It took less than 2 seconds to obliterate six months of work, and courage, and effort.

Last January Drew moved from the west coast to the east coast; his parents felt that it would be easier for him if they made the move in the middle of the school year rather than begin a summer in a new town knowing nobody. So from January to June Drew had put up a brave front, trying to make friends, trying to be accepted in his new school, trying to break into the seventh grade cliques. And in 2 seconds everything changed when one of his classmates said three simple words to Drew on the last day of school…

“I hate you.”

What would possess a kid to do something so heartless and cruel? It was days later when Drew told me his story, and the pain in his eyes was still intense and sharp, as it was in his mother’s eyes.

Of course it happened because Drew is cool. He is kind; he is funny; he is handsome…so the other boy is probably jealous, and threatened.

But telling that to Drew doesn’t take away his pain.

Do Drew a favor. If there is a new child in your community or in your child’s school, reach out to that new child this summer and make him/her feel welcome. Teach your middle schoolers about feelings, and consideration.

There is no way to justify that kind of cruelty.

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Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

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Your teenager may be a little too young to look for a summer job, or maybe the current economic environment is making the summer job prospects bleak. There are many productive ways your teenager can spend time this summer, expanding friendships, connections, and gaining valuable experiences. Here are some ideas:

*take a class to learn a new skill - drawing, sculpting, music, a new craft or new computer application,

*check out enrichment classes offered in summer school, community ed or even local colleges,

*look into available summer classes and programs offered at area museums or cultural centers,

*volunteer to work with kids, elders, or to usher events at cultural centers,

*visit the SPCA to learn about their volunteer opportunities,

*introduce himself to the senior centers in town. They may love an extra pair of hands -
especially youthful ones,

*look into the offerings from your community park and rec programs. Depending on the age of your teen, there may be opportunities both to participate and to be leaders or counselors,

*find out about the Bible studies or other religious study groups offered by your church or temple,

*sign up for camp. Sports camps, drama camps, arts camps… many kinds are available to help kids learn new skills and enhance talents,

*babysit in your neighborhood,

* volunteer at the library,

*use all those dance lessons by starting a neighborhood dance camp for little ones,

*take drivers ed during the summer so you don’t have to fit it in during the school year,

*tutor reading or math for younger children,

* take lifeguard training,

*commit to spending a day a week with a grandparent, helping with household chores,

* develop a childcare/babysitting or art program at a local pool club.

This list just a start. I hope it gets your creative juices going so you can plan ahead and find the right balance of productive busy-ness and relaxing down-time for both you and your teenager.

Have any other good ideas? Post them here and we’ll expand our list for other parents and teens.

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Vanessa Van Petten, 22, an interesting and accomplished young woman from LA, is a builder-of-bridges between parents and teens and the author of “You’re Grounded.” She’s a prolific writer, blogger and brings her positive messages to enhance communication between parents and teenagers. I found her blog online and was fascinated to speak to this young colleague who so values the importance of parent-teen relationships. I was equally interested, as I spoke with her at length, to see that her message and mine is so similar. Huh; we must be on to something. :>

Vanessa says there are some words parents should never say: “You’re such a disappointment” can do serious damage to a parent-teen relationship. Teenagers, she aptly points out, think in black and white terms and often feel that everything is permanent. You hear this in their words: “That was the hardest test EVER!”, “She’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever seen!,” “My new haircut is the WORST,” “I’ll NEVER speak to him again!”….rarely do shades of gray exist, and what happens today gets projected out into a long future. Due to the developmental stage of the teen’s brain, it usually isn’t part of their awareness that they may feel differently tomorrow. So when parents tell their teenagers that they are “a big disappointment,” it really hurts. It feels like a permanent, final judgment. Parents won’t necessarily see it this way because our point of view is different and the way we process information is different. The teenager doesn’t know that he won’t be a disappointment to you forever, according to Vanessa, so making such a final statement can hurt them deeply.

Her interesting perspective can be helpful to parents and teens alike, and she likes to work with both groups to help bring them closer.

For parents: “Hang in there. Don’t give up,” she says. She wants parents of teens to know that their kids will “come back.” She, too, went through a tumultuous time with her parents, and she remembers the pain of it. When she sees other families in the midst of a painful or dysfunctional period she knows that parents wonder if they will ever get through it… the negativity, the challenges, the bad behavior… she’s not only seen it all, she’s experienced it. Now, a young adult, she offers hope to parents and reinforces their efforts to listen and connect.

Other important suggestions for parents, according to Vanessa, are to facilitate and support your teen’s relationships with other adults. “A good mentor can make a big difference to a teenager and provide adult guidance when a parent isn’t able to get through.” She attributes some of her success to the positive mentors she had in a dance instructor and an older cousin.

And she tells parents, “Stay connected with other parents! Not only does it help keep you sane, but it helps you know what is really going on.”

For teenagers: “Strive for balance.” If they are overly-stressed because of too many commitments or in response to high expectations, she advises them to find time to take care of themselves even if it means giving a little less effort to responsibilities. If school has them stressed, she encourages teens to make sure they take time with friends to relax. If they are big partiers, she advises them to party a little less, and be a little more responsible. She witnesses the big swings that seem to highlights teens’ lives, and she promotes balance as the way out.

Vanessa’s blog is full of tips and provides an interesting and helpful point of view…check it out.

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