.

Koren Zailckas in her 2005 shocker Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood spoke about this eloquently:

“Nine years after I took my first drink, it occurs to me that I haven’t grown up. I am missing so much of the equipment that adults should have, like the ability to sustain eye contact without flinching or letting my gaze roll slantwise to the floor. …I should be able to stop self-censoring and smile when I feel like it. I should recognize happiness when I feel it expand in my gut…. Clinicians report some [of these] women, who seek treatment for alcoholism in their mid-to-late twenties, not only look younger but act younger too…it seems some women’s emotional development arrests as a result of alcohol. They stall at the age they were when they had their first drinks.” (Smashed, preface, xvii - xviii)

Adolescence is a time of critical development; essential developmental learning must take place on numerous fronts. Teens learn who they want to be, they learn what they value in themselves and others, they develop confidence and social skills…. but if they are experiencing most of their social outings through the cloudy haze of alcohol or drugs, they may fail to grow - and even fully feel -these essential experiences.

It’s another take on why just taking the keys away from the kids isn’t such a great strategy.

Food for thought.

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I know – it’s December, the holidays. So why do I want to bring up such a grim topic in my usually upbeat 2 minute tips? Because I’ve always heard that depression rates go up during the holiday season, and whether this is actually true or not, parents need to know what depression may look like in your teens. With these short days, long dark cold nights, and bleak news casts, we all may have to work a little harder to keep positive, and it’s important to look past your own issues and tune in to your teens’ mental state.

Depression can be biological, and it can have a hereditary component. Additionally, environmental stressors impact depression…so any or all of these may influence your teenager. The folks at the Mayo Clinic say the three primary trigger points of holiday stress and depression are relationships, finances and physical demands.

Often parents of teenagers are not aware that depression in teens doesn’t always look like the way we usually picture depression. In teenagers, it can present as anger, irritability, decrease in concentration or an increase in guilt, worthlessness or hopelessness. What you need to watch for is an increase in the duration, intensity or frequency of symptoms or behaviors like these that are not typical for your teenager. If you are concerned, the non-profit Families for Depression Awareness has some outstanding resources.

The holidays will give you an opportunity to spend more time together as a family, and more time one on one with your teenager. Make sure you find time to bake cookies together, do some shopping or go to a movie… reconnecting with your teenager during her break from school will give you a good chance to assess her mental state. Talk about how she is feeling about her relationships with her friends. Is he worried about family finances and what’s happening to his college fund? It’s best to surface the issues that are on your teenager’s mind so you can address concerns together in the light of day. If you are concerned about your teen, I’ve got more links to resources for you at www.parentingteensinfo.com, so learn more and don’t wait to get professional help.

The Elusive Face of Teen Depression

Depression and Bipolar Wellness Guide from Families for Depression Awareness

Courtesy of Families for Depression Awareness

Stress, Depression and the Holidays; 12 Tips for Coping from the Mayo Clinic

This post is republished from our sister website www.ParentingTeensInfo.com where you can subscribe to receive our free Two Minute Tip for Parenting Teens each Friday.

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